Forget Me Not
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: Set late S4 when Sam's injured. When he wakes up, he has no memory of Andy and their history; all he remembers is McNally his trouble attracting Rookie. Join the ride as Sam goes through life again with Andy. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Set late S4- although I haven't seen it. Based after the promos featuring Sam injured & Andy with him. Only thing is: when Sam wakes up he can't remember her or their history other than the fact that she's Andy McNally, his trouble attracting partner. Take the journey with Sam as he rediscovers his life, himself and his relationship with Andy. AU. **

**As always, thank you for the awesome reviews for my other fics! Thanks to the regulars for sticking around & kelly2727 for her awesomeness!**

**Special thanks to Lindap & JH126 who have reviewed practically every single chapter I have ever written! & no I haven't forgotten the rest of you, you're all beyond awesome! **

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Thanks once again for the nominations for the Rookie Choice awards, it really was unexpected! As for winning the best overall author category thank you all! **

**Chapter 1**

Life was complicated, and it was hard; often leaving her to wonder if it was worth it, worth anything at all.

But the simple things like Leo's smile made her believe that maybe there was something more out there other than heartache and sadness. The smell of rain on hot summer days did too, so did the grateful old lady that they gave a stolen purse back too. It was the little things that made her believe.

Going back to being Andy McNally was tougher than she thought it would be, in fact it was tougher than being UC had been.

But it was getting better, getting easier as time moved on.

Nick was always a shoulder to lean on and so was Traci, two people that she would never trade for anything in the world. She would honestly be lost without them.

Life without them was unimaginable.

Sam had moved on, leaving her a little crushed; but she understood; so she let him have his own happiness like he had done when she had been dating Luke- only thing was; she _wasn't_ waiting in the wings for that to come crashing down.

Months of not knowing what she'd find when she came home led to a heartbreaking reality- nobody was irreplaceable.

She had easily been replaced and it looked like things in that department were way better than they had been when she was with Sam.

So she did what she did best, she locked them away in the no-go zone, and labeled her newly established relationship with Sam in the friends category. For now it seemed like they were able to coexist in that realm.

_Friends. _

_Coworkers._

Arg, so not how she had spent six months envisioning her life being when she resumed her own identity.

But it was what it was, and that was all there was to it.

When her path crossed Sam's she did her damnedest to stay objective, to remain neutral and it was working, they were able to harness the friendship they once had, although it wasn't quite the same.

It was the least he deserved, so she gave it to him willingly.

"So, what are we doing on Friday night? Dinner? Drinks at the Penny?". Traci, the ever enthusiast over a weekend off and Friday night just around the corner asked as they made to move out of the parade room when they were dismissed after Frank wrapped it up.

"Penny". Andy and Nick said in unison. They had grown close since departing for Dakota and there was nothing that could be used to separate their close bond, or break it.

"Okay". Traci said over her shoulder as she left them in the hallway and headed for her office.

Andy grabbed coffee for them while Nick grabbed their bags, a daily ritual that had silently slipped into practice since they were still partnered together often.

Meeting him at the cruiser Andy held out his coffee, his smile thanking her before he tossed their bags into the trunk.

Patrol was quiet, the streets taking a break as they were cut a little bit of slack from the hardened criminals that stirred things up often.

Sam looked up to find Oliver biting into his doughnut as he shook his head when Sam looked his way.

"That Brother, is just _so wrong_" Oliver said between bites as he passed Sam heading for his cruiser.

Sam had been caught staring at McNally's retreating form yet again by his friend and knew that soon enough it would come back to haunt him.

From the time that she had been back, up until now; he knew that he was doing it, but couldn't help himself. It was a necessity; just like breathing was.

He had screwed up and he knew that too, a failed attempt at moving on had proven that.

Yup, dating Marlo had only proven that he wasn't over McNally, that's why she let him know that they weren't going to happen even before it really got involved.

In some ways he was grateful, but in others he wondered if he was destined to stay alone and watch McNally from the sidelines for the rest of eternity.

He had spent many hours contemplating approaching her, after the whole Marlo thing didn't work out, but decided against it- the last thing he wanted was for Andy too think that she was a consolation prize, or second best, or the rebound girl...

Just after lunch, the radio sprang to life asking all units too report in their positions if they were close to Harris Street, downtown in Melrose Manor. It wasn't an urgent call, so Nick answered saying that they were seven blocks away.

The dispatcher requested them to head over to an address on Harris street as backup, and radioed back that an officer needed assistance in a search for a child.

Andy was driving, so she pulled away hitting the sirens anyway not sure if the missing child was lost, taken or in danger.

When she pulled up outside the given address she noted Oliver's squad car parked in the driveway of a suburban house, the front door wide open.

Andy and Nick approached the house with caution, guns drawn just in case; as they stopped outside the open front door and Nick took the lead by stepping inside first.

"McNally". Sam's voice made Andy jump, he was standing behind her when she rounded the door, his presence missed even though her senses were on high alert.

Andy tried not too glare at him, but it came naturally.

"Swarek" Nick said just as Oliver came into view behind Sam.

Andy looked between the two, Sam and Nick, they had this whole testosterone stare-down going on and it made her want to roll her eyes at their arrogance.

Sam and Nick had been doing it since she returned with Nick from Dakota, and seriously- it was starting to get on her nerves now. They had no reason to do that, and it was just totally a male thing.

"Clear" Oliver said as he slid his gun back into his holster, Andy and Nick doing the same as Oliver cleared the house of any threats that would need their guns to be drawn.

"We've got a kid missing in the house, around seven or eight. Male, and we need too find him now". Sam said keeping his eyes focused on Collins.

"Have you tried calling him?". Andy said before walking away and leaving the testosterone to stand in the hallway behind her.

"I've got McNally" Oliver said following her. He really didn't want to hang around with all the vibes between Sam and Collins.

"How do you loose a kid in a house?". Andy said looking behind the couch to find it empty.

"We followed a tip off and found a Meth lab in the basement. Kids been running around here the whole time, so we need to find him. House was supposed to be empty".

"Alone? Someone left a kid that age alone? In a house on top of a Meth lab?". Andy's tone spelled out her disgust as she searched behind the curtains to find a brick wall.

"They scurried away when we came through the door, someone probably forgot about him". Oliver's explanation just made it sound worse.

After searching the lounge Andy nodded towards the kitchen as Oliver carried on down the hallway intending on searching whatever rooms where in that direction.

"Some people just shouldn't have kids". Andy muttered to herself as she stepped into the kitchen.

Collins kept a firm gaze on Sam as he moved down the hallway towards the staircase that led upstairs.

It was a heated stare, one that Sam had become accustomed to getting from Collins since they came back from Dakota, but he tried to show that he wasn't phased by it. And he was only phased because he didn't know _why _Collins would look at him like that, and that was something he wasn't used too; not knowing.

Sam opened the first door too his left and entered the room leaving Collins to choose whichever room he wanted. There were several up here, the house was an old one and had plenty of large rooms that needed too be dissected to find this kid.

Andy shuffled around the kitchen and opened cupboards to find them mostly bare. Whoever lived here didn't even have food stocked in the cupboards or cleaning materials under the sink. Everything was just so... empty.

She lifted the table cloth and found only the floor under the table as she bent down to look under it.

Sam moved to the second room stopping just outside the door when he heard Andy's voice through Collins' radio.

"Officer in jeopardy. Need ETF... and... a bus".

Collins was flying out of the room he was in within seconds following Sam back down the stairs as Sam took off running.

He found Andy in the kitchen, Oliver in the doorway telling Andy to stay as still as she could.

As Sam tried to brush passed Oliver to move into the kitchen, Oliver's hand sprang out and blocked his path, Oliver's head shaking from side to side as he told Sam that it was a really bad idea for him to go into the kitchen.

"McNally?". Sam said pausing and looking at her across the room, taking heed of Oliver's warning.

"I'm on a pressure plate, I think. The microwave is counting down Sam".

Andy was standing in the middle of the kitchen, far away from anything to hold on to, her voice sounding so familiar as she answered Sam.

Sam squatted down on to his knees, looking under the table to get a better view of what she was standing on.

And she chose to stand on the only black tile on a white tiled floor.

He could see that the black tile had sunken down a fraction, her one foot planted squarely in the middle of it.

"Time?". Oliver called out, making Sam run his eyes across the other tiles to make sure that they were firmly grouted to the floor.

"Eighteen". Andy answered as Sam got to his feet to find Oliver on his radio as he moved out of the doorway.

"Kid" Oliver yelled pointing at the door behind Collins that hovered right behind Sam. "Go" he yelled out sending Collins running after the kid as he sprinted away.

Sam looked at Andy, her face much the same as it had been the day she held the grenade.

Stepping into the kitchen Sam kept his eyes focused on her as he took slow steps, her sudden "No" and vigorous shaking of her head telling him that she didn't want him to do this.

"Andy..." He really needed her to stand still right now.

"Sam NO". She really did not want to do this again.

She was just so stubborn! Sam exhaled a breath in frustration at that side of her coming out at a time when there really wasn't room for her stubbornness.

Sam stepped closer and stopped in front of the microwave to see the time at fifteen minutes before it started counting down below the double digits relentlessly.

Looking at Andy, Sam found a million things crossing her face as he dipped his head slightly too look her in the eye.

Oliver's voice carried out over her radio spilling into the room followed by a frenzy of activity that lit up the radio waves with units responding and all kinds of emergency services being called out.

Without hesitation Sam reached out very slowly, his hand drifting towards her radio.

"Just going too turn it off". His tone sounded foreign, even to his own ears.

She didn't even nod as she kept her eyes trailed on him.

"Sam you need to go".

"Nope".

Sam turned Andy's radio off, his hand hovering for a split second before it snapped back into his own space.

"Sam..."

"No Andy, it's just you and me now".

Andy was barely holding it together, memories of the last time they had been through this with Dov splurging across her face.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

Sam looked back at the microwave to find the time on twelve minutes, his heart rate picking up as the time slipped away.

There were no wires, and no way of knowing what she was standing on. What it was rigged up to, or if there was any way out of this.

Oliver's voice from the door drew Sam's attention and Andy's eyes as he asked for the time with his phone held too his ear.

Sam answered with a voice so wrapped up in agony that Oliver wished he could help them.

Oliver mumbled into his phone before pulling it away from his ear wearing a grim expression.

"We uh... Got the kid out".

"Good, now leave" Sam said knowing exactly what Oliver hadn't said.

ETF wasn't going to make it in the twelve minutes they had left.

"Sammy..."

"Oliver go". This time it was Andy that spoke up, her voice loud as the panic began to set in on her. She picked up what he wasn't saying too.

Oliver nodded and tried to find a smile, but he didn't have it in him. He glanced from Andy to Sam who nodded, answering the silent question passed between them- Sam was sure that this was where he wanted to be, and he was staying.

Glancing at the microwave Sam saw the single digit of eight minutes lighting up the screen, Andy's voice sounding somewhere faintly.

"Sam you need to go".

Sam's attention focused on her, his head shaking lightly as he clenched his jaw closed.

"Just you and me McNally".

Sam walked around the table, Andy's breathing changing to relieved when she thought he was leaving. Until he spoke from behind her. It made her tense up and stiffen.

"Do you trust me?". Sam asked really quietly.

When Andy answered, her voice filtered out stronger than the previous times she had recently spoken.

"Yeah, I do".

Sam's hands materialized next too her, their movements caught out the corner of her eye.

"Hold on". Sam said bringing his hands closer so that they were within her grasp.

She took them in her own, wrapping them up in a tight grasp.

"Now step off"

"What?". Andy practically yelled the word out, her hands tightening their grasp around his fingers.

"Just slide your foot forwards slowly".

"Sam are you kidding me? I'm standing on a..."

"I know okay, but you need to do this". Sam snapped, he was pretty much well aware of exactly what she was standing on, he didn't need to hear her say it. He'd seen ETF substitute weight to compensate for whatever they retrieved from on top or under an explosive, so he was going to do the same thing, with the only thing he had- his own weight.

"Sam..."

"Andy, we've got this". How he managed that to sound so confident he had no idea, even though he didn't really believe that they had anything right now except less chance of surviving than possible.

Overthinking things- could get you killed, not thinking things through- could get you killed, but the only thing that Sam was thinking right now was that Andy needed to get off the pressure plate, and out of the house.

Making snap decisions was how he had lived most of his life, but seeing her standing there like that; it wasn't even something that he needed to think about, it was the only option there was.

Andy dared not move, even though all she wanted to do right now was see Sam who was still standing behind her, holding her hands.

Pinching her eyes closed, she shut out the red digits on the microwave with the back of her eyelids as she barely registered the six minute mark she had just seen.

She tried to keep her breathing steady and stop her hands from shaking but her body was uncooperative.

Her heart was racing away in her rib cage, the thunder of it's rhythm causing a dull ache to lull through the organ.

At one point she was sure that she had stopped breathing, her lungs burning in a need for air.

"Sam...". She had so much to say, and just trying to fit it in to six minutes seemed impossible.

"Don't, just do this please? For me?".

Andy's leg muscles were starting to cramp, ceased in the same uncomfortable position for this long a dull ache started up her ankle, along her calf and began searing through her thigh. But hearing Sam ask her to do something for him, that just made her insides tighten into several knots.

"Why are you doing this? All you need to do is walk away Sam".

That was not meant to come out. Andy chastised herself for even thinking it. But she still wanted to know why he was here.

"And we both know how good I am at that right?". Sam said sounding closer than before, the pain in his voice making her wish that she could take the words back.

"Just slid your foot off as soon as you feel mine" Sam saw them reach the less than five minute mark, their time running out so fast that in the blink of an eye a minute had gone, and it was never coming back.

Sam didn't wait for an answer, he slid his foot over the tile and let it nudge gently against hers so that she would know it was there.

Andy responded when Sam's hands gripped her's a little tighter telling her that it was time, her foot edging forwards as her eyes closed and she mumbled a silent prayer.

When Andy's foot was clear of the black tile, she set her foot down on the solid white tiles, her fingers fighting to free themselves from Sam's as she slipped them from his tight grasp, like he didn't want to let them go.

Unbelievable.

He had taken her place with one foot on the tile, standing trapped as he watched her with a lopsided grin that seemed to mask sadness.

Oliver appeared in the doorway yelling out that ETF was seven minutes out, Sam shrugging in response when he saw Oliver's fearful and shocked expression at seeing him now standing in Andy's place.

"Ollie you need too clear the house...take Andy with you?".

"No".

Oliver stepped into the room every intention of dragging Andy out of the room when the microwave caught his eye.

Three minutes.

ETF was never going to make it.

"McNally" Oliver said in warning but his voice seemed to fall on ears that weren't listening.

"Shaw, I've lost the kid". Nick's voice suddenly filtered through Oliver's radio causing Oliver to let out words that shocked even himself.

"Go". Sam said, he was talking to Oliver, but looking at Andy.

Oliver moved to leave the room, he'd send Collins in to drag McNally out while he looked for the kid, he wasn't built for that kind of exercise anymore. And seeing her face, that was just maybe the only way that she would leave that room.

He nodded to Sam, who smiled back, a silent conversation passed between the two again. A muted goodbye even.

"Collins what's your twenty?" Oliver said into his radio as he stepped out of the room backwards.

When Oliver left Sam's attention snapped back to Andy, a fearful look on her face as she realized that these might be their last few minutes alive.

Sam looked down to find her hands trembling, her attempt to keep the emotions at bay failing.

"Andy, please go". Sam was pleading now, his need for her to leave taking over every ounce of feeling he had.

"I...can't". Her hand moved up to swipe away soft fallen tears as she looked at the floor before looking back at him "not even for you".

That probably sounded so random, but even though he was asking her to leave, she couldn't.

Sam looked at the seconds ticking by and then back at her with one thought left lingering in his mind.

It was the thought that he would determine when and how he died, when he would give up; and right now he wasn't ready to do that.

Andy had one hand on her hip, the other over her eyes, blocking everything out of view, including him. The harsh reality of life out of their control making her try and hide the ugly sight behind a hand made of creamy flesh.

Sam took a deep breath before making a decision that would effect their lives one way or the other. One split second that held their lives in the balance because she was too damned stubborn to walk away when it mattered, when she had too.

Letting out the long breath, swallowing everything he still wanted to say to her; Sam took one last look at Andy before lunging at her.

*******Thanks for reading, let me know what you think! Want more? **

*****AN from Kelly2727: she will be posting soon, real life is a little hectic, so she asked me to let you all know that it's in progress!**

**Have an awesome day! **

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. Shattered Silence

**Wow, you guys know how to make my day! Thank you for all the awesome reviews, follows and general interest. Thank you all for the congrats too, means a lot! You guys make me want to write! **

**Sorry I don't PM everyone but I do read all reviews, & alerts, & appreciate them all! **

**As always thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars! Welcome to the newbies! **

**Chapter 2- Shattered Silence. **

Oliver was making his way back inside to drag McNally out of the house kicking and screaming if he had to- because Collins took off down the street after the kid when he saw him bobbing between parked cruisers and onlookers lining the police tape that had been set up at the end of the block, two houses down when the kid made a run for it again.

Backup had arrived before he had come outside, and a large section of the street had been cordoned off, but ETF was still on route. The uniforms that filled the front lawn were all wearing the same expression- one of denial as they went to work worried about what was happening inside the house.

Oliver just made it through the front door when everything around him shattered and became airborne, including the object that hit him in the face.

The world was splintering apart in an earth moving moment as the ground underneath his feet gave way and he hit what was left of it with a heavy force after being pushed backwards by an unseen force that was conciderably stronger than he was.

The loud noise that came with it caused momentary deafness to take over his eardrums, as flying particles settled down around him and he rolled to the side, his hand wiping away the warm liquid seeping from his nose.

Everything hurt in that instant, his face, his limbs, his head from cracking it against the floor. But nothing compared to the feeling that squeezed his heart at knowing that Sammy and McN...Andy were in the room that had just exploded.

Hands began pawing at him, trying to help him find his feet as he tried to stand up on shaky legs that weren't willing to cooperate or obey his brains commands. The world was swaying from side to the side, his balance hanging between little and nothing as he finally stood up straight.

Turning to the side, Oliver saw a mass of bodies rush into the house, Collins' face the first one that claimed any recognition in his brain.

The hands were pulling him towards what looked like the left over front door, but Oliver fought against them as he tried to gain his balance, the world shrouded in a loud ringing.

Collins reached out for him, steadying him as he passed him a look filled with so much remorse that even in this moment he felt sorry for the kid; because he knew exactly how he felt right now.

Collins' mouth was moving, but no sounds were heard, so Oliver raised a hand to his ear and shook his head.

Andy felt the world slip away from under her feet when she felt her body met with brute force. Her lungs gasped for air as she relented and thought that in this moment her life was over.

Sam had his hands around the back of her head, tucking her face into his shoulder as his body weight crashed into her sending them both flying across the floor until her back met a sudden, painful stop.

The pain that seared through her was nothing compared to the panic that slammed through her when the room was ripped apart and shredded.

Taking a moment to steady herself, and reclaim her breath, Andy shook her head to clear away the fog that clouded in around her, her ponytail rolling around on the floor at an odd angle.

When the fog lulled and the world came into focus, Andy noticed that Sam had yet to move, so she called him not knowing if he could hear her as she pushed against him to gain a response. Everything sounded warped to her own ears so she wasn't sure if he was experiencing the same or not.

When no response came, Andy pushed a little more when she noticed the boots standing next to her head, the dark black suddenly finding its way into her vision.

"Help him" she screamed knowing that something wasn't right. Something was very wrong.

Hands lifted Sam off of her and rolled him over to the side, a stretcher already waiting for him.

Within seconds he was gone from view, hands poking and prodding her as she shrugged them off and tried to stand up on her own.

Andy was fighting against the hands until Nick came into view his face cast over in shadows of worry.

"Where's Sam?" Andy asked as she let his hands hold on to her upper arm's as he gave her a once over.

"We need to go, can you walk?" Nick said pulling Andy towards the doorway when she nodded. She could at least hear him although he sounded like he was lost in a tin can.

"Where's Sam?". Andy repeated as soon as they made it outside into the fresh air that was electrified with activity.

"He's loaded in...Andy". But she wasn't listening, she turned and took off towards the first ambulance she saw in search of Sam.

Her name being called was ignored as she sped past Gail and Dov making her way to the medics that were assessing Sam now that they were out of the house and at less risk because they weren't standing on top of a Meth lab after an explosion anymore.

It took seconds for Sam too be lifted up into the back of the ambulance, Andy stepping up as soon as there was room.

"Make sure she gets checked out, she was in there too" Nick said to the medic sitting across from Andy as his hand found the back of the ambulance door.

The medic nodded before focusing his attention back on Sam as Nick closed the door and the sirens screamed too life.

Nick found Oliver in the back of a second ambulance sitting up on the stretcher yelling at the medic who seemed resigned and exhausted.

He was still having trouble hearing anything and was not thrilled about having to take a ride in a bus when his attention wanted too be focused on Sam and McNally now that he knew they had been pulled out of the house.

Nick took out his note pad and scribbled a quick note before holding it up to Oliver who snatched it away hastily when he took a break from arguing with the medic.

Nick had scribbled _'They're alive'_ a relieved look sweeping over Oliver's face as he read the words.

"Let's go" he yelled at the medic who looked at Nick and shook her head. She'd obviously been trying to get Oliver to agree to a ride to the hospital but he was giving her a hard time, and a few words from Nick had him suddenly willing too speed off.

"Thanks" Oliver said a little softer as he handed Nick's note pad back to him before laying down on the stretcher like a good patient.

The ride to the hospital was taking too long, Andy becoming more agitated as it seemed to take forever.

Sam had been hooked up to an IV and heart monitor in a matter of seconds, the medic checking his vitals a few times as he assessed Sam's status. Judging by his face; Sam wasn't in good shape.

Sam had yet too regain consciousness, his pulse slow and weak as it barely registered on the monitor.

The medic lifted Sam's head slightly with his gloved hand and checked a small white towel that had been put under it. He held Sam's head up and shoved another towel in under it with the other, it too soaking up the rush of blood that seeped out.

When the motion of the ambulance stopped, the back doors swung open revealing a mass of prepared nurses at the ready.

Andy jumped out of the ambulance and nearly lost her footing as a strong hand reached out to hold her up. When she turned around she found Sam being lowered out of the ambulance, a rush of activity as he was wheeled away amidst mutters of medical jargon that she didn't understand.

Andy followed automatically, her feet keeping up the same pace as the nurses that wheeled Sam in through the hospital doors at a stratigic run.

"Officer you can't go in there" a nurse suddenly said blocking Andy's path in through doors at the end of the hallway.

"But..."

"I'm sorry" the nurse said before following everyone in behind closed doors leaving Andy standing in the hallway alone.

"Andy?".

After a while her name drew through to her.

She looked up to find Traci running towards her followed closely by Gail, Dov and Frank.

Traci stopped a few feet away and slowed down to a walk as she approached, Andy finally finding an excuse to snap under the raw emotions now that she wasn't alone anymore.

Traci's arm's wrapped around her instinctively as she got close enough, Andy's reaching around her in turn as she sought comfort.

Traci's arm's tightened as she held on, Andy's sobs finally breaking free as reality set in hard.

When Andy was able too compose herself enough to let Traci go, she acknowledged the other presences filling the hallway around them, looks of utter disbelief and sympathy crossing their faces.

The worst was Gail.

Since Andy and Nick had come back from Dakota Gail had been distant, her relationship with both Nick and Andy strained. Things were even worse now that Gail's relationship with Nick went sideways.

Andy got it, she really understood, but seeing Gail now made her see that she really wasn't as hard core as she fronted she was. She was just human too.

After Traci pushed Andy away to arm's length, and looking at her sympathetically, Andy shook her head in silent answer to her friends question before looking at the floor and starting to cry heartbroken crocodile tears again.

Traci pulled her closer again, understanding Andy's answer, when a hand came out of nowhere to run up and down Andy's back in a soothing motion.

Andy lifted her face up off of Traci's shoulder to find Gail standing a little closer offering her silent support with tears in her cold eyes.

Soon they were a mess of tangled arm's as Gail squeezed in to hug both Andy and Traci wishing that she could take this away from them.

After a while more masses of blue filled the hallway, Nick finding his way to Andy who sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair between Gail and Traci.

Kneeling down to eye level, Nick cast Andy a glance asking if they had any news on Sam yet, a small shake of her head telling him that they were still waiting.

Dov materialized with rounds of coffee, Andy's hand shaking too much to take her's.

Traci took it for her, keeping it until Andy was ready to try again. Whenever that might be.

Nick stayed bent down in front of Andy, his eyes sweeping between the three woman that sat side by side waiting.

Andy had yet too take her coffee from Traci, her hands fumbling blindly with invisible items in her lap.

"Hey". Nick said clamping a hand over her's in a bid to halt her frenzied motions before she ripped the skin from her own fingers.

Andy looked up at Nick before lunging at him "I can't do this" whispered in his ear as she wrapped him up in a tight hug.

Nick wrapped her up in a hug of his own not missing the raised eyebrows Gail shot his way, or the small O that formed on Traci's lips. But right now Andy needed someone to lean on and that was all that mattered. What didn't matter was if it was him, or someone else.

"How's Oliver?". Andy whispered after a while remembering that she had seen him in the back of an ambulance too.

"He's okay, broken nose and his hearing and balance are off so they're checking him for a burst eardrum, but he'll be okay".

Andy nodded as she pulled away enough to look back at the door that blocked Sam from view.

Finally calm enough to take in her surroundings, Andy noticed the worried faces that lined the hallway. All the people closest to Sam were here, and the people closest to her too.

Nick backed away and stood up, Andy's hand reaching out for her coffee when Traci nudged her again to remind her that it was getting cold.

Noelle moved in closer, taking up the space that Nick had just vacated, her hand stretched out for Andy.

Andy took hold of her hand and allowed Noelle's warmth to run up her skin in a comforting squeeze.

The sound of the door next to them opening made Andy's hand drop Noelle's as all attention focused on the person stepping through the doorway looking worn down.

The new arrivals eyes swept over the hallway taking in the sight of so many people waiting for news on a friend or coworker. It never ceased to amaze him.

The doctor, a middle aged, balding man, let his eyes leave the crowd as they drew closer to let them settle on the chart in his hand as he lifted it to seek out the information he needed.

"Sarah Swarek?". Frank moved closer to the doctor and held his hand out before introducing himself as he shook his head indicating that Sarah Swarek was not present.

"Okay, is there a Oliver Shaw, Andrea McNally, or a Traci Nash here?".

The soft gasps that followed were loudly audible in the sudden deafening quiet that overtook the hallway. Everyone knew that the doctor was reading Sam's emergency contact list and they were surprised by the names that were on the chart.

Frank nodded and pointed to Andy and Traci who still sat side by side, Andy unable too stand up at realizing the seriousness of the situation if the doctor only wanted to speak with the emergency contacts. Confusion at her name still being on the list ran through her too, as well as shock at hearing Traci's name called out.

"Officer Shaw was injured too, and Miss Swarek is on her way". Frank added before the doctor turned towards Andy and Traci.

"Would you follow me please?".

Andy paled at the doctors request but found her feet, Traci clasping her hand around Andy's and holding on as they followed the doctor.

"You too Sergeant Best". The doctor said before walking off leaving a shocked audience behind him.

After turning down halls and passing many doors the doctor stopped outside an open door before ushering the women and Frank in. He pointed towards the chairs as soon as they made it in to an office, Frank pulling out a chair for Andy who seemed immensely dazed.

The doctor took a seat behind the cluttered desk before opening the chart and crossing his hands as he looked between the three people in front of him.

No amount of practice ever made this easy.

Traci could feel Andy's hand shaking in her's as she leaned a little closer. Whatever the doctor had to say was going to be hard for all of them to hear; especially Andy.

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	3. Broken Bones & Breaking Hearts

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**Chapter 3- Broken Bones and. **

**Breaking Hearts**

"Detective Swarek sustained severe trauma to the head in the explosion, resulting in the back of his skull sustaining a fracture. He has swelling on the brain, and a brain bleed, as well as contusion's to his back and the back of his legs.

He is in an induced coma for now, because there is no other alternative other than to keep him sedated and to wait it out, see if his body will start healing itself and then we may consider weaning him off the anesthetic and waking him up. When we do... At this point we don't know if he'll wake up, or how extensive his injuries are, or the repercussions of the head trauma".

The doctor paused, giving his words time to sink in as three sets of ears hung on to his every word.

"What does that mean?" Andy suddenly blurted out, her mind wasn't accepting the doctors information into it in order to process it. She needed clarity, she needed an explination in lamens terms.

"Officer, simply put, Detective Swarek may never wake up, and if he does there is no way to tell what shape he'll be in with the bruising his brain sustained on impact. The brain is a complicated organ, and with the brain bleed... I need someone to sign a consent form".

"Consent form?". This time it was Traci that spoke up, her voice holding more questions than the one she had just said out aloud.

"The brain bleed and fractured skull mean surgery, but at this point I can't guarantee that Detective Swarek will even survive the surgery, I'm sorry".

The doctor pushed the open chart in front of him across the table, his pen following as he set it down on top of the page and stood up.

"Sam's sister... It's her... She..."

Andy couldn't form a coherent sentence as the doctors words started making sense to her. But Frank understood, so he spoke, his hand finding a resting place on Andy's shoulder as he stepped up behind her.

"Sarah Swarek is on her way, can we wait a few hours?" Frank's tone sounded so solemn that Andy had to look down at her hand in her own lap and away from the doctor before he had even answered.

Andy felt Frank's hand clamp down on her shoulder a little more, in a light sqeeze, while the doctor replied by not answering the question verbally, but rather nodding his head.

"We can wait within reason".

The doctors tone chilled Andy to the bone, a cold shudder running through her as she physically shook.

"If you need anything have the nurses page me" the doctor added as Traci thanked him when she too stood up.

Traci held out her hand for Andy who had reclaiming her own. Andy didn't even see it as she stood up and left the room in a trance.

The three of them moved back down the hallways to the waiting room, silence filling the void between them.

...

Oliver felt like a train had run over him, but the worst was the constant zing in his ear. The high pitched ring made him want to extract his hair one at a time in annoyance, not that he had that many left.

He'd been for tests and been poked and prodded and was quite done with all of it. He desperately wanted to get up and go in search of Sam, but the minute he tried to find his feet his inner ear balance turned to mush in a tumble dryer and he was stumbling on his own two feet like a sober drunk.

The doctor had ordered him to stay laying down or sitting while they waited for the test results, but it left him restless and agitated not to mention more than a little frustrated too.

His hearing was back, but ever so slightly. Everything and everyone still sounded so distant and distorted.

His face still stung, mostly his nose and he was sure that he felt the bruising spread up to his eyes. He hadn't seen himself in the mirror yet, and wasn't really all that keen to either.

It felt like he had been waiting for news on Sam for hours and hours since Collins' last update twenty minutes ago. It kept him on edge, his mind wrestling to keep all negative thoughts at bay.

Staring at the ceiling Oliver ran every possible scenario of how things could turn out over and over in his mind as he mentally tried to prepare himself for the worst.

His mind flashed to his wife- estranged wife and kids.

They'd been going through some tough times and Zoe held a lot of resentment towards him because he always put being a cop first- until Jerry died. That changed his perspectives drastically. But by then; it was already too late.

Zoe let him have time with the girls, but it wasn't enough, her absence in his life leaving a gaping hole where his heart once was.

Over recent weeks he'd found himself having family dinners with Zoe and the girls, but it wasn't the same. Having to leave was the hardest part after a few hours made him feel like they were a family again.

He'd been asking Sam what he was doing too, seeing the looks his friend still passed in McNally's direction. He knew that Sam was trying to fool himself into moving on with Cruz, but the minute McNally came home things changed. She lit the fire right back up the second that Sam saw her. But Sam kept denying it, kept trying to hide it. But, he was only fooling himself.

Oliver knew that Sam and Cruz had called it quits a while back, but he just didn't get why Sam was letting McNally slip through his fingers again, when she was right there.

Today had changed things, changed their lives. Sam was willing to do what he did best and stand between McNally and harm even if it meant that it could cost him his own life- which seemed like a strong possibility right now.

And now McNally just might be left to face Sam's decision to protect her; without Sam.

Movement in the room caused Oliver to drag his eyes off the ceiling to find Zoe standing in the doorway with her hand covering her mouth, her face pale and gaunt as she peered at him.

Oliver sat up, his eyes scanning for his girls but finding Zoe alone.

She looked scared.

Oliver tried to hold back on his own emotions as he looked at her before looking away.

More movement drew his focus as he saw her rush at him from across the room, her arm's immediately wrapping around him in her need to feel him still alive.

He wrapped her up in a hug of his own, his heart breaking at having her go through this.

Zoe had her face tucked into his shoulder, a wet droplet on his skin telling him that she was crying.

Pulling away, Oliver looked at Zoe and whispered a broken "Sammy..." before letting it end there.

Zoe said something that sounded remotely like "I know" before tucking her face back into his shoulder.

They stayed like that, lost in the familiar feel of each other until Oliver pulled away again and asked "The girls?".

Zoe spoke, but he couldn't hear her properly, so he pointed to his ear and shrugged.

"They're at school, I couldn't bring them until I knew...".

Oh right, that made sense. She didn't want to scare them if he was okay.

"Ollie...". Whatever she had wanted to say died on her lips as she leaned in and brushed them across his cheek, her arms tightening around him again.

She suddenly moved away, looking towards the door Oliver following her gaze to find Collins in the doorway looking like he felt bad for intruding.

Nick came in and stood closer to Oliver, words filtering out of his mouth loudly.

Oliver caught a word here or there, before Collins reached into his pocket, pulled out his note pad and began scribbling. He handed it to Oliver, smiled apologetically at Zoe and left.

_Swarek has a brain bleed and fractured skull. Needs surgery. Waiting for his sister to sign consent forms. Andy's safe, but not okay. _

Oliver looked at Zoe and said "I need a wheelchair" as he tried to find his feet again, Zoe's hand reaching out to steady him.

...

When Andy came back with Traci and Frank, she looked paler than before.

She walked straight past Nick, Gail and even Noelle as she headed straight for the nearest bathroom in silence. She didn't even look their way, or acknowledge their presence.

Gail and Nick stood up simultaneously, both of them intending on going to check on her when Traci sat down. She looked completely haggard and too emotional to go after Andy.

Gail almost took a step forward when she stopped and looked at Nick before nodding in the direction of the bathroom telling him to go after Andy.

He kissed Gail on the forehead then made a hasty retreat before he regretted the motion considering that they weren't even really talking.

Nick pushed the women's bathroom door open and called Andy but didn't get a reply so he walked in. He found her sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall- the water still streaming out of the faucet that she hadn't bothered to close before sitting down.

"Hey" Nick said crouching down in front of her. "You okay?".

Andy didn't answer, just looked up at him with red rimmed eyes and wet cheeks as her hand came up to sweep them away.

It took her a while, but eventually she was able to talk coherently enough to brief him on what the doctor had said.

And Nick in turn had nothing to say; he couldn't promise her that Sam would be okay when he didn't know it for certain. He couldn't promise her that things would be fine, or that things would ever be the same.

So, he did what he could do and sat down next to her on the floor, her head cradled against his shoulder while she cried.

Traci eventually came looking for them, Andy's eyes dry enough to make an appearance outside of the bathroom.

Nick disappeared for a while, everyone else fussing over her as she tried to keep up her brave front. But that's all it was- a front.

Nick came back with food, Andy nodding gratefully but not eating. Her stomach would not hold anything down that she dared swallow now.

Oliver came around the corner, a nurse pushing his wheelchair as Zoe walked next to them. He looked so sad as he focused his attention solely on Andy when she noted him approaching them.

Andy took one look at Oliver, stood up and walked away, her feet carrying her down the hallway at a brisk pace, despite her name being called.

Seeing Oliver looking at her like that drained the last morsel of strength she had left out of her.

He looked at her like he pitied her, like his heart was breaking for her when he should have been angry, or hate her. But none of those things showed.

And no matter how you looked at it, Sam was fighting for his life because she had screwed up, because she had let him protect her.

It was her fault.

"Andy". A hand on her arm stopped her, Traci's concerned face coming into view as Andy stopped.

"It's not your fault".

Traci just knew her too well.

"Yes, it is Trace. He's here when it should have been me". Andy's voice had risen slightly, the stares of curious onlookers passed their way.

"No, don't you dare do this now. It is NOT your fault okay. Sam would have done that for anyone he cared about".

That was the thing, he hadn't done it for just anyone, that someone happened to be her.

"Trace..."

"No, you don't get to crumble now. Sam needs you, and you need to do this".

Traci had sensed her need to run, her need to escape. But she had no intention of leaving, she just needed a breather.

A woman walking past them stared openly, her eyes shifting in to slits as she passed them. Her heels knocked against the floor in a high pitched click clack as she kept a steady pace until the sound of her footsteps suddenly stopped.

"She's here" Traci said looking back towards Oliver who sat staring after them even though he knew that it wouldn't do anything to stop Andy's retreat.

Andy looked to the side to find the woman standing in front of Oliver looking at her before the woman looked away and bent down to give Oliver a really brief hug, one that contained minimum contact and lasted less than a second.

Andy tried not to keep watching, but she couldn't help herself. Sarah looked nothing like Sam, and nothing like she had imagined.

She had never met Sarah, and Sam had no photos of her, so Andy had no idea what to expect.

When she had asked Sam why he had no photos of his sister, he had told her that it was to protect her because he had done so many UC's. He said that if he ever got made, her identity would be safe because there was no trace of her in his house, no way for anyone to find her or find out what she looked like if they ever searched his house.

Them baring the same surname could just be labeled as a coincidence then.

It had made sense and she loved him all the more for it- his own sacrifices to protect his sister even though there was no guarantee that it would ever come to that.

Andy saw Oliver and Sarah exchange a few words before Sarah stood upright and looked in her direction, her face filled with horror.

It wasn't hard to see that Oliver had told Sarah what had happened and how she was the reason that Sam was hurt and in here.

Andy had told Nick what Sam had done in the bathroom; when it became too much to keep to herself, so she assumed that he had told Oliver when he went to get food, because he thought that it was something that Oliver should know for whatever reason.

Sarah and Oliver exchanged a few words again before they both looked back in Andy's direction and then moved off trailing behind the doctor who made a sudden appearance.

"She'll sign it" Andy mumbled. Given the choice herself, even if it meant that Sam might not make it through the surgery- if it was his only chance, she would sign too. That meant that she couldn't hold it against his Sister if she did.

"Then we wait" Traci said, her hand reaching for Andy's as she tried to dig deep and find a reassuring smile.

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	4. Stay To Feel

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**Here's more...**

**Chapter 4- Stay To Feel. **

Andy resumed her recently vacated seat as an even longer wait began after Traci managed to get her to want to stay and forget about her five minute, fresh air breather.

Oliver and Sarah had yet to return, Andy feeling bad for the way she had treated Oliver when he was probably feeling more scared and more heartache than she was right now considering that he had recently lost Jerry and now faced losing Sam.

After endless time had passed Sarah Swarek made her return alone, her features devastated as she made her way back to the waiting group, but held a safe distance between everyone and herself.

Andy heard her heels clack against the floor, but didn't look up. She didn't need to, to know that she was back.

When Andy couldn't resist anymore she finally looked up to see Frank and Noelle standing in a far corner with Sarah talking. Every few seconds Sarah would look her way making Andy wish that the ground would open up and swallow her.

Traci excused herself to use the bathroom leaving Andy alone because Gail and Dov had to return to shift when Frank sent them back to the house to make sure that all evidence was collected and cataloged. They had a few hours to go before their shift was over but they had promised to return when they were off the clock.

Andy closed her eyes and let her head find a resting place on the wall behind her as she attempted to just relax and let go of everything for ten seconds; or longer.

She heard Sarah's heels click again but refrained from looking to see where she was going. The footsteps stopped abruptly causing Andy to open her eyes to find Sarah standing a little to her left before she sat down.

Andy moved to get up, she really couldn't do this right now.

"Don't go" Sarah said, her hand finding it's way to Andy's arm to stop her before it snapped away again. The woman had killer instincts if she knew that Andy was planning on running- and she didn't even know her.

Andy's voice failed as she turned to Sarah with every intention of saying something; she just didn't know what.

"I know what he did, and I don't blame you; that's just how Sammy is".

Sarah kept looking ahead of her. For some reason she couldn't seem to bring herself to look at Andy.

"I...". Andy still didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone under these circumstances?_ I'm sorry? _That just wouldn't cut it, or express just how bad she felt right now.

"I um, I signed the consent forms they're taking him into surgery now". Sarah said finally turning to face Andy while her eyes searched Andy for whatever it was that she was looking for.

"He um, he told me about you- well a bit anyway. Told me it ended badly too?".

Wow, Sarah definitely had no filter.

Andy nodded and looked down, she really had nothing to say to that. Sarah obviously did not know about Marlo.

Marlo.

The name made Andy cringe as she thought about it. She hadn't seen Marlo here either; now that she let the woman crawl into her thoughts.

Andy looked up, scanned the room and still found no sign of Marlo here, which frankly was surprising and shocking.

"He's dating Marlo" Andy suddenly blurted out for no reason other than the fact that she wanted Sarah to know that. To know that she should be talking to Sam's girlfriend- not his ex-girlfriend.

"He's dating Marlo? Who's Marlo?". Sarah mumbled clearly confused.

But Andy didn't answer, it wasn't her place to talk about Sam's relationship.

"But she's not here, you're here" Sarah added after a few seconds.

"Because I..." Andy didn't even know how to finish that sentence. There were too many options, so she left it without using any of them.

"You want to be?".

Andy nodded and looked away.

"If you stay..." Sarah stopped and angled herself in her chair to face Andy, her expression changing to one that was considerably harder than before.

"If you stay, then you stay no matter what happens. No matter how things turn out, or what comes Sam's way. If you stay there's no turning back. If you can't make that promise then you shouldn't stay. If you're not prepared to go down that road, then you shouldn't be here".

Andy stared at Sarah when she stopped talking, her brain failing to respond to what she had just heard.

"Look Andy, all I'm saying is that I know Sam and from what I've just heard; he wanted to keep you safe. This isn't a game, this is life and right now I'm making a decision to protect my brother because this isn't going to be easy. If you can't stay around no matter what happens then you shouldn't be here".

Andy understood what Sarah was saying, and found a whole lot of respect for her because she was doing just that- protecting Sam above all else. He would be doing the exact same thing right now, if he were in his sisters shoes.

Andy doubted that Sarah knew the details of her breakup with Sam, but it didn't really matter. It didn't make any difference now, who left who, or who said and did what. It was inconsequential to this moment in their lives.

"I know that this is already hard, and I'm sorry for making it harder, but I need to know that you're staying because you want too, or because you feel something for Sammy, not because you feel like you owe it too him, or because you feel guilty about what happened. I don't know what happened between you, but you being here, looking that broken says a lot Andy. And I don't even know about a Mary or whatever her name is, you're the only one that Sam has ever talked about. If you stay as his friend that's fine too, but staying now and walking away later isn't something I'm going to let happen. It's all or nothing".

Sarah kept quiet for a few seconds, letting her words make sense to Andy before she said her final words.

"Think about it".

Sarah got up as quickly as she had sat down and walked away, her footsteps carrying her back over to Noelle and Frank.

"She okay?". Noelle asked Sarah when she came to stand beside them.

"No" Sarah said looking at her one last time before pulling her eyes away and refusing to look back at Andy.

"Is she really worth it?". Sarah said looking Noelle in the eye. They had know each other since Sam joined the academy, so Sarah knew that she'd get an honest answer.

Since she had arrived here, everyone had told her about what Sam had done, and pointed out who Andy was. She knew some of Sam's history with Andy, but not enough to really know anything about her.

Noelle had told her to go easy on Andy, and Oliver had told her the most important thing that she had heard today- _'That's Sammy's McNally'. _

Just hearing Oliver say that made her understand that this woman was accepted into their ranks as Sam's partner, and Sam's more; something that was regarded as an honor. They didn't just let you in, you had to earn your place. And Andy seemed to have earned the right to have her place between them as a friend as well as whatever she was to Sam now.

Sam had told Sarah that things had ended badly with Andy, and that was all- no clue as to what had happened or how it had happened. He simply refused to talk about it. She had asked when he was bringing her home, and that was the answer she had been given.

Sarah surmised that one of two things had happened; either this Andy had cheated on Sam, or Sam had walked away for his own reasons. But she didn't know for sure, she didn't know Andy. It was the only reasons that she had as to why Sam wouldn't tell her what happened. Their entire lives he had told her virtually everything; except the reason behind what he termed _'badly'._

Sarah left her question to hang in the air, her eyes squinting as she waited for Noelle's answer.

"She is, Sammy thinks so, and so do we". Noelle said as Frank wrapped an arm around her.

For the first time since Sarah had arrived, Andy looked up to find her smiling right at her. It was a sad smile, one marred with emotion. But a smile, was still a smile.

"I need to go to Sammy's while he's in surgery can you stay?".

Noelle nodded, but didn't ask why Sarah had to run off. It was understandable that there were things she needed to take care of right now.

Andy watched as Sarah made her way towards the main entrance before she saw her leave, which considering the circumstances really seemed out of place to her right now.

...

Sarah found Sam's house just like she remembered it.

Everything was in exactly the same place, the same curtains the same well just everything. As usual it was neat and tidy too.

She dropped her bag on to the couch and went to the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and took a long sip, allowing the fluid to quench her thirst. The drive down here in the heat had left her parched.

She grabbed her bag and hit the shower next, taking a quick scrub before ditching her heels for sneakers and jeans.

When that was done, Sarah made her way into Sam's bedroom and headed straight for the closet.

Tucked away on the top shelf she found what she was looking for and lifted it down, it's weight feeling heavier than she remembered.

Setting Sam's lockbox down on his bed, she sat down next to it, her hand holding the key trembling slightly.

Sam had given her the spare key the first time that he went under, telling her that if he didn't make it back, she'd find everything she needed, and what he wanted locked away in that box. Hopefully he had kept it updated over the years.

This was her promise to Sam.

He had made her promise to do this, and it was the only thing that he had ever asked of her. Even though she had wanted to, she couldn't refuse, she couldn't _not _give him this.

If anything ever happened to him, she had to come home and get the box, his instructions would be inside, and after thirteen years- here she was.

Slowing her breathing down, Sarah slid the key into the lock and turned it; the lock snapping open in one fluid movement.

Lifting the lid Sarah felt reality set in as her eyes shifted over the contents.

There were new items in the box, things she hadn't been anticipating.

The first thing she saw on the top was a photograph of Andy who had her head turned to the side, a carefree expression on her face as she let out a loud laugh at something or someone.

Sarah picked it up and set it down on the bed, the picture of Andy far from the Andy she had just met. She must really mean a lot to Sammy if he kept a photograph of her locked away, she knew exactly why he didn't have any of her in his home.

Under the photograph were several documents, including a copy of Sam's will, but she didn't read that- she just picked it up and set it down on the bed too.

His personal gun was in there, Sarah cringing at having to touch it. She lifted it out and made sure that the safety was on before setting it down. Sam had taught her how to shoot and handle a gun so she wasn't scared of it, she just didn't like them and what they stood for.

Sarah saw another photo next, one of Sam, Ollie and Jerry from years ago. They all looked so happy back then.

Loosing Jerry was hard on Sam, and she had wanted to come down but she had been unable too. When she spoke to Sam she could tell that it was killing him and that he wasn't handling his grief very well.

A small velvet bag in the corner of the box under a stack of papers caught Sarah's eye. She reached in and pulled it out, her fingers loosening the draw-strings and tilted the bag to empty it's contents into her hand.

Finding something that she had never expected Sarah felt her heart break for Sam. Putting the contents back into the bag cautiously Sarah set it down on top of Andy's photo.

Next Sarah saw an envelope with Andy's name on it so she set it down with the velvet bag.

Soon Sam's lockbox was empty, Sarah having set aside a few items and the envelope with her own name scribbled on it had been placed in her lap.

Packing everything back into the box except the velvet bag, photograph of Andy and the envelope marked for her attention as well as the one with her own name on it, Sarah locked the box and returned it to it's rightful place.

She scooped the items up and made her way back to the lounge, the items placed into her purse and her letter still clutched in her hand.

She was taking the things for Andy just in case they were needed sooner than she hoped they would be.

Sarah grabbed her water and sat down on the couch before tearing open her own envelope and reading over Sam's last requests.

It took her ages to work through the pages, her eyes skipping over the parts that dealt with UC, his body never being found and only reading what she thought was important now.

When she was through reading, she shoved the folded papers into her purse, locked the house and drove back to the hospital.

The doctor had told her that Sam's surgery could take up to six hours, but wouldn't last less than three. She had only been gone for an hour and a half, when she returned to find everyone that she had left still here.

Noelle was sitting next to Andy, Frank pacing up and down the hallway to the side of them with his hands in his pockets and his head hanging low.

Oliver had gone back to his room as soon as the doctor had briefed them on Sam's condition earlier, so Sarah decided to take a detour to his room first.

Sarah found Zoe laying with her head on Oliver's shoulder when she entered Oliver's room.

"Hi" she said when they both jumped up and stared at her in panic. "He's still in there..." She carried out in a bid to settle their panic as her hand waved up in the air over her shoulder.

"You doing okay?" She added when relief graced Oliver's face.

Oliver nodded, he was okay. He had a burst eardrum and would need to stay over night. Physically he was okay; emotionally and mentally he was a mess.

"You staying?".

Sarah nodded at Oliver's question. She really didn't want to be anywhere but here.

Sarah had numerous questions that she wanted answers too, but now wasn't the time to ask. Her biggest questions had to do with Andy, who surprisingly, was still here.

Sarah managed a weak smile as she turned to leave, satisfied at knowing that Oliver was okay.

"Sarah?". Oliver called out just as she reached the doorway.

"Yeah?" She gave him her attention when she turned around.

"Don't be too hard on her?". Oliver repeated his words from earlier.

"I won't".

Sarah lifted her hand up and waived before leaving Oliver's room.

It wasn't hard to get who and what Oliver was talking about, she just hadn't figured out why he would say that yet.

When Sarah approached Andy noticed that her mass of dark unruly curls had been tied into a messy ponytail, her clothes far from the sophisticated outfit she had been wearing earlier. Now she was clad in jeans, sneakers and a sweatshirt.

She crossed the hallway and made a beeline straight for Andy, who's insides became unstable again when she realized that soon she was to be the object of Sarah's attention again.

But this time when Sarah sat down next to her, she was smiling and looked a little calmer than she had before.

"You're still here" Sarah whispered after a while.

Andy nodded blindly, she wasn't intending on leaving soon.

"I'm glad" Sarah added looking at her, her face wrapped up in a warm expression.

"Yeah...I'll be staying". Andy said after taking a long breath.

After Sarah's harsh words Andy had sat contemplating leaving and staying.

Her mind wafted over the worst possibilities imaginable, and she allowed heartbreaking thoughts to consume her, but each time her answer was the same.

She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to be anywhere else.

What she wanted; was here.

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	5. The Comfort Of Friendship

**Hello Again!**

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**Okay, enough of me typing, let's get the chapter going...**

**Chapter 5- The Comfort Of. **

**Friendship. **

Four hours later the doctor emerged again looking placid and almost...Happy? Although he looked rather tired.

He looked around the room to find Sarah and Andy sitting side by side so he walked over, pulled a chair out to in front of them and sat down as everyone else moved away to give them some privacy.

His hands rested together in his lap, before one moved up, ran over his brow and returned to his lap.

"Surgery went well. Detective Swarek is in recovery and breathing on his own. He was responsive when we woke him up after the procedure, and he was coherent which is really good.

His fracture is a neat break, no splintering which was one of our main concerns. His bleed has stopped and the swelling is about the same, but should go down over time.

His vitals are good, he's strong, a fighter".

Giving pause the doctor waited a while before continuing.

"Unfortunately, we still don't know if there is any brain damage, or if his cognitive functions will be effected. At this point I don't have any more to tell you, I'm sorry. Detective Swarek is stable, but still in critical condition with the next forty-eight hours being crucial".

The doctor said his piece before getting up and leaving again.

Sarah jumped up and followed him as soon as he moved away, stopping him before he could leave completely "Can I see him?" She implored.

"In an hour or two, he'll be in ICU when he's moved from recovery".

Traci bumped shoulders with Andy, having slipped into a chair on the other side of her when she saw the doctor and Sarah leave Andy's side. She had stayed the entire time not willing to leave Andy in case things went sideways. Frank understood and never even asked her if she was planning on getting back to work.

"That's good news right?"

Andy tried to bask in the bliss of the news, but she couldn't. Two words stuck out, two words that turned any hope into numbness- _brain damage_.

"Can you take me home?" Andy suddenly blurted out.

Traci arched an eyebrow, she really wasn't expecting Andy to leave.

"I just want a shower and some clean, comfortable clothes. I'll catch a cab back"

Andy's reassurance made Traci's brows settle back to normal.

"I'll bring you back" she said sliding out of her chair. Even if she had to wait for Andy for three hours, she'd bring her back.

Nick had left hours ago, Frank had asked him to take Andy's, Sam's and Oliver's guns and duty belts back to the barn and then to give a statement before he was relieved from duty. Nick understood, Frank wanted him to get the minor details sorted out so that he was free later in case Andy needed him. Traci would have to leave eventually, she had Leo to think about and they could very well be here until well after sundown.

Nick and Andy had become close, and it was no secret.

When he was done at the barn, Nick raced home, grabbed a shower and clean clothes and stopped at the store to get some bottles of water, yogurt and fruit. Andy needed to eat something.

Sarah returned to Oliver's room baring the good news, although Sam wasn't out of the woods yet. There was just enough good in the news to hold everyone together a little while longer.

Zoe had left to fetch the girls, but promised to bring them by later.

Sarah stayed with Oliver for a while before returning to the hallway to find it empty.

She felt her heart drop when she realized that even though she had said she'd stay, Andy had left too. Only Frank was left behind, his head down and his elbows on his knees.

Sarah went in search of coffee and something light to eat while she waited for time to elapse so that she could see Sam. Time tended to move so slowly when you wanted it to speed by.

She was an impatient person, but right now all that could be done was wait, this wasn't a slow moving line at the grocery store, this was Sam's life so the utmost care had to be taken and that made her scrape some patience together.

When Andy was done in the shower, she found a tuna salad waiting in the kitchen for her, the look on Traci's face saying that they wouldn't be going anywhere until she ate something. Traci was working the whole _'I'm the boss so eat or you're walking back'_ look, but Andy understood, she was just looking out for her. She really didn't think that Traci would make her walk anywhere right now anyway.

Andy managed a few bites followed by a glass of juice. She really couldn't stomach more than that. Traci was satisfied, so she let it go. It was better than nothing, or a diet made up of coffee only.

When they made it back to the hospital, it was well past day shifts; shift end and they found all the familiar faces in the waiting room.

Gail, Nick, Dov, Frank.

They were all out of uniform and back to give Andy and Sam their support, except Frank who didn't look like he had even left.

Sarah gave up on trying to eat her chicken wrap. It was good, but her body didn't want to eat even though she knew that she had too.

She paid her bill at the coffee shop downstairs in the hospital and made her way in search of the ICU hoping that she would be allowed to see Sam by now.

When she came around the corner, the sight that met her gave her chills.

Andy was back, surrounded by friends- all of them being faces that she had seen here earlier in uniform.

The was an older man sitting next to Andy, holding her hand as he spoke to her, her head hanging down; her face blocked from view. Sarah assumed that it was probably her dad? Or a relative of some kind. He spoke and gently patted her hand, Andy's head bobbing up and down as she nodded at whatever words of comfort he was whispering in her ear.

Sarah stopped and watched the figures huddled together on the couches in the waiting room, the close bond shared between them evident, even to her- an outsider. It was a side of Fifteen that she had never seen before, and one that she had never anticipated. It made more sense to her now, Sam's love of Fifteen's four walls. It wasn't just about his job, it was about the people he worked with too.

It made her think; she had definitely underestimated Andy, and had assumed that she had snapped under pressure and left. But she hadn't, she had gone to shower and change and came back. That took a lot of guts. And a lot of courage.

Andy had a lot of friends, a lot of people looking out for her now when she needed them, that meant that she was loved and that she was a good person. Those thoughts somehow giving Sarah comfort because it made the decisions that she had made feel right.

Dov looked up to see Swarek's sister standing watching them so he stood up and pointed to his empty chair next to Gail, offering her a place to sit between them rather than standing to the side alone.

It meant a lot to her that he did that, but she didn't do crowds, didn't like masses of people so she smiled in thanks and declined by shaking her head and pointing to the ICU before she slipped through the door.

Andy watched Sarah walk away, feeling kind of jealous that she had access to Sam now.

But she didn't have any claim on him, so she didn't really have the right to see him.

Her dad had shown up unexpectedly, explaining that Nick had called and told him what happened. He stayed a while before making her promise that she would call him no matter what the time was if she needed anything.

As hours passed, the crowd began to thin, Frank leaving followed by Dov then Gail and eventually Traci when she said that she needed to tuck Leo into bed. Andy knew that it was a promise that Traci made to Leo after Jerry died; no matter what, she'd be there to tuck him into bed every night.

But Nick stayed.

They sat side by side in silence, no need to talk as a new day began when the seconds ticked past midnight.

Andy fell asleep with her head on his shoulder around two am, so Nick left her to sleep.

She needed it.

He'd forced her to eat a pear once everyone had left, and she asked for the yogurt so he was feeling positive.

Around three-thirty Sarah made an appearance, her face less than impressed when she came around the corner to find Andy sleeping with her head in his lap, and his jacket covering her after he got her to move when his shoulder went lame. Sarah Swarek stopped for all of three seconds before walking off back in the direction that she had come from looking like she was really P'd off.

She had obviously misread the situation and come to the wrong conclusion with what she saw. He would have to set it straight the next time he saw her.

Around five am Andy woke up with a startle, Nick knowing that she had a bad dream and that she had seen the day happen again while her eyes had been closed.

Then reality had set in and she knew that she wasn't dreaming, it was all real.

Andy sat up and rubbed her eyes, trying to wake up.

Nick got up and stretched his legs, before promising bad coffee and going in search of it.

He found Sarah at the coffee machine around the corner, her cold stare giving him the chills. She could totally master the art of the Swarek stare-down. It was no wonder Swarek did it, he had obviously had a good teacher.

"How is he?" Nick asked trying to break the ice, but she looked back at the machine and carried on throwing her coins in silently.

"Look, it's not what you think. She's here for Sam, I'm here for her; as a friend".

Sarah Swarek ignored him as she pushed buttons and waited for her cup to fill.

"It doesn't matter" she said coldly before picking up her cup and turning away as soon as the machine was done dispensing her drink.

"It does, it matters to her. She feels responsible, she's scared of loosing him, and whatever you think you saw... You're wrong".

His words made her stop and spin around.

She had an eyebrow arched up, her face still like stone as she retraced her steps and stopped in front of him.

"Okay, so then _why_ are _you_ here?".

She was questioning his motives, so he gave her the only answer that she would fully understand.

"What if something happens, and she's here alone? What about her? She's my Oliver- that's why I'm here".

That was probably the lamest thing that Sarah had ever heard, but it made sense. She understood Andy's relationship with this guy now, and his motives for being here.

She had been wrong- again. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had entertained the idea that this guy was the reason that Sam and Andy had broken up, she had even began to wonder if it was really a case of Andy merely having toyed with Sam.

Her lips curved up at the corners, the feint traces of a smile making it's presence know.

"Is she awake?".

Nick nodded, watching the ice melt. This time when she walked away, she went in the direction of where Andy was, instead of going all the way around to avoid her.

As soon as Sarah came into view, Andy's eyes widened. She hadn't been expecting to see her.

Sarah walked over to Andy, and sat down next to her, wishing that she could make her feel better. She really looked like she'd had a rough night.

Sarah knew that Andy had plenty of questions to ask, but she didn't say a word. She just sat in silence.

"He's okay, had a good night" Sarah finally said taking a sip of her coffee. Andy's friend was taking his time to return with theirs, probably to give Sarah some time alone with Andy.

Andy's breath billowed out softly, like she had let out a breath that she had been holding for a really long time. Maybe even for the entire night.

"I know it's only family in the ICU, but I think I can manage to convince the doctor to let you see Sam, you know; if you want too?"

Sarah had been split in two about letting Andy see Sam. But when she came around the corner and saw her now, she could see how desperately Andy wanted to see him. Andy's reaction to the words just spoken confirmed that she really needed to do this.

"On one condition, I need to know what happened between you and Sam".

Andy's eyes widened.

She had been trying so hard to push the past away, to hide what she was feeling; all those raw emotions bubbling back up to the surface.

She was reliving them all, and now she had to share them- with Sam's sister.

"I know that before I said if you stayed there was no going back, but I need to know that I've made the right decision to let you stay, that your presence won't be detrimental to his recovery".

Andy nodded, she knew since the moment Sarah had said that there was no going back that they would be having this conversation, that Sarah would want to know.

"I...". Andy tried weakly to find an answer, but she had no idea what to say, where to start. She also didn't want to step on Marlo's toes right now, even though her presence was still missing.

"Not now, but before he wakes up? Can you promise me that?".

Sarah had so much warmth in her voice that Andy felt her eyes prickle with tears again.

Nick came back with coffee at that moment, their conversation ceasing.

Sarah said a timid goodbye and left again, making her way back towards the ICU.

"You okay?" Nick asked when he sat down.

"Yeah. Fine". Andy tried to school her emotions, but it was so hard right now even though she knew that with Nick she didn't have too.

"You know I'm here right, if you need to talk?".

"I know".

Nick had been there when things between Sam and Andy were good, and he had been there when they fell apart and crashed down around them. He'd been her breakup buddy, and had really been her friend above all else.

When they left for UC, Andy had never expected him to be her partner. She had silently been dreading the fact that there was the possibility that Sam could show up when Luke mentioned that they had to pick someone else up.

But it hadn't been Sam, it had been Nick.

For months while they were away Andy had hidden what had happened with Sam the day she held the grenade, until one day she had a really bad day and Nick had managed to drag the truth out of her.

She told him everything.

She told him what she was thinking and feeling, her fears and regrets. Her hopes and dreams.

Nick had been there through all of that, and told her that if Sam really felt that much for her- he'd be waiting. Which he wasn't.

That was the reason that Nick would give him cold stares. Sam had broken her heart after breaking his promises to her again.

Now Nick sat by her side, being the shoulder she needed to cry on and the hand that she needed to hold because he felt for her, he really did. She had been trying so hard to accept that Sam had moved on that she had changed a little, become the old Andy that wasn't mad at Sam.

The Andy he first met.


	6. Harsh

**As always, thank you all for the amazing reviews, & follows! **

**Special thanks to the regulars & kelly2727! Welcome to all the newbies, see a lot of new names. **

**AN: Can Jennifer455 pls pm me? Can't reply to your request because you reviewed as a guest. Thanks! **

**Chapter 6-Harsh. **

Time ebbed away slowly, Andy sitting then standing, then walking around.

She was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, so eventually she just gave up. She was fidgety, then relaxed, then she was just about ready to climb the walls. The waiting was driving her insane.

She had been inundated with calls and texts from everyone since sunrise, and everyone was asking how Sam was, or if she needed anything, but her answers were always the same, _Fine_ then _No_.

When her phone's battery eventually went flat, Nick's phone started, but he took messages for her instead of handing the phone over. She appreciated it, she wasn't up to all of this right now.

A little after nine am, Zoe Shaw appeared with a brown paper bag hiding warm breakfast bagels and decent coffee. Andy was a little surprised that Mrs Shaw knew they were even still here, but summed it up to Oliver telling her.

_Oliver. _

His name made Andy feel bad, she'd had hours to go see him, but hadn't even given him a second thought.

She needed to apologize for walking away from him yesterday, even though he had called her name. She just couldn't face him then. And she really hadn't wanted to see the blame in his eyes when he looked at her. It was her fault that he was in here too, the reason he got hurt was because he was coming back for her when she wouldn't leave. Now Oliver had to go through a tough time and face losing Sam so soon after Jerry died.

Jumping to her feet, Andy looked shyly at Mrs Shaw before pointing down the hall and mumbling "Can I just um...?".

Mrs Shaw nodded, and smiled, Andy slipping away to see Oliver because his wife was most likely here to take him home.

Knocking on the door, Andy pushed it open and took hesitant steps into the room. Oliver smiled warmly at her, as she stepped closer. "You okay?". Typical, he was here as a patient and he was asking her if _she_ was okay.

"I'm fine" Andy said as she perched on the edge of Oliver's bed. He was sitting on it too, already dressed and waiting to be discharged.

Oliver gave her a look that told her he saw through her attempt to keep faking it. He knew that she wasn't okay.

"So they're springing you?" Andy changed the subject, her mind refusing to linger on the topic of her heartache.

"Yeah, but I'll be here everyday McNally, and just a phone call away".

"_Not_ what I meant" Andy said looking away, a new wave of emotion crashing over her.

"I know, but I know you too. I know Sammy even better, he'll pull through".

Andy's eyes whipped up from her lap to stare at Oliver, tears misting in her eyes as she heard the surety in his voice.

"Oliver, you don't know that" Andy's voice was cracking under the immense emotion that she was feeling.

"I do, Sam isn't going anywhere just yet. He needs to... Settle a few things, make some things right".

When McNally first came back, Oliver had asked Sam what he was doing. He had been referring to Sam dating Marlo, when things with McNally weren't as over as Sam tried to pretend they were.

Sam had said that he was doing what he was meant to do, doing what he needed to do, and then he just looked at Oliver and said that he was being an idiot.

When Sam had said that, Oliver had laughed, patted him on the shoulder and said _"Welcome back Brother". _

Oliver knew that Sam was eventually going to try and get a shot at talking to McNally, he could see Sam trying to prolong the inevitable by trying to put time on their side this time around, and time between what he assumed was Sam's talk with Marlo.

But time had other ideas, and Sam never got the chance.

"Sam's in good shape, he's strong willed. He won't go anywhere if he has unfinished business". Oliver was really trying to pacify her, trying to convince her that everything would be okay, but she just wasn't feeling it.

"I can't... He can't... I can't do this without him Oliver" Andy's broken voice carried out as her tears became free.

Sarah needed to stretch her legs again. The doctor was giving Sam the once over, so he had kicked her out of Sam's room in the ICU until he was done.

Passing the waiting area Sarah saw Zoe talking with Andy's friend, so she kept on going until she found Oliver's room.

As she was about to walk in, she heard Oliver talking, telling someone that Sam had unfinished business before he went anywhere.

Andy's voice followed, Sarah's stomach plunging to her feet as she heard how much pain was audible in so few words.

Leaving them to talk, Sarah took a leisurely stroll around hallways and let her decisions weigh themselves up against each other with every step she took.

Oliver wrapped an arm around Andy as she let her emotions spill free. She wasn't built to endure so much suffering, even though she was one of the strongest people that he had ever met.

"Sammy won't let go now, not when he's just got you back"

One single sentence had Andy's head shaking from side to side, her eyes blinking rapidly as she stared at Oliver. She could tell that he saw her confusion at his admission, so he knew that he was going to have to come straight out and say what needed to be said.

"Sam broke up with Cruz a couple weeks ago. When I asked him why, he said his heart wasn't in it".

Andy felt a bolt of shock shoot through her when Oliver's words were cold. She had no idea that Sam and Marlo weren't a thing anymore, and she was clueless because she tried to avoid watching them at all costs.

It also explained Marlo's absence now.

"What?" Her voice squeaked out the word before she could reign any control over herself.

"I just thought you should know". Oliver added seconds later, flashing her a goof grin.

But no matter how good the news sounded, or how hopeful the knowledge made her feel; she wasn't about to get her hopes up and let herself become more brokenhearted than she already was.

Andy headed back to Nick when Mrs Shaw made her appearance in Oliver's room, her welcome feeling way past worn out as she left.

She was surprised to find Sarah seated next to Nick, her hands pinching themselves together so that her knuckles were as white as pearls as they caught Andy's attention.

Sarah noticed Andy's presence and looked her way, her face warming up as she blabbed out a "He's okay" at seeing Andy's panicked face.

Sarah's words made a small amount of calmness sweep over Andy, her appreciative nod thanking Sarah.

"Can we walk?" Sarah suddenly asked Andy, finding her feet as she stood up. Andy looked briefly at Nick before following Sarah as she walked in the direction of the main hospital doors.

They walked around for a while, locked in silence, Sarah seemed jumpy and nervous, her hands constantly fidgety as they found imaginable items to cling to.

"Are you okay?" Andy asked when she could clearly tell that Sarah was far from the formidably strong woman that she had met yesterday.

"Yeah, it's just hard you know. I'm... Sort of having a tough time, but I'll be okay". Andy could hear the lack of conviction in Sarah's voice; she wasn't totally sure about her answer and didn't firmly believe what she was saying.

"So, I spoke to Sam's doctor this morning, and he'll let you see Sam if I agree". Sarah added swinging the topic away from herself.

That was enough to make Andy stop taking any steps forward as her stride faltered and she stopped to stare at Sarah, her heart skipping a beat.

"Just remember what I asked of you, no pressure though. When you're ready" Sarah had stopped walking too and looked up at Andy through her long lashes. She had the same dark eyes that Sam had, their hair the same shade too although Sarah's had a crazy, wild curl to it.

"I need to go home- to Sam's for a while, will you stay with him?".

Andy's entire aura changed with that one question, although Sarah could sense that she still had a few reservations.

But Andy nodded, and smiled, like she found the offer appeasing.

Sarah led them back to the ICU, the doctor long gone from Sam's room.

They paused outside the door, before Andy remembered Nick. She asked Sarah to hold on and rushed off to tell Nick where she was going.

He was happy for her, but still refused to leave, so she stopped arguing with him and went back to Sarah who was still waiting outside Sam's door.

"I just need to say bye" Sarah said and pushed the door open. Andy waited outside, the rule was only one visitor at a time, but her turn was coming so she didn't mind waiting.

Sarah came out of Sam's room moments later, her purse tucked under her arm, her lips in a tight line.

"You sure you want to stay?" She asked Andy to receive a small smile in return.

"Here's my number, if you need me or anything call me? I won't be gone long".

Andy took the small piece of paper from Sarah and shoved it into her back pocket with a quivering hand.

She didn't know if she was really ready to do this, to see Sam.

"Thank you, you know for staying?". Sarah's retreating form told Andy that it was time for her to see Sam, whether or not she was ready to.

Once inside the room, Andy's eyes took a moment to adjust to the dimmer light, but soon they focused on Sam who lay sprawled on his back in the high lifted hospital bed.

There were the expected tubes and wires attached to him, the heart monitor making his heartbeat echo throughout the room. The white sheets and pillowcases were another clear indication of just how real this was. The pungent smell of disinfectant adding more reinforcement to a harsh picture.

Andy was glad to see that Sam still wasn't on a ventilator, his body was coping with breathing on his own. That was really good.

When she found herself at his side she took in his paler features and his stoic face, and felt... Numb? Empty?

It was a far cry from the Sam she knew, but he was alive so that was enough for now.

Sitting in the chair placed by his bedside Andy tried to stop the guilt as it ran through her. This wasn't how things were supposed to be, how things should turn out.

It should be her and, not him even though she knew that she had less chance of surviving the explosion than Sam did. He was stronger and more stubborn than she was, and if it had been her then she probably wouldn't have pulled through.

Unable to stop herself, Andy whispered the words before she could stop them, even though she knew that he wouldn't hear them. "I'm sorry Sam".

She was sorry.

Sorry that they didn't last, sorry that she hadn't tried harder to talk to him after he broke up with her, sorry she left for Dakota.

Sorry that he chose to knowingly use his last breaths to protect her because she was too stubborn to leave.

But being sorry didn't help. It didn't change anything.

Andy traced a single finger over Sam's arm, from just under his elbow all the way down to his fingertips. His skin felt colder than it had always felt to her touch, but still- it sent an electrifying jolt up her own arm.

"This is so wrong Sam, it's not supposed to be this way".

She was trying to hold the onslaught of tears threatening to spill free back, but she couldn't. Not when the images of him in her mind turned to images that were real, images that made everything come crashing down.

Her hand flew up to wipe away the few wet spots from her cheek.

The door opened and Andy found herself face to face with Sam's doctor again, a timid smile passed in her direction.

"Officer" the doctor greeted as he moved to check on Sam's heart monitor and IV.

The doctors mood gave Andy the impression that he wasn't here to check on Sam, but she didn't say anything, just let her eyes follow the doctors movements as he rounded Sam's bed and eyed her back.

"He'll be okay" The doctor smiled as he watched Andy look between him and Sam before looking back again. "He's a fighter, been that way since I've know him".

"Oh" Came Andy's timid answer. She didn't know that the doctor knew Sam beyond his trip to the ER yesterday.

"He's a good guy too" the doctor added randomly.

"And so is Sarah, she's a really good person, she just tends to get lost sometimes".

Andy tilted her head to the side, the doctor revealing that he knew Sam and Sarah, but not loosing any of his 'doctor/patient' confidentiality promises.

"She likes you, it shows. Just, maybe keep an eye on her while Sammy's here?".

That totally blew Andy away. But confused her at the same time. Keep an eye on Sarah? What was that even supposed to mean?

"Sammy's stable. He had a good night, and his body is showing signs of starting to want to heal. His brain bleed is stagnant, and the swelling is the same, but until that goes down, he'll be kept sedated. We'll wake him up in about three or four days just to see if there are any signs of stress to the brain. Depending on how he reacts then, we might stop with the sedatives and just let him rest".

Andy's brain swerved between the topics as quickly as the doctors words had, her heart still feeling the dull ache it had been feeling since the doctor had first mentioned Brain Injury.

"And you need to eat, and get some sleep. Maybe swap out with Sarah, but don't leave her alone for hours?".

Andy just kept her gaze trailed on the doctor, she had no idea why he wanted her to keep a close eye on Sarah. As far as she knew, Sarah was a stable, normal person.

"Okay? Thank you" Andy finally managed to breathe out as the doctor looked like he was ready to leave her alone again.

He smiled and dipped his head before leaving Andy alone with Sam again.

The silence in the room encased her as she listened to the soft patter of Sam's heartbeat while she closed her eyes and tried to picture him smiling.

It was hard to see him without the feint traces of a smile or grin tracing his lips.

Seeing him like this was hard. Much harder than she had thought it would be.

Opening her eyes, Andy's hand swept up to play with Sam's hair, she just needed to feel that he was still here, she needed to give in to a moment of weakness and reach out and touch him.

The familiar feeling rushed up her hand as she fingertips embedded themselves in the hair that hung over his forehead, the connection they shared still making it's presence known as her entire hand began to tingle.

And that was a harsh truth to face, knowing that what you felt was only one sided. That what was there only came from you and that it wasn't returned.

The attraction was still there, and the longing.

The hurt was now wearing a new nametag, it wasn't so much the hurt that she felt about Sam breaking her heart, it was now the heartache she faced and felt knowing that there was still the slight chance that he would leave her forever.

****Thanks for reading!

So who's still here? & any guesses on why Sarah shouldn't be left alone?

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	7. Sharing Secrets

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**Thanks to all the regulars & kelly2727! If you're a newbie, welcome to my world!**

**P.S. Sam will start making an appearance from around chapter 9, & Nick will fade out soon, so watch this space...**

**Chapter 7-Sharing Secrets. **

Sarah came back after what felt like she had only been gone for mere minutes, Andy resigning to the fact that her time with Sam was up.

She had spent the better part of two hours _**not **_talking to him, _**not **_saying all the things that she had wished she had said, but never had the guts to, or the chance to. Now given the opportunity, she just hadn't said anything. She just sat and took the sight of him in as her mind ran over memories, some sad, some making her smile. She had held on to the silence for as long as she could while she tried to accept the fact that right now, things weren't looking all that great from where she was standing.

She had considered telling Sam about her dreams and aspirations and how they had turned into mirages when they moved to out of reach, but the words wouldn't leave her lips. She wanted to talk, but somehow saying anything now when he couldn't hear them just seemed wrong.

She even considered telling him what it was really like for her being under, and how scared she had been that she wouldn't be coming home, but that was something that she never wanted to admit too. Not even to him. Not even when he couldn't hear her. Saying that, it would just make everything so real.

When Andy left Sam's room, Sarah looked much calmer than she had when she left for Sam's house, she had showered and changed and had a ridiculous grin on her face for no apparent reason. She had also stopped wringing her own hands together.

Nick stood up when Andy came back, his face searching her's as he asked her twenty questions without saying a word.

She of course, answered in syllables, her voice clinging to the hope that the doctor had instilled in her.

Nick forced Andy to eat at lunch time, this time a toasted bacon and cheese that was still warm from the coffee shop.

Sarah hadn't made another appearance, so Andy and Nick spent hours alone just sitting and waiting it out.

Familiar faces stopped by throughout the day, at random times; Nick's phone had a flat battery too so now everyone was coming by in person.

Gail had stopped by and asked Andy for her phone. She traded out their cards and gave Andy her fully charged phone before leaving with Andy's flat phone. "Just in case you need anything" was what Gail had whispered in her ear when she hugged her goodbye, surprising them all that she was showing sudden warmth in Andy's direction.

"You, can call me later" Gail added to Nick before walking away, Nick's face erupting into a goofy grin as he stared after her.

Seeing that nightfall was drawing closer, Nick handed Andy his car keys and told her to head home for a shower and that he'd wait if she wanted him too.

His offer made her see what she loved the most about him- his nature to forgive.

He had set his differences with Sam aside and cut off all ties to their recent past by pocketing his pride and doing it for her. She knew that it was hard for a man to put their pride away, but here Nick did it without hesitation because he thought she needed him to.

Andy considered the option, before reaching out for the keys and mumbling a "Back in forty-five" before literally running out the door.

Andy raced home, carefully and grabbed a shower. She called the Penny and ordered Nick a decent meal of steak, two vegetables and fries. How anyone could eat veggies and fries together she had no idea, but he did. She ordered one for Sarah too and a Thai chicken salad for herself.

She stopped at the Penny and picked up her order before heading back to the hospital feeling better than she had when she left. It was as though she had her second breath for the day.

It was just beginning to get dark when she returned, Nick giving her a disapproving smile when she handed him his food. But he appreciated it immensely.

They sat and ate, Andy picking rather than eating but it was better than nothing.

Half way through their meals Sarah arrived looking a little shaken. It made Andy want to drop her food, but somehow she managed to hold on to it by instructing her brain to clamp her fingers around the takeaway carton a little tighter.

Standing up, sensing that something was wrong Andy handed her food carton to Nick who stood up as abruptly as she had when he saw Sarah, his own hands fumbling to take hold of Andy's container while holding onto his own with a frozen mouthful of food.

"I..." Sarah didn't say anything other than that before running off to the closest exit that would lead her outside.

Andy charged after her, while Nick stood rooted to the spot still holding the takeout containers. He had no idea what to do or what was happening.

"Sarah?" Andy called after her as she made it outside into the parking lot to find Sarah crying and fumbling blindly with her own hands. "What...?".

Andy was fighting the urge to grab hold of Sarah. She had seen her make minimal contact with anyone, so she didn't like to be touched. Grabbing her suddenly would freak her out, and probably scare her so it wasn't really a good idea right now.

Sarah froze and faced Andy when her voice tugged on her ears, her face crumbling as she spoke. "I need... Something, anything"

Andy didn't understand. Her face scrunched up, and her head shook lightly while she allowed Sarah's words to rattle around inside her head.

"Is Sam... Is he okay?". Andy managed to get out in a desperate question.

"He's fine". Sarah's mood seemed to sway, she was a puddle of mush one second then hard and closed off the next as she glared at Andy like the mere sight of her was wrong.

"Sarah, are you crashing?".

Andy recognized the signs when she started paying close attention, when her senses turned on and she looked and saw what had been there the whole time.

She had missed it, missed the clues because she was some place else facing her own demons. She had totally missed Sarah facing hers.

Sarah seemed shocked that Andy caught on so quickly. She was good at hiding things, so good in fact that she was even able to hide things from Sam, the person closest to her.

Andy let out a loud sigh as her hand made it's way to her forehead and her eyes squeezed out the sight of Sarah crumbling. She had no idea what to do right now.

Sarah was high, and she was coming down hard.

"I'm so sorry Andy" Sarah said in a tone that resembled a child's.

"He broke my heart". It just totally slipped out, blurted out randomly into the air between them as they stood outside in the dark, under the stars and splintering lights that lit up the hospital parking lot and front lawn.

Sarah seemed to snap out of wherever she was lost in to focus on Andy as she said that, so Andy nodded towards a cement bench that stood to the side of them under a light that hung overhead. Right now Andy was going with the only thing she had to go on: her mouth and Sarah's need to know what had happened between her and Sam.

Sarah nodded and wrapped her arms around herself fiercely before walking in the direction of the bench and sitting down.

"Sam uh... He shut me out after Jerry, wouldn't let me close enough to understand what was going on inside his head. He just pulled away- all the way away until there was so much space between us that neither of us knew how to close the distance between us".

Andy noticed that Sarah was rocking herself back and forth slightly, a sign that her body was hitting rock bottom right now. She wasn't trained for this, but she had to do something. There was no way that she could walk away from this, or just leave Sarah to do this on her own.

"I let him do that, let him put the space between us.

Traci read Jerry's wedding speech at the Penny the day of his funeral, and Sam just got up and walked out. Me being me, wouldn't leave it alone, so I followed him outside.

It was raining, had been raining all day, and it still hadn't stopped. You know the kind of drizzle that's nice, until you're standing out in it.

When I asked Sam what was wrong he said that he couldn't be a cop and be with me, like he was blaming me for Jerry"

Sarah made a snorting sound, like she found what Andy had just said so typical of Sam.

"He said he didn't, but I could see it, see that he did, you know. The truth always flares in his eyes he just doesn't know it.

So we're standing in the rain, and he breaks up with me. He just walked away and left me standing there. I tried calling him for six weeks, but he avoided me. Changed partners on shift.

I knew it was over".

Sarah was hanging onto her every word, the swaying motion had faded away, and her gaze had become a little more focused on Andy now than it had been minutes ago.

"So this guy kidnaps a kid and tapes her hand to a grenade, I find her and take off the tape, take the grenade from her and stand there waiting for it to explode in my hand when Sam walks in. He just strolled in like he was walking into another day at the office.

He um, he... He told me that he loves me, right then and there, in present tense like he was feeling it right at that moment. Who does that? Breaks someone's heart and when they think they're about to loose that person they walk into that kind of situation and say that?

And you know how I screwed it up?".

Sarah shook her head, riveted by Andy's story.

"He says he loves me and I say _'Sam I'm holding a bomb'_. Stupid I know. So he holds on to my hands and says _'so am I'_ and then tells me that he wishes I was in his head. And there was no way for me to change what I said or take it back, I totally screwed everything up with that answer".

Andy's eyes had been prickling with tears since she started talking, her hand moving up for her fingertips to touch her tears like it would confirm that they were really there.

"ETF arrived and took the grenade, and I left. Sam came to find me at the barn but the first signs of me shutting him down had him covering it all up, like it didn't happen, like he didn't say it.

When he saw me getting ready to leave, he made promises ... Promises that I didn't give him the chance to keep because when I walked out the door, I went straight under and was away for six months. I came home to find Sam dating Marlo".

Sarah stayed quiet, just watching Andy as her heart broke all over again at having to recount the bane of her existence.

"Sammy told you he loves you?" Sarah whispered out after letting the silence drag on for a while.

"Andy?".

"I know, he screwed up, I screwed up more. It just happened. I was so scared when I saw him standing there while I was holding a bomb. Then he did it again, and we ended up here".

"Where's Sam's... What's her name?".

Great, Sarah would just have to call Marlo Sam's right now.

"I honestly have no idea. She hasn't been here since...". Andy felt like sharing what Oliver had told her, but repeating his words would make it real and she really just didn't know how real that was.

Sarah seemed to have calmed down, her fidgety tendencies subsided while she gave Andy her full attention.

"Sam said he loves you?" Sarah repeated like she was having trouble wrapping her mind around it.

Andy's head shook to confirm her answer before she looked away.

"Andy, why did you leave?" Sarah was really having trouble understanding this woman. She could blatantly see that she had feelings for Sam but why was she hiding them?

"You don't want to tell me that do you?". Sarah said after Andy didn't answer.

Andy shook her head, it was something between her and Sam, not her and Sarah.

"He'll be okay I... I just don't know if I will?" Sarah said when Andy looked at her.

"You will be" Andy said flashing a feint smile at Sarah as she said that. Sarah didn't have a choice, she had to be okay, and strong because she had to be there for Sam.

"I've been, I... I've been clean and sober for six years Andy, one bump in the road and I throw it all away?".

Andy wasn't expecting Sarah to say that, Sam hadn't really told her much about Sarah and he had certainly never mentioned that she was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.

Sarah cocked her head to the side as she watched Andy with an expectant expression.

She was waiting for the disgust and the pitiful looks that people always gave her when they found out that she wasn't exactly a model citizen.

But with Andy it was different, it never came.

Andy gave her a sad smile instead, a little bit of acceptance and understanding flooding her eyes as she kept them firmly trailed on her.

"My dad, he um, he's an alcoholic but he's been sober for a while now. He's trying but someday's I can see how hard it is, how it calls too him to give up and give in but he keeps fighting. It makes me proud".

Sarah saw the admiration Andy had for her dad written on her face, and perhaps she had a tiny amount for her too because she spent six years fighting to stay clean.

Looking at Andy now, her guard totally down and her face a little less creased with worry Sarah saw why Sam was so taken with her, why he had been drawn to her and why he had totally closed off about them having called their relationship quits.

He hadn't let her go, he hadn't accepted that they were over and he was still feeling something.

He still loved her, a whole lot.

Andy just didn't know that.

*******thanks for reading! **

**Let me know who's still here & what you thought? Seems like Sarah's chasing her own demons. **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	8. The Final Hours To Consciousness

**Thank you all for the awesomeness that simply is each one of you!**

**Thanks for spending a little bit of time here, hope you enjoy...**

**Chapter 8-The Final Hours To Consciousness. **

Andy sat outside with Sarah for a while, her head telling Nick to back off with a light shake when she spied him approaching over Sarah's shoulder, when he came in search of them after they had been gone for so long.

They had spent time talking, until Sarah felt like she could face reality again and asked if they could go back inside.

Andy had told her that if she needed anything she should call her and gave Sarah her number in return.

She had told Sarah that she would be there to listen if she needed to talk, but she had practically begged her to basically not do or take anything that she would be considered in the _'relapse' _category.

Nick was still there when they returned to the waiting room, only he had different clothing on so Andy assumed that he had raced home and showered and then rushed back. She didn't even know that they'd been gone for _that_ long. Nick had probably wondered passed the ICU nurses station to get an update on Sam's condition before leaving, and had only left because he knew that Sam was okay.

When he gave her a questioning look Andy had pinched her lips closed, shook her head and avoided eye contact. It wasn't her story to tell anyone else.

She figured that Sarah was probably as much of a private person as what Sam was, so she wouldn't be telling anyone what Sarah had told her, not even Nick.

Sitting around was killing Andy, but she had no intention of going anywhere so she tried to keep herself busy by thinking positive thoughts and trying to keep her mojo as time proceeded to pass them by.

Andy refused to let her mind linger on anything negative, even though her heart was still silently dangling on broken strings especially after her talk with Sarah and the reminder of how bad her own emotional state was right now.

A gentle hand on her shoulder made her eyes fly open to find Nick hovering over her as he came into focus.

She had fallen asleep and guessing by the quiet that surrounded them now it was late night time again.

Sitting up Andy stretched out her sore and stiff limbs from being curled up into a ball in the single seater couch.

"Hey" she managed weakly as she greeted Nick.

"Sorry to wake you" Nick said handing her a soda and something she guessed to be food in a bag.

"It's okay" Andy said as she reached for the soda but declined the food. Her stomach wasn't up to the task of holding food down right now. Her nerves were shot, and her mind worried about Sarah now too as well as Sam.

"Traci and Gail were here but they didn't want to wake you" Nick said looking down to a bag next to her feet. Traci had packed a bag for her and dropped it off. What would she do without her? She was a friend in a million.

Movement behind Nick made Andy look up to see Sarah lingering behind him, she looked like she felt bad right now. She had a sweat shirt on with the sleeves pulled down over her hands as she tried to keep them still.

Andy smiled her way, silently giving her permission to come closer.

"Sorry, she said it was important?" Nick whispered and shrugged before he stood up straight and walked away under the pretense of stretching his legs.

"You okay?" Andy asked standing up, immediately worried that Sarah had hit the ground again.

"Yeah, I just... I need someone to talk to, to keep me busy you know. My mind is going crazy".

Andy noticed that Nick had set the food down on the small coffee table in front of her, so she said the only thing that came to mind "Wanna share my food?".

They talked for a while, the mood lightening as time drifted by, until the mood became serious and Sarah's face drooped under her own thoughts.

"It's hard Andy, he's all I have" Sarah said with tears in her eyes.

"But you've come this far, and Sam's going to be okay" Andy tried to sound so positive saying that, but she knew it was a lie, partly anyway. Sarah had stumbled, but so far Sam was doing okay although he wasn't out of the woods yet.

"No I didn't, I slipped...".

"A small slip-up, I won't tell Sam..." Andy was never really good at lying, or hiding things but Sarah looked like she needed this. Like she needed Sam to _never_ know about this.

"Andy..." Sarah sighed out, she was really battling. "I've always had the tendency to slip-up, Sam's the one that keeps me strong. Before... Before it was really bad, now it's prescription..."

Okay, so Andy was a little shocked that Sarah suddenly found the need to be so open.

"Sarah, it sounds better, like you want to stay sober, like you want to be strong, you can do this". Andy reached out for Sarah's hand, but stopped midair just before their hands touched. But Sarah surprised her and reached out for her hand and held it in her lap after tugging it over.

"Sam put me in rehab twice, he won't do it again".

Hearing that just broke Andy's heart. She could just imagine how hard it had been for Sam to do that. But it made Andy smile, Sam would keep doing what he had done in the past if it was for Sarah. "I think he would" she whispered.

Nick came back, his face hanging a little as he hung up a phone call before reaching them.

Sarah didn't stay long after that, she thanked both Nick and Andy and slipped back in behind the ICU doors looking like she had a weight lifted off her shoulders.

"That was Frank" Nick said as he sat down next to Andy.

"We're being called back to shift in the morning"

Andy's heart fell when she heard those words, but she had known that it would happen eventually. She couldn't stay here forever. She however just didn't expect it to happen so soon.

"We'll call and stop by Andy" Nick said trying to reassure her that they wouldn't completely stay away from the hospital now that they had to go back on shift.

Andy nodded weakly before setting her soda down and looking around the room.

"Let me take you home, you need a good nights sleep" Nick said just throwing it out there. He knew that Andy would put up a fight about leaving, but she had to get some decent sleep.

Andy gave him a look that said he was right. She knew without a doubt that she had to do this, she just had to do something else first.

"I just need... To say bye?"

Nick nodded and watched Andy walk towards the ICU.

Once inside she asked the nurse to get Sarah and then waited.

When Sarah found her she was starting to feel tired.

"Everything okay?".

"Fine, um I came to say bye I need to go home, we're back on shift in the morning. Can I..."

Sarah nodded and stepped away, she was more than willing to let Andy say goodnight to her brother.

She watched Andy from the doorway, so many emotions running over the woman's face as she said something in Sam's ear.

Sarah watched as Andy ran her fingertips over Sam's forehead. She knew Sam well. He had loved it when Sarah had smoothed the hair from his forehead as a child on nights when bad storms scared him and he had crawled into bed beside her. The motion had always soothed him back to sleep within minutes.

It also meant that Sam had a lot of trust in Andy if he let her do that now. Those had been hard times, when they were growing up, and even now Sam didn't like people touching him- especially intimately or in his face.

It wasn't long before Andy left Sam's side and Sarah joined her in the hallway. "Call me whenever okay? If I don't answer I'll call you later" Sarah nodded to the no cell phones sign, the red picture in stark contrast to the white wall it hung from.

Andy nodded and tried to smile, but the cracks had resurfaced.

"If anything changes will you call me? Or if you need... Whatever just call me okay?" Andy said in reply.

Sarah nodded and smiled back. In seconds Andy was gone leaving Sarah with memories of her watery eyes as she walked away.

Nick took Andy home and made no indication of leaving, so she left him alone when he passed out on the couch. She draped a blanket over him and waddled to bed before falling into a fitful sleep. He really was a good guy and was probably dog tired. She couldn't recall having seen him sleep at all over the last two days.

...

Nick woke her up with hot coffee in the morning, he knew her day wouldn't start without it.

She took a shower and got dressed, Nick following suit as he cleaned up before dragging her out the door towards the barn.

Andy was greeted with pitiful looks when she walked in, sad smiles passed in her direction as she passed strangers she didn't know in the hallway.

Frank handed out pairings and Andy wasn't surprised to find herself riding the front desk with someone named Casey.

It was Frank's way of keeping her out of trouble because he knew that her head wasn't focused. She appreciated it, although by the end of shift she would find the day long and exhausting.

Throughout the shift Andy's mind kept drifting to Sam, to Sarah, to every conceivable sad thought it could find.

By the end of her shift Andy was emotionally drained, she just didn't have one single ounce of strength left in her.

Nick was waiting outside the locker room when she emerged. "Need a ride?".

Just those words made her feel like slapping him, even though it wasn't his fault, he didn't know how many times Sam had been waiting for her just like that, and said those exact same words.

"Nah, I'm gonna go...".

"I didn't say a ride home Andy" Nick stilled her with his own voice.

"Okay, thanks".

When they got to the hospital, Nick insisted that they eat first. They ordered toasted sandwiches from the coffee shop to go, getting Sarah one too.

They moved to the waiting area that they had been consuming recently to find Sarah already sitting there like she was anticipating their arrival.

She gave them a warm smile, her hand lifting up to wave as she noticed their forms drawing closer.

"I'm gonna get us coffee" Nick said as he handed Sarah her food to earn himself a stunned expression from the woman as she took the bag. She still seemed to be warming up to him.

"Some people run, others do chocolate, Nick feeds you" Andy giggled as she plonked down next to Sarah.

Sarah was impressed when she saw them walking towards them. In a way, she was testing Andy to see if she would come back after being kept in the dark about Sam for nearly twenty-four hours.

She knew that it was wrong, but she wanted to see if she'd make a break for it once she was free.

And apparently, she wasn't about to flee.

"How was your um day?" Andy eased into conversation, Sarah knowing all to well that it was actually not really what she wanted to know.

"Good, yours?". She couldn't resist that answer.

"Okay. Fine".

"Can I make it better?" Sarah asked looking her way to find Andy nodding as she stuck a fry into her mouth.

Sarah watched her chew and swallow before she said her next piece.

"They're waking Sam up tomorrow morning".

Whatever reaction Sarah had been expecting was not the one that she got.

Andy paled and looked like she was going to burst into tears.

"That's a good thing Andy, we thought we'd wait for weeks, or maybe wait forever?".

"I know, it's just..."

"You're scared about the Sam that's going to be there when he wakes up right?".

Andy nodded.

"He won't blame you, trust me".

Andy looked down, her fingers tapping at her food like she was trying to shift her trail of thought.

"I think you know Sam pretty well, and I think you know that you didn't ask him to do what he did, he did it because he wanted to. He won't blame you".

"There are things he blames me for".

"Jerry?".

Andy nodded again before looking down the hallway.

"He said he didn't, but I know he does, I..."

"Andy stop. The only person that blames you for Jerry is YOU. If Sam did, really really did, you'd know".

Andy lost herself in silence for a while after that. She just didn't have anything to say.

"Want to say hi?". Sarah asked randomly to see Andy grow anxious.

Sarah smiled and nodded towards the ICU knowing that Andy would eventually go see Sam.

Soon enough, Andy did. Sarah leaving her alone for ten minutes, then fifteen, then thirty.

When Andy still hadn't returned then, and her coffee brought back by Nick had gone cold Sarah went in search of her to find her sitting on the edge of Sam's bed just looking at him.

She watched Andy for a while, just sitting there and briefly wondered why she didn't say anything to him. Most people had this undeniable need to say all the things that they never had the chance to before when they found themselves in this kind of situation.

But not her, because she was different.

Andy looked her way and stood up before meeting her in the doorway with a million questions written on her face.

"They're waking him around eleven, Oliver will be here just to see how much of him there is in there". Sarah answered the silent questions knowing it was what Andy needed to hear.

"I don't know what was going on in his life now, so the doctor asked for someone close that would know".

Andy just mumbled something illegible before surprising Sarah and hugging her.

She tried not to flinch, but it was a natural reaction to the touch of another human being.

"Sorry" Andy rambled out as she stepped back in a flash and let Sarah go.

"You know don't you, he told you?" Sarah wasn't all that surprised that Andy knew the small piece of her history that today defined who she had become.

"Yeah, he told me..."

"It's okay. I mean that you know" Sarah said strangely enough not feeling ashamed of her past because even though Andy knew before they met she had never used it to judge her.

"Will you call me, you know? And tell me?". Andy let the words tumble out on a strained tone.

Sarah smiled in answer as she confirmed that she would. "Go get some sleep" She said before leaving Andy and retreating back into Sam's room.

Andy made Nick leave her alone that night, she was tired of being his burden and a responsibility to him. He'd been there for her for months and months and she needed to let go before she became dependent on it.

He had put up a fight about staying until she told him that he needed to do something for himself before he regretted another wasted day. He knew she meant Gail.

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling, Andy left her bedside lamp on just to keep the shadows away.

She found her mind drifting over years of her life starting at one point and ending on today.

Sam of course consumed most of those thoughts, it was just the way it played out in her mind.

She reran the few words that she had said to him in the hospital, and suddenly regretted saying so few.

It felt wrong.

She had said a total of three short sentences to him because she wanted to say the rest when he was coherent enough to fight back. And hear what she had to say.

As her lids grew heavy, the sentences replayed and replayed in her mind as they echoed loudly in the silence.

_Don't you dare leave me Sam. _

_Why? _

_I'll be here waiting. _

_******Thanks for reading, hope you'll leave your thoughts in an awesome review?**_

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. A Look At The Future

**As always thank you for amazing me! Your comments & compliments are all appreciated. **

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & also welcome to all the newbies! Where have you all been hiding?**

**Okay, let's go wake Sam up...**

**Chapter 9- A Look At The Future. **

Sam woke up to the mother of all hangovers.

He literally felt sick as the nausea made his stomach burn and tilt to the side in threat of revolt. It had been a while since that had been an occurrence.

His head was pounding and his throat was on fire, a desert parch so strong his entire throat felt like he had been gurgling sand.

Opening his eyes, his vision swam as bright lights forced his eyes to close as quickly as they had fluttered open. His eyes watered from the harsh lights as they scalded his eyeballs and made them simmer.

If he was that hammered last night, he didn't even want to know where he was waking up this morning.

Jerry's bathtub?

Oliver's couch?

The neighbors front lawn?

None of those would be a first time occurrence.

Slowly the sounds surrounding him started to filter through the fog, each one separating itself from the other until they were audible and named on their own, no longer a collective noise that created more confusion because he couldn't place them.

Trying again when he smelled the disinfectant, Sam let his eyes open as he tried to figure out where the hell he was.

The white walls and beeping machines told him all that he needed to know.

"Sammy?".

Oliver's face came into view, his smile oddly appeasing.

"Mmmm" Sam managed to say.

"You okay there Brother?".

"Yup, can't say the same for your face". Sam stated when his open eyes were able to focus on his friends face.

Oliver let out a ridiculously loud laugh, like he found something Sam said to be outrageous.

"Welcome back"

"I been here long?".

"Couple days".

"Who was driving?".

"Driving?".

"Yeah, your face, my head..."

"We weren't together Sammy, this was um, a situation that turned explosive?" Oliver gestured to his face. He threw out the vague explanation hoping that Sam would say something else- something that would ring true to how he ended up here, although he knew that Sam wouldn't know what happened to his face.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Oliver added trying to sound completely normal as he shifted around Sam's bedside nervously.

Sam pinched his eyes closed and thought about it.

He thought long and hard.

There were random images playing across his mind, his mouth turning dry and his heart visibly picking its rate up on the machine next to him.

He had this idea in his head that for some odd reason, that he had left McNally crying.

It was the strangest thing.

Pushing that out of his mind, Sam sifted through random images and recalled memories as he tried to remember.

"Is um, where's McNally?" Sam said when he opened his eyes, he had to swallow hard after saying that. He just couldn't seem to shake that image out of his minds eye. It kept flashing even though he had absolutely no idea why.

"She's on shift, she's okay".

"Thats uh, thats good" Sam said nodding like it was an ordinary thing for them to be having this conversation.

"Did Brennan get away?" Sam added seconds later.

Oliver's eyes widened as he stared at Sam.

"Brennan?" Oliver asked scratching his head then rubbing his chin.

"Yeah, the one and only Jamie Brennan. My mark?".

Sam just didn't get Oliver's behavior now. It was really off. His gut was telling him that something was way off.

"Nope, we got him and then...?"

"We... I dunno, I have no idea". Sam mumbled sounding frustrated. His hand was smoothing over the edge of the bed linen covering him. Like that motion would give him answers.

"So that's the last thing you remember? Working Brennan? Did you see anyone you know recently, like maybe Nash, at the Alpine?".

Oliver was fishing for answers and he knew it even before Sam answered. Sam's confused face and furrowed brows were enough to clue him in. He didn't need Sam to actually say any words.

"No, I don't think so. I just remember working for him, I just started?".

Oliver smiled sadly at his friend, things were way off and he had no idea how long it would stay that way. But it was understandable under the circumstances.

"So?" Sarah asked as soon as Oliver stepped out into the hallway. Sam's doctor was waiting with her.

Oliver shook his head, and scratched the back of it as he looked at them remorsefully.

"He's... Different". Oliver said trying to sound totally calm and collected. But failing.

_"How_ different Oliver?" Sarah was almost pleading, her fingertips in her mouth as she nibbled on her nails. It was a bad habit. Her nerves were shot and it was showing.

"He's okay, I think. He's just not in the right time frame?" Even to Oliver's own ears, that sounded strange.

"Explain please Officer Shaw" the doctor chipped in before Sarah had a chance to respond.

"He's in the past, like the last thing he remembers was two and a half years ago? Maybe it'll come back?" Oliver- the ever optimist.

"So his timing is off?". The doctor clarified.

Oliver nodded.

Sarah cast an anxious glance towards the doctor, who however, didn't seem surprised by Oliver's information.

"It's speculative for now, but it may be short term memory loss due to his brains necessity to recover. I'll have another scan done this afternoon".

"Short term? How sure are you it's short term?" Sarah's voice sounded ragged as it came out sounding so far away.

"I don't, for now. It could be his way of dealing with the circumstances, or it could be due to minimal brain damage. I will only know more once we've run some more tests".

"More tests? How many more? That's all you've done since he's been here. What exactly _do_ you know Doctor?".

"Sarah, that's enough" Oliver tried to calm her, but it did little to hide her fury.

"Don't Ollie, Sam's had all the tests that there are and they don't know any more than they did when he came in".

"Sarah, some things can only be tested when Sam's awake, when he is in a state to respond. For now he'll be kept lightly sedated, and we'll take it from there. This is not something that we can push, or hurry, it needs to be dealt with slowly. His mental health is a worry right now because of what he did, and until I am able to have that assessed, no-one can talk to him about the time frame, and the past. He has to remember on his own". The doctor was cautious with his wording, he didn't want to scare Sarah anymore than she already was.

"So we can't tell him he's lost two and a half years of his life and help him remember?" Sarah spat the words out. "Why will he still be sedated?".

"It's just to help his body recuperate. He needs to rest, and we both know that he'll be walking out of here before sunset if he's still awake. And yes, forcing memories to resurface can scar him, it can force his mind to shut them out completely".

"But he's going to be okay right?"

"I think so. We'll assess his motor skills tomorrow and his cognitive responses, but if he's responding so well now he should be fine in time".

The doctor left Sarah in the hallway with Oliver, his face a sad mask as he walked away to sign off on Sam's new lighter anesthetic.

"This is so wrong Oliver".

"I know, but he'll be okay".

"Don't make promises you can't keep"

"I'm not, we both know Sammy. He's stubborn, and he's hard-assed, but he always bounces back". Oliver tried to reinforce his words with a firm tone to make it sound like he believed what he was saying.

"What if this is the one time that he doesn't. What about...?"

"What about her?" Oliver finished Sarah's abandoned sentence.

"Does he remember her?"

"I don't know, I really have no idea. He remembers her, a person but that's all I can say for now".

Sarah ignored the five texts that Andy sent her throughout the day, she just didn't know how to answer her unwritten questions. She knew that Andy would be here after her shift was over, then she'd have to face her. It was something that she wasn't looking forward too.

Sam was back in an induced coma when she returned to his room after having coffee with Oliver. It brought her a strange sense of relief, because right now she couldn't face him.

The doctor had Sam woken up again at three pm, Sarah being asked to leave the room again when he showed signs of rousing. Once he was assessed Sarah was asked if she would like to see him before he went under, but again she declined.

As predicted Andy showed up after shift, Sarah barely able to look her in the eye when she found Sarah hiding in the waiting room.

"Hi" was the only thing that would come out of Andy's mouth when she saw Sarah's sadness envelope her.

"He's okay" Sarah said almost immediately. She just wanted her to know that. More than anything Andy already knew, or was about to find out that piece of information was the most important.

"Okay" Andy said when she sat down next to Sarah. She had come alone tonight, she had taken a cab and ditched Nick as soon as her feet went into the locker room after her relief stepped in behind the front desk.

"Is that it?". Andy sensed that she might just have to drag answers out of Sarah, after all she was Sam's sister.

"Nope".

Sarah stared down the hallway, looking at everything but seeing nothing. "Can you um, stay until nine?".

It was a little after seven, so it was still a while before Sam was scheduled to be woken up again for the last time today.

She knew that she was about to take a huge risk, and possibly make a tremendous mistake, but she was doing what Sam had taught her; trust your gut.

"Yeah sure". Andy didn't even ask why.

"Will you see him, when they wake him up?" Sarah added after Andy had already agreed to stay.

"What?" Andy tried not to screech the word out, but it just happened.

"I can't, I'm sorry. And I need someone that knows him to see him. Please?".

Andy looked at Sarah to see her the most broken in this moment than she had since they met.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea".

"Please, this is all I have to hold on to right now. Don't take that away from me".

Andy merely nodded, she couldn't answer verbally. Her voice wouldn't hold a single syllable right now.

As time stretched on, Sarah stayed sitting with Andy until a night nurse suddenly appeared and smiled down at them before asking Sarah if she wanted to see Sam.

Sarah shook her head before looking at Andy who somehow managed to stand up on her shaky legs.

Andy followed the nurse to Sam's door, while wiping her sweaty hands on her jeans and trying to rope her staggering heart rate into something that could be considered normal.

When Andy approached Sam's bed, his eyes were still closed, his face looking like it was chiseled in stone.

Sam's eyes snapped open and his face gave her a slight smile as his head turned to the side when he felt her presence in the room.

"Hi". Andy was proud of herself for being able to make it sound strong and happy as she held her hand up in a small wave.

"Hey" Sam managed back, his voice croaking from disuse.

"You feeling okay?" Great, that was such an intelligent thing to ask someone in a hospital bed.

"Never better". Sam managed to flash her a real dimpled grin when saying that.

Andy felt her blush run up her cheeks as they inflamed with color. She let out a light giggle at his sarcasm too.

"Bet you're giving the nurses a rough time" Andy said coming closer as she felt her nervousness ebb away.

"You could say that I'm falling asleep on the job" Sam croaked back with lips curved up in a slight smile.

"You doing okay?".

Andy nodded, Sam always had this inconceivable urge to know that she was okay. She just never really understood it.

"Fine. Totally okay?"

Sam raised an eyebrow at her response, almost like he was daring her to lie some more.

"Really, I'm fine" Andy said rolling as much conviction as she could into the three words.

"So, how's...". Sam was about to say something but stopped. He had no idea why, but the rest of that sentence was just wrong. It was flawed.

His gut told him that it was wrong, while his memories scattered around and he saw images of Andy crying. Because Callaghan screwed up and she left him? And he nearly asked her how he was.

Small things seemed to trigger something that had been buried, like the smell of Andy's perfume; it made him think of her looking up at him? Like that wasn't a total obscene thing to think about.

"How's?" Andy said when Sam stopped talking, prompting him to continue. He had to shake his head, visibly removing the muddled thoughts from his mind.

"How's um, Nash? And Jerry?".

As Sam's question was heard, Andy took a slight step backwards and knocked into the nurse coming in behind her undetected.

She apologized profusely as the nurse gave her a knowing smile and said "it's okay" before moving around Andy to Sam's bedside.

Andy felt like she couldn't breathe, like the walls were closing in on her and there was nowhere to go.

Andy watched as Sam said "No thanks" as the nurse held a syringe up, like he had an option in the matter.

She knew what was coming next; Sam was going to be sleeping within a matter of minutes.

"Sam, when was the last time you saw Jerry?" Andy fluttered the words out desperately.

She so badly needed him to answer.

The nurse was still in the way, Andy really feeling like she could shove her out of the way to get to Sam and get an answer if she had too.

Andy flew around to the other side of the bed to see Sam's eyes already struggling to focus on her after the nurse shot the anesthetic into the IV pipe embedded in his hand.

"Sam, please tell me when the last time was that you saw Jerry" she pleaded, this time picking Sam's hand up as she spoke.

"I ... Jamie" Sam managed out before her smiled Andy's way and let his eyes droop.

Her hand on his made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

It wasn't the first time that he had touched her, or her him, even though he knew that she was holding his hand in a moment of weakness, a moment he could tell that she was battling with.

*******Thanks for reading!**

**So let me know what you think about where I made Sam's memory stop. **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	10. Hell On Earth

**As always thank you for the follows & amazing reviews! You guys are awesome!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & all the newbies!**

**Chapter 10- Hell On Earth. **

When Andy saw her attempts to delve any deeper where futile, she let go of Sam's hand after giving it a light squeeze and left the room with her heart dragging on the floor between her feet.

A series of emotions crashed through her, her legs becoming wobbly and her feet began to drag. She just couldn't function properly.

When Sarah saw her, she knew without being told that Oliver's evaluation of Sam had been pretty accurate.

"You okay?"

Andy was pale, really, really pale and she looked like she was fighting the tears so earnestly that Sarah felt bad for sending her in there without warning her about what they suspected.

"No" Andy said as Sarah stopped in front of her.

"What happened?".

"What did the doctor tell you?" Andy fired back after a minute spent in silence studying the woman in front of her. She knew something, Andy just didn't know what or how much.

"He doesn't really know much yet, he wants to run more tests tomorrow".

"But you knew that he...". Saying _forgot_ was beyond her ability now, so she didn't.

"Oliver said that there were some... Signs, but it doesn't mean anything" Sarah tried to sound so firm in her answer.

"And you didn't think too warn me? How could you let me go in there like that?" Andy's voice raged, she was mad, but she was finding it more inconceivable to wrap her mind around than anything she had ever dealt with before.

"I wasn't sure okay, and I'm sorry but I needed someone closer to Sam to test the theory".

"Test the theory?"

Andy couldn't deal with this now.

Not with Sarah.

Not with Sam.

Nor with Sam forgetting Jerry.

So she walked away, intending on leaving everything behind.

As Andy took frantic strides down the hall towards the main entrance doors Sarah's voice called out after her.

"What did he forget Andy?".

Andy froze and gathered her thoughts before turning around and walking back over to Sarah. When she stopped she said the only thing that she could "He forgot his best friend".

Sarah drew in a sharp breath as the words met her ears, she knew exactly who Andy meant.

Andy's arms moved up to cross over her chest in defense before she spun around and left Sarah alone in the hallway to comprehend what she had just said.

The walk home had Andy reflecting over how Sam had forgotten the most important thing that had happened in his life in the years that she had known him.

It stung that Jerry's death was one thing that Sam couldn't hold on too, but in another way- she didn't blame him. She had tried to imagine how he felt, but the pain she had seen him in when they were living through it was just unimaginable.

Her mind convinced itself that it was a reaction to the head injury, or a aftereffect of the surgery, or maybe the amount of drugs that he had been getting pumped into his body. Sam forgetting that Jerry died- it just wasn't possible.

Two blocks from home Andy found herself wondering what else he had forgotten, how much he had forgotten.

When her hand reached out to open her front door the full force of Sam losing a part of his life hit her.

Jamie Brennan.

Sam had said that he had last seen Jerry around the time that he had left for the Brennan case, that was a little over two years ago. How much in between then and now was gone too?

Slamming the door as she walked into her condo, Andy finally gave in to the threatening tears and let them spill over.

She wasn't strong enough to hold them back anymore.

...

When the sun rose Sarah found herself already wide awake.

Now that Sam was improving she went home to his house and spent a few hours there trying to get some sleep. The first thing that she had done when she had arrived was empty out his fridge, then the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and finally all the alcohol that she found in the kitchen cupboards and fridge. It was hard, but her determination was stronger than her weakness at that point.

Her mind kept racing over to Sam, and then to Andy and then back again, the sudden swerving and swaying giving her whiplash.

Sipping on her really early morning coffee Sarah remembered the items from Sam's lockbox still tucked away in her purse and she considered putting them back until the doctors warning echoed through her mind. If Sam had lost some of his memory, then they couldn't be forced to return. Those items could very well do just that, force him to remember something he wasn't ready for just yet.

She had resisted the urge to read the note that had been forgotten in her purse up until now, but she couldn't resist anymore so she went to get it.

The words burned her eyes as they blurred after sweeping over the page once the envelope was neatly ripped open.

Sam had written a total of one sentence, one sentence that was more powerful than anything she had ever heard him say. It matched what he had hidden in the small bag, that much was certain because without the contents of the bag the sentence wouldn't make sense.

Folding the paper back up, making sure to keep the folds in the paper along the ones that Sam had made when he put the paper into the envelope, Sarah put the it away her heart tearing up a little when she had a better understanding of why Andy was so freaked out and so cold towards her when she left the hospital last night.

It was a hefty blow for her to deal with when she had probably assumed that she was going to have to face Sam learning about Jerry's death all over again.

The ramifications of Sam having memory loss extended past that point too, how much had he forgotten?

Maybe it was only temporary and would come back, on its own once Sam had; had more time to heal.

Sarah made her way back to the hospital after having copious amounts of coffee and a long hot shower.

She really felt nervous today knowing that more light would be shed on Sam's condition.

She found his room empty and went to the nurses station to be told that Sam was a floor up having his tests run and that he'd be a while. So Sarah decided to pay Andy a visit hoping that she would be at the barn.

The warmth of the barn clouded around her as soon as she stepped inside, the familiar smells and sounds taking her mind back to many years spent inside these walls. Many worries too.

"Hi".

"Just a second" Andy said when Sarah said hello. She wasn't looking up, she was talking into the phone and typing away at the keyboard in front of her frantically as she paid careful attention to what the caller was saying.

"I'm sorry what?" Andy suddenly mumbled out on a hushed breath. "Mr Jones is your dog? I am so sorry Ma'am, but we don't fill out missing person reports on dogs"

Sarah had to stifle a giggle when she heard Andy say that. It was probably an elderly person calling and it was a shame that they probably didn't have anyone else to call when their dog got out and didn't come home.

When Andy looked up after ending the call, Sarah saw how tired she was, the circles under her eyes more predominant in the bright lights now that she was paying attention.

"Hi?".

"You okay?" Sarah said noting Andy's still pale complexion too.

"Yeah fine". Andy was short and sweet in answering, but still cold and distant too. "Everything okay?".

"Yeah, Sam's having his tests done so I thought I'd swing by and see how you are. I should apologize too".

"It's okay, I get it now" Andy let her eyes swing away from Sarah. She felt bad for her reaction last night but it had just happened.

"No, you were right, I should have warned you and I'm sorry. I just needed someone that knows Sam to see for themselves without being swayed in that direction".

Andy could hear the sincerity in Sarah's voice, and it made her feel worse.

"Look, just don't stay away okay. I don't have anyone but Sam right now so I need you to do this with me".

Andy was a little shocked when Sarah said that, it made her eyes well up involuntarily again.

"I really need you there, for me. If you can't be there for Sam I won't hold it against you, but don't leave me to do this on my own".

Andy felt like she was having open heart surgery while she was awake, Sarah's need for someone to lean on startling, heartwarming and gut wrenching all at the same time.

"I'll be there" Was all that her voice would carry when she noticed Frank heading in their direction.

"Sarah?". His voice boomed across the room, Sarah suddenly schooling all emotion to hold a stoic face as she turned to seek him out.

"How are you holding up?" Frank focused on Sammy's sister when he got close enough to the front desk to address her.

"Okay".

"I'm glad you stopped by, have you got a few?"

Sarah nodded at Frank's question, she knew that there would be official things that she needed to deal with one way or another.

"See you later?" Sarah asked, Andy nodded in sadness as she replied. Her nod meant that she would be stopping at the hospital on her way home.

Sarah followed Frank to his office where he held the door open and waited for her to step inside before he mirrored her actions.

Sarah sat down once inside, she wasn't about to wait and be told to sit down.

Frank sat across from her, his hands pressed together as he rested his elbows on his desk.

"I saw Oliver this morning when he stopped by, is there more news?".

"No, he's being poked and prodded and it could take a few days..."

"I know this is hard, but Sammy's tough, he'll be okay".

"Frank I know that, but it's not just Sammy I'm worried about. I'm worried about her too" Sarah looked towards Andy who must have felt her ears burning because she looked up and made eye contact at that moment.

"McNally's tough, she's strong she'll make it out okay".

"Frank, take off the uniform okay. Andy is starting to break, and Sammy's already broken. They're people, not just cops" Sarah snapped. She didn't mean too, but Frank just sounded so removed that she felt like a complete stranger was bullshitting her into believing that everything would be okay.

"You know that she's the rookie that burned him right?".

Sarah let out an annoyed huff, of course she knew that.

"You know that she's also the one he was suspended over?".

Wait, what? Sam had been suspended?

"He didn't tell you?".

Sarah shook her head, that was definitely not something that Sam had shared.

"His last UC? He went under and they ran into each other. Sammy got made but she got him out. The other rookies wouldn't go home until he was found. He refused to take another UC after that, took a months suspension and then came back to work like a bear with a sore head because she wasn't here. Do you know what he said the day they had their tribunal decisions released?".

Sarah kept looking between Frank and Andy, she just couldn't help it. If Sam was here right now, he'd be in so much trouble.

"He said that if they wanted his badge they could have it, but if they took hers he was done".

Frank let his honesty rattle around in Sarah's mind as she digested what he was saying. It was his way of telling her that he knew where Andy stood with Sam.

"That's why she's here. If I let her stay off she will crumble and fold and I'm not about to lose more of the people that have made this their home". Frank was being completely open with Sarah. He shouldn't be that open, but she should know that they were looking out for McNally and trying to be the glue that held her together when she was falling apart.

"Okay, but just go easy on her" Sarah said as she focused on Frank. "So what do I have to sign?".

Frank gave her the run down and assured her that Sam would be taken care of while in the hospital and after that if needed. He wanted her to know that medical expenses would never be a worry, and that she had a support system between them if she didn't already know that.

He went on to go over basic procedures about on duty injuries and recovery and that everything would be taken care of. He needed to lighten her burden.

When Sarah said goodbye Frank felt better knowing that right now she had a few less worries to make life harder on her.

On her way out Sarah stopped in Frank's doorway before asking a question that had been bugging her since she first spoke to Andy. "Who's Marlo?".

Frank didn't show any surprise at her question, but instead showed that it made him uncomfortable.

"Sam's ex-girlfriend".

Sarah's eyebrows shot up as confusion set in.

"After McNally, that's uh, that's Cruz right there" Frank nodded towards the bullpen, Sarah's eyes seeking the brunette out as she walked across the room.

"She doesn't know" Sarah stated the answer as she looked to the other side of the room where she found Andy looking in the opposite direction of the other woman.

"Sammy never got the chance to tell her himself, but somehow I think she might know more than she let's on" Frank said, his voice carrying a sign of guilt because he hadn't told McNally either. But that was how they worked; they didn't share secrets and carry tales, they had to be said on their own, from the source. They had left it up to Sam to tell McNally that he wasn't seeing Cruz anymore, it wasn't their place to share his secrets although that couldn't really be considered a secret.

Andy was absent when Sarah wanted to say goodbye a few minutes after leaving Frank's office, but she had the feeling that she would keep her word and show up later.

"Got a minute?" Andy looked up surprised when she heard Luke's voice. It had been a while since he bailed on Fifteen again after Dakota had wrapped up. He had only been back once since then, when it looked like Jerry's killer had struck again and another young girl went missing.

"Hi yeah sure" Andy said noting the rookie behind him. This was obviously official if he bought a replacement down to front desk with him.

Andy followed Luke to an interview room and knew what was coming the second he held the door open for her and she saw the video camera and note pad on the desk. He was here to take her statement. He caught the case.

Twenty minutes sped by as Andy relived the events that still haunted her dreams and turned them into nightmares.

When Luke was satisfied and wrapped it up, he smiled at her before actually asking how Sam was.

She gave him the short version, the nice one, the one she could speak about.

"Any suspects?" Andy asked changing the subject. She knew that the badges were going to go all out to track down the people responsible for rigging the house, the Meth lab, abandoning the kid. "Hey, did you find the kid?". Sudden panic ran through Andy. She had been so focused on Sam that she didn't even know if the kid had been in the house when the bomb rigged to the pressure plate went off.

"Yeah, he's fine. He's with child services. Did Swarek seriously trade places on the pressure plate?". Luke sounded like he was having a hard time believing her story but he had probably already heard about it from Oliver. Andy nodded just once.

"You know why he did that right?" Luke asked staring at her.

"I wish I did" Andy said before shifting her chair back and standing up. This conversation was over.

Andy turned around three times before finally making it inside the hospital doors.

Three times she had chickened out and almost left, but she just didn't have it in her to leave without knowing.

Finding Sarah smiling at her, pretending to reading a magazine Andy found her effort worthwhile as she managed to smile back.

So far Sarah had managed to stay strong, and stay clean even though Andy knew that she was facing hell on earth right now. She admired that and couldn't let her down because of it.

Andy sat down next to Sarah who put her magazine down on the chair next to her on the other side, Andy's eyes fluttering to the bag at Sarah's feet.

"Sam's being moved out of the ICU" Sarah stated with so much happiness in her voice that Andy felt it roll off her in waves.

"So soon?" It was kind of confusing. Sam was barely awake when they let him be awake, and he was being moved?

"He had his tests done and the doctor is pretty happy with the reports so he's stopping Sam's induced comatose state and moving him to the medical ward".

Wow, Sam was determined to go home soon.

"That's great" Andy said showing Sarah her first real smile.

"What?" Andy noted the sudden panic well in Sarah's eyes as she took a moment to think over something that wasn't all that happy.

"Sam..." She didn't know how to say this.

"Sam has a few memory issues, but they should come back. The swelling may be causing it, but he has all his motor skills and has full brain functionality so it's better than we hoped for".

"Memory issues?" Andy nearly choked out. She was beyond ecstatic about the news that Sam was basically okay apart from that, but still it felt like maybe he would be different. She knew that Sam forgot about Jerry's death, she just assumed that it was because he had just been woken up and he was confused. That was the story she had been telling herself, the excuses she made up until she believed them.

"It's only minor Andy, the important thing is he'll be okay". Sarah was avoiding the topic head on, Andy could tell.

"How bad?". Her voice held that undeniable quiver, the one that spelled out threatening tears.

"Andy..." Sarah didn't want to do this, she didn't want to scar the happy moment.

"Sarah how bad?".

"Sam saw a phsycologist and she thinks it's just a temporary thing, you know, an emotional block".

"Sarah!" Andy tried not to yell it out, but it just happened.

"Andy Sam's blocked out almost three years of his life. Everything beyond one point has been erased. He doesn't remember becoming a Detective, the accident or even Jerry. And he doesn't remember dating you".

********Thanks for reading!**

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**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	11. Never

**Wow you guys sure know how to make my day, thank you!**

**As always thanks to the regulars & kelly2727, if you're a newbie welcome!**

**Chapter 11- Never. **

Everything stopped with those few words.

Andy felt like some kind of unseen force was choking the life out of her as she stood up and was rendered useless except for staring at Sarah whose face had turned pale because she had to let words like that out.

Before now, Andy hadn't really experienced one of those defining moments, the kind that changes your life and you knew it. But she was right now as her knees knocked together and her breath caught in her throat.

_"What?"_. It came out before she could stop it.

"Andy, I'm sorry. He remembers going on his last UC and that was the last thing he remembers. Oliver was here and they spoke for some time today, and that's where he is. The phsyciatrist thinks it's an emotional, mental block. He's doing it to himself".

Sarah had taken a few steps after standing up when Andy flew out of her chair, now she found herself sitting down, Andy just standing there staring at her.

Andy shifted around slightly, a low sigh filling the air around her as she exhaled the breath.

"So that's it? There's just ... Nothing?".

Her tone rolled free bearing misery and unseen agony, Sarah's heart shredding for her.

Sarah nodded rather absentmindedly, what could she say?

"Will... Will it come back?"

"We don't know, but we can't force it, can't tell him the truth. It could suppress it even more and end up giving him an episode..."

Andy felt the last of the breath leave her lungs and they began to burn. But she couldn't inhale, her lungs refused to cooperate as she found herself sinking into the chair next to Sarah.

...

Sam woke up feeling okay, but still feeling tired. No matter how much he slept, he stayed tired.

He'd been in here for three weeks and had been subjected to more than enough tests and physiotherapy to last him a lifetime.

He was at least mobile on his own now, able to move around unaided.

And it was time to go home.

Sarah had been back and forth between St Catherines for the last week, she blatantly refused to just stay at home and leave him to cope on his own.

He was better, and was getting discharged tomorrow morning, so there really wasn't a reason for her to stay anymore.

Over the weeks he had been incarcerated in here he had spent a fair amount of time wondering what his life would be like when he went home. He wondered how long it would be before Frank let him back on shift.

He had; had a steady stream of visitors, even McNally had been in and out a few times to say hi. Okay, if he was honest, she was probably here more than anyone else, except maybe Sarah.

Jerry was the only one that hadn't come to see him, or called and even though he searched deep down Sam simply couldn't find a reason why Jerry would be pissed enough to stay away.

But he didn't ask, not even Oliver because he didn't really want to know.

Then there were the vivid images that plagued his dreams turning them into nightmares.

He would wake up startled, drenched in sweat and would always find his hands hovering in front of his eyes as soon as they opened.

In his dreams his hands were always covered in blood and no matter what; he couldn't escape it.

Somewhere deep down Sam knew that something had happened, but he put it down to the accident he had that landed him up here in the first place. He had been told that it happened on shift, that he had gotten hurt because he had been protecting another cop, but that was all they told him.

Other than those details, that day was a complete blank.

Shifting around in bed Sam got comfortable for his last night in the hospital while his mind thought over the other dreams he would sometimes have.

Those were the ones that scared him, the ones that left him wondering if he had left someone behind.

Crazy, right. He was totally loosing it.

But the dreams were so real, if he reached out he'd be able to touch her.

That was the other thing that had him panicking, he had no idea who _SHE_ was.

In his dreams she had hair the color of chocolate, and she had eyes that he knew he would loose himself in. He could tell that she loved to smile, and he loved it when she did. Her light laughter would turn his nightmares into the things that dreams were made of, but he never saw her face.

It was always blurry and out of focus, like his mind didn't want him to know who she was.

And it was driving him insane.

So insane that he had considered asking Oliver if he had been seeing someone, but he just couldn't bring himself to.

Sam ran a hand over his face as he reached out and turned the overhead lamp off. It was late, he should get some sleep.

Sometime later Sam jerked awake, a cold chill running through him at the vivid images that still flickered across his vision even though his eyes were now open.

With a shaky hand he flipped the light switch on the wall above his head and flooded the room with light as his other hand sought out his phone.

Oliver didn't answer after the third try, so Sam figured he had his phone on silent. So Sam called the only other option he really had- McNally.

By her sleep hazed "Hi" he could tell that she was asleep, but didn't really care that it was a little after one am.

"When...". Sam tried, but his words failed.

"When did he um..." Sam tried again, trying to hide the shake he heard in his own voice. McNally was still on the other end of the line, he could hear her breathing.

"Sam?" He could tell that Andy was instantly awake, and instantly panicking. Her breathing hitched for just a second before his name filtered into his ear in a whisper.

"Just answer the damned question" Sam barked into his phone not really meaning to yell at her.

"I...".

"He died didn't he... How long ago Andy?".

Sam heard Andy swallow loudly on the other end of the line. Maybe it was the use of her first name, or maybe it was the fact that he had been right when he suspected that there were gaping holes in his life.

In his memories.

Andy was quiet, she didn't say a word. But he could hear her still breathing on the other end of the line. It was a high-pitched sound like she was having trouble drawing her breath into her lungs.

"Sam..." She tried again, before he heard shuffling around and he instinctively knew that she was about to get up, get dressed and head over here.

"Don't Andy, I just need to know how long..."

"A few months" Andy's answer was so small that Sam hardly heard it.

"I was there?" Sam looked at his hand, and then wiped it across the blanket that covered his legs. He was trying to erase the invisible blood that clung to his flesh. His hands, Jerry's blood.

"Yeah". Andy's affirmation sounded so solemn that Sam instantly regretted calling her.

"Where you?" Sam cleared his throat and waited for an answer that didn't come. Instead her silence told him all he needed to know.

Flashes took over Sam's mind, bits and pieces falling into place as they created more questions.

Sam heard a door close in his ear, Andy was on her way here and it was the last thing he wanted right now.

But he couldn't say it, couldn't tell her not to come. It was weird, but it felt almost like she would make him feel better.

It also made him wonder what else he had forgotten.

"Why didn't you tell me?". His question came out sounding angry, and fierce. But his chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it and he couldn't breathe. He still had the shakes, the recollection of Jerry's death making his body revolt in denial.

"I um, wanted to" Andy said sounding slightly out of breath before he heard her get into a cab and give the hospital's address.

The thought of her in a cab made him fearful, and it wasn't like he had a reason why. He just didn't like the idea of her in a cab.

"Andy, don't come here, go home".

As soon as the words left his mouth he heard how wrong they sounded.

"What?". Andy squeaked into his ear.

"I know you're in a cab, you need to go home"

"Sam..."

"Don't okay, I need to...". Need to what?

"Just don't okay". He added after letting out a frustrated sigh.

"Don't push me a...". Andy started talking, but stopped mid sentence making Sam wonder what she was going to say. Whatever it was, she didn't want him to hear it.

"Just go home". It came out more forceful than the previous times, Sam feeling uncomfortable at the tone he was using.

The cab was still driving, no sounds hinting that it was stopping soon and it made Sam's gut scream. He needed her out of the cab, now.

"Look, I don't want you here okay, so just..."

Sam heard Andy's breath hitch in her throat before she stifled a response.

"Night" filled his ear, barely a whisper before the call cut out and plunged the room into silence.

He took the phone away from his ear and stared at the disconnected sign that danced across the screen, a morbid feeling creeping through him.

It felt wrong to lie to her, because he did want her here, but that was wrong too; she was his rookie.

Over the time that he had been here, and her visits he saw another side to Andy McNally, one that he was just learning about.

He thought he knew her pretty well, her tendency to run into trouble at the front of the list of things he knew about her. That was followed by the fact that he knew she was passionate and funny and caring, but she was mostly just trouble.

Watching her interactions with Sarah he found new pieces of her basking in freedom as they came to light.

Searching long and hard Sam tried to remember the last time he had seen McNally before leaving... If that's what happened.

He found his memory banks full of nights at the Penny and days spent riding in the cruiser. But there was never one single last memory that he could pinpoint as the last time he saw her.

Everything was vague.

And hazy.

He also felt something different about her, like something had changed. Or she had changed. Or maybe he had, maybe it was just his imagination?

But eventually, he was going to figure it out.

But not now, now his mind swerved over to Jerry and the sudden loss he felt where his friend once was.

...

Sam had a restless night.

He kept the urge to call McNally back and check on her, and apologize, at bay, while he tried to cope with the fact that Jerry was gone and never coming back.

He had an early morning shower and the revolting stuff they called coffee while he waited for his doctor to come and release him. He was also waiting for Sarah who would undoubtedly show up soon too. She had promised to be back here this morning because he was being released.

When the doctor arrived Sam gave him a pointed stare before looking him in the eye and asking him a flat out question.

"How much is gone?".

The doctor shifted around uncomfortably before sitting down in the chair next to Sam's bed and lifting his glasses up to the top of his head.

"We don't know".

"But it is gone right? Is it ever coming back?".

"Did you remember something? Something that told you that there was some memory loss?".

"Yeah, I forgot that my best friend died" Sam's reply was so dry and so ragged that the doctor looked away.

"Sammy, I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you, but if you're remembering then that's a good thing".

"You think?".

"Sam look, you sustained severe head trauma and you're lucky that there is no permanent damage. Trading a few memories for motor skills, and cognitive response is a pretty fair deal to me".

"To you yup, me, not so much".

Sam had know the good doctor for more years than he could count, and he respected the man. But seriously, he didn't find his idea of a fair trade at all fair.

"Remember when Sarah was here the last time, and she didn't want to remember how she ended up in the ER?".

Sam nodded briefly, how could he forget her suicide attempt a few years ago?

"She didn't _want _to remember Sammy". The doctor nodded and moved to stand up, Sam feeling like their conversation was over.

Brian was a good guy, a good doctor and Sam had know him since he and Sarah were in their teens when she attempted suicide the very first time.

Sam brought Sarah into the ER and Brian was on call.

He attended to Sarah and made sure that a nurse looked out for Sam who was falling apart at the seams because Sarah was all he had left.

When Sarah was stable Brian sat with Sam and they talked for hours after the sun came up and Brian's replacement had arrived.

Since then Sam and Sarah had been attended to by him on many occasions over the years, Sarah had even made him their regular house doctor until she moved to St Catherines.

That night, when they first met Sam was sure that he would have completely lost it if Brian hadn't been there.

But now, in present time the good doctor was really of little use when it came to figuring out if he would get his life back or not.

After the doctor left Sarah arrived ready to take Sam home. The second she stepped through the doorway, she knew that something was wrong.

Sam was distant and cold, like he used to be. He wasn't the warm happy-go-lucky person that had replaced him recently.

"So...". She opened the conversation up just enough so that he would bite as they made it out into the sunshine and headed for the truck.

"Did you know about Jerry?". Sam's words were harsh again, but he couldn't help it.

Sarah stopped dead in her tracks, his truck keys falling from her hand and hitting the tarmac of the parking lot with a loud clank.

"Um, did you...?".

"Yeah Sarah, I remembered it all on my own. Couldn't you have given me a heads up?".

Sam picked the keys up, but refused to hand them over when she held her hand out.

"And say what? _'Oh hey, you have a bit of memory loss, but your best friend died when you..._"

Sarah jammed her mouth closed and paled when she saw Sam's expression. He didn't remember exactly how and why or what, he just remembered that Jerry had died.

"That I?". Sam edged on.

"N..nothing".

"Sarah!". He didn't yell it, it came out really calm and collected.

"It wasn't your fault".

"Sarah!"

"Jerry followed a hunch when a cop went missing and he got stabbed. You were too late to save him Sam, but you tried".

Sam let out a long breath, one that wavered and bordered on a whistle.

It explained the blood on his hands, and why he was sure that Andy was with him when it happened. He just had a gut feeling about that part.

"You tell Andy you're sprung?" Sarah changed the subject by moving it to someone other than Jerry.

Sam just stared at his sister, like telling his rookie that he was getting out of the hospital was an important thing for him to have done.

"Sam, you're her friend" Sarah said yanking the trucks passenger door open.

Sam huffed in response.

Him, friends with a woman other than maybe Noelle or Zoe? Never.

Not in a million years.

*******Thanks for spending some time here with me! Hope you enjoyed- so let me know & let me know if you're still here?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	12. Can't Keep Up

**Thank you all for the awesome response to this fic! Thank you for the thoughts & comments in your reviews too!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 12 Can't Keep Up. **

One day turned into two, then three, then ten.

Sam had been out of hospital for six weeks and getting stronger everyday.

He worked out at the gym, and went on early morning runs until Brian finally cleared him to return to work. He'd even managed to pick up some of the weight he had lost while flat on his back too, and he had no real physical side effects from the explosion for some miraculous reason.

Those six weeks had been the longest of his life.

He had to maintain regular check-ups and shrink appointments, but now that it was over he was no closer to getting his life back than he had been the day he remembered Jerry's death.

He had spent a fair amount of time with Oliver, and Frank and Sarah who had agreed to go home, and stay there the day he went back on shift.

But for some reason, those shared moments were overshadowed by the fact that he had not seen, or spoken to McNally since the night he had remembered Jerry and blown up at her.

Sarah thankfully, left that part of his life alone and didn't pry but Sam had the idea that McNally had told her why she had severed all ties with him and refrained from reaching out and contacting him.

But he had done the same, not once had he picked up the phone to call her. Okay, that was a lie- he had picked his phone up hundreds of times, he just didn't have the guts to follow through with actually calling her.

Her absence seemed to leave another empty space in his life, but this one was different from losing a piece of his life, or Jerry.

Sarah had left last night with promises of plenty calls and visits after Noelle and Frank came by for dinner and Frank told Sam that he was back on shift today. He just randomly dropped the bombshell over dinner, surprising everyone at the dinner table.

It felt strange having to suddenly wake up one day and return to work.

Sam had aced his physical, and his recertification so he was good to go; except for one tiny snag.

He was apparently a detective.

That was another thing that astounded him, and even though Sarah had told him that no-one would divulge any of his past in order to help him, Frank had to spill the beans on that one.

But Sam wasn't ready to go there yet, wasn't ready to face the unknown still so unsure of himself. So he was back in uniform, making his way to parade as a beat cop until he was ready to tackle wearing a D's badge.

He was warmly greeted and welcomed back, the day starting on a good note until he came around the corner and walked into McNally and her evident new boyfriend as they said a sweet goodbye in the hallway.

For some reason the guy hugging McNally just seemed to scream wrong in Sam's mind. The whole picture was just way off. Not that he really knew what the picture was supposed to look like.

In the last six weeks he had learned about Jerry's death, that Zoe and Oliver had split up and bordered on a divorce but that was ironed out when Oliver landed up in the hospital. Frank and Noelle apparently had a thing, they had a daughter and were on the verge of getting married. Of course McNally would have a boyfriend too in there somewhere.

Sam kept walking, going straight passed McNally and lover-boy until he made it to the break room where he got himself a cup of coffee.

Sam tried to shut thoughts of McNally out of his mind, of course she was allowed to date. She had dumped Callaghan on his ass months ago so why did it just feel wrong?

"Hi".

Sam spun around when a voice said hello catching him off guard.

He smiled over the brim of his coffee cup at the woman who seemed rather familiar.

"Heard you were back today, you look good".

Okay, so they knew each other obviously.

As Sam blinked, an image flashed in front of his eyes, it was the woman in front of him in his shower?

What?

"You okay?" She asked, Sam nodding faintly as he looked down to seek out her namtag.

Cruz.

He had dated her for a while... Maybe? He really had no idea.

Sam felt the need to suddenly run, so he did. He gave her a curtious nod and left the break room as quickly as humanly possible.

Andy knocked on Frank's door and waited for him to wave her in.

When he did, she was second guessing herself and the reason she was here.

"Sir, I can't do this" there, she'd said what she came to say.

He had partnered her with Sam on patrol, and she just didn't feel like she was capable of spending twelve hours in a cruiser with him.

They hadn't seen or spoken to each other since the night he remembered Jerry's death and yelled that he didn't want her there when she was on her way over.

"You don't have a choice McNally". Frank said leaning back in his chair. "Look Sam wants to go back on patrol and I need someone with him to keep an eye on him. You were his partner, there isn't anyone else that can do that".

"But..."

Frank held his hand up, he really wasn't going to let her have her say. "He's fragile right now, and you know him better than anyone else at this division does. It's you, or it's him riding the desk indefinitely".

Crap! He knew she wouldn't let him do that to Sam. It was like trying to take the cop out of Sam. It just wasn't going to happen.

After leaving Frank's office Andy bumped into Nick and nearly fell apart. He gave her a hug before telling her that she had this and leaving her to go find Sam after he passed them on his way wherever he was going.

When she found Sam he looked as happy as he had when Frank partnered them together in parade.

He was coming out of the break room and nearly mowed her over in an attempt to make a hasty retreat. Then he was just gone.

Looking from Sam to the break room Andy saw Marlo step into the hallway, Sam's reaction making sense.

He'd remembered Marlo.

Ditching her own coffee when her stomach dropped, Andy followed in the direction she had seen Sam go in and found him outside waiting for her next to a cruiser.

One look at him and she was sure that he had remembered Marlo. It was written all over his face.

When he saw her drawing nearer he climbed into the cruiser and slammed the door, making Andy wince as she thought about how the next twelve hours of her life were going to be excruciatingly painful.

Two hours and she hadn't said a word.

Didn't even look like she wanted to say anything which was really out of character for her. She usually just kept on rambling about anything and everything.

It was starting to get under his skin now.

Without saying a word Sam pulled over and stopped outside a coffee shop downtown. He hadn't seen McNally come out of the barn with coffee so that was probably the reason she was quiet. And the fact that he had been forced into partnering with her when it was clear that she would rather have another partner.

He sill had to apologize for being so harsh the last night that he had been in the hospital. He owed her at least that much.

He killed the engine and got out not waiting for her, but then again she made no attempt to follow him.

When he came out of the shop he tapped against her window and she rolled it down halfway looking up at him like she was expecting to get her head chewed off by him again.

He held out the coffee towards her through her open window, her hand reaching out to take it as she flashed him a lopsided, shy smile.

It was what he had been waiting for, the small sign that she had forgiven him for loosing his temper and sort of taking it out on her. But that night it hadn't just been about Jerry. It had been about the blank spots in his memories, but mostly it had been about her in a cab in the early morning hours.

Just the thought of it had him terrified.

Sam smiled back when she let her smile widen, he was apologizing and she accepted it.

He'd never been really big with words, but he was certain that she knew him well enough to know that he was saying sorry in his own way.

The mood in he cruiser felt lighter when he climbed back in. McNally seemed less tense and more at ease with being stuck with him.

That was probably a really good thing.

After driving around for a while, Sam stopped at a red light and casually glanced over at her. She looked tired, but seemed more relaxed now. But she was still really quiet.

When she looked at him, she smiled and looked away before looking back at him and blurting out a random thought as it crossed her mind "Can we _not_ make this weird?".

"_We're _not making it weird".

"We are Sam, we're making us weird".

Sam watched a light blush creep up her cheeks as soon as she said 'us', like there was something about that word that she found difficult to use.

But her terming them as an us didn't sound wrong.

"Then don't" Sam said managing a smile before shaking his head and focusing his attention back on the road ahead of them.

He was experiencing another flurry of images at that moment. It was him looking at himself holding up a sign that read 'Dummy' waiting for something or someone. Not that that made any sense. Nothing made sense these days and he was getting used to a range of random images slamming back into his brain.

Small things triggered a memory, a smell or a sound or even the sight of something would make him remember something from his life.

"...later". McNally had had a full conversation with him and he had completely zoned out on her.

"Huh?".

"I asked if you were going to the Penny later?".

"Need a ride?" Sam said automatically, it came out of his mouth on instinct.

"Nope, Oliver sent me a text asking me to ask you because he figured you're driving" McNally waved her phone around in the air to reinforce her question.

"Yup, I'll be there" Sam said before he head McNally typing a response to Oliver.

And of course she didn't need a ride, she probably had one.

Their shift passed easily after that, a little less tension and a little more banter between them.

After his shower at the barn Sam nearly headed for the women's locker room out of habit, but he managed to stop himself in time and left instead. He was just so used to giving McNally a ride that it felt strange not to wait.

Sam was seated at the bar when Oliver sank down into the chair next to him with a heavy sigh.

"Rough day?" Sam asked sliding Oliver his beer.

"Rough girls" Oliver said lifting the bottle up and saluting Sam with it.

"Izzy wants a tattoo" Oliver said after taking a really long sip from his beer.

The word tattoo seemed to spark something in Sam's brain, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. This time it wasn't a memory, or at least not a full one, it was just a random picture of a tattoo that he was sure he knew. But it wasn't his own.

"I said yes" Oliver said before taking another sip as he tried to hide the fact that his little girl wasn't so little anymore.

Sam stayed a while longer after Oliver left, he had only stayed and had two beers before leaving.

After making his way home Sam found himself wondering how things had been with McNally before if she deemed today as weird.

Pushing her from his mind he crawled into bed hoping to get a good nights sleep.

The next morning Sam was up before the sun and took a long run before grabbing a shower and heading to the barn.

He still had too many questions floating around unanswered so he decided to take a risk and pull his file.

Only thing was, when he hit archives his file was missing. Next he tried McNally's, hers was gone too, and so was Jerry's. Frank probably had them locked away in his desk drawer knowing that he would be down here eventually.

Sam found Frank in his office when he went to ask him straight out if he could have a look at his life.

Frank knew it was coming, he had probably guessed by the expression on Sam's face that he found his file missing.

"Just a quick look" Sam said mustering as much ass-kissing as he could into that one sentence.

"Nope, not gonna happen".

"Frank, this is me..."

"That's exactly why I can't let you see them. We were advised by your doctor not to push this, so the files are locked away until further notice".

Sam left Frank's office really frustrated.

He had spent the night reliving things he didn't remember and when he woke up he was done with it.

He was done wondering and done living with dreams and memories that didn't exist. He was just over it all.

*****thanks for reading hope you'll review?**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	13. Getting Lost

**As always a big thank you from sunny South Africa for all the awesome reviews! I really love hearing from all of you!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 for their awesomeness! Hi to all the new names I keep seeing!**

**Chapter 13- Getting Lost. **

Sam was really tense and very removed.

Andy took one look at him walking through the bullpen and felt like crawling into a hole and hiding until shift was over because it looked like it was going to be a really long day if Sam looked that annoyed and shift hadn't even started yet.

There was no doubt that they'd be partnered together again today, and right now she was freaking out.

By the time they got into the cruiser Andy was ready to stay quiet if Sam's face up-close was anything to go by.

While he had been in the hospital he had seemed to lose some of his edge, some of that raw discipline and control that made him so fierce.

Right now, she was looking at a version of Sam that she hadn't seen since she left for Dakota, and honestly- it looked pretty scary from where she was standing.

Ten minutes into patrol Sam suddenly pulled over to the side of the road and got out from behind the steering wheel, Andy's eyes following him as he walked around the front of the cruiser and stopped at her door.

He pulled on the handle and opened her door, before standing there looking at her like he was about to do something that he thought he might regret.

"Drive" Sam said backing away from her door so that she could get out.

She slid in behind the steering wheel quietly, avoiding saying a single word even though she was struggling to hold her muzzle in place.

Sam left the cruiser idling when he got out so Andy was ready to shift it into gear and pull away but she just couldn't. She shifted the gears into drive before snapping it back into park and turning to face Sam.

"Everything okay?".

Sam let out a really long breath, he had to if he didn't want to take his frustrations out on his Rookie again.

"Fine".

He didn't even look at her when answering, just kept his jaw heavy set and stared out the windscreen as the world passed them by.

What he was not expecting was for McNally to suddenly let out a really ridiculous giggle.

His face turned to her, her hand covering her mouth as she tried to bite back her laughter but failed. "I'm sorry" she sputtered out when he glared at her, a growl escaping him involuntarily.

"You stole my _'fine' _line" she said still finding the moment amusing.

She totally just lost herself in the joke at his expense and even though he shouldn't, Sam felt his lips quirk up at the corners.

McNally had this irritating way of saying that she was fine, and that everything was fine if he asked her if everything was okay. Even when it wasn't, she would say it was 'fine'.

He absolutely hated it when she said it, and would under no circumstances use the word fine because of her passive nature to lie when using it.

And he knew she lied at times, and used fine to hide behind.

And here he was doing the exact same thing.

"Guess I'm rubbing off on you" She giggled out, Sam's lips curving up a fraction more.

"Okay, let's go get some bad guys" Sam said nodding towards the window.

Andy put the cruiser into drive again and this time pulled out into traffic.

After that, shift passed quickly, they were busy but the calls were mediocre. An accident on Marlbro Drive, an attempted robbery at a store with no suspects and that was it.

Another boring day at the office.

Sam left McNally to drive, his mind wasn't in a good place although his momentary anger had subsided the second she burst into a fit of giggles.

But she'd always had a calming effect on him.

That was something he knew, it wasn't just something he sensed like most things he knew so far.

After lunch they were aimlessly driving around when a call came in for a domestic close by, so they took it although Sam's gut was telling him to let it go.

They arrived at the apartment block and heard the noise before they even went into the building, the sounds already warning them that things were heated and turning violent.

They followed the yelling up to the second floor, Sam staying in front of McNally because he wanted her safe in case the disturbance suddenly moved out into the hallways.

The door to the apartment was open so Sam walked in, his eyes sweeping through the room as he yelled out the standard "Police" by way of identifying their intrusion into someone's home.

Sam followed the gentile crying of a woman to the left and found a woman or rather girl barely out of her teens huddled on the floor with her face sporting some new bruises.

Looking up Sam noticed that McNally wasn't in his line of vision and he felt like he was ready to strangle her because she moved off on her own.

"You okay?" Sam asked the girl while he bent down and assessed her after returning his gun to his holster.

A loud shuffling sounded through the air seconds later making Sam regret not going looking for McNally the second he couldn't see her anymore.

Sam told the girl to sit tight and stood up, his hand reaching for his gun while his feet carried him into the adjacent room.

A guy twice McNally's size had her pinned to the floor, her gun laying a few feet away as she struggled to get the guy off of her.

Sam couldn't hear McNally yelling or screaming or making any other sound other than the choking sound as she was being strangled.

And then he froze.

He tried to focus on McNally in trouble right now but he couldn't, the sound of her gasps triggering something so intense that Sam completely shut down.

He was looking at Jamie Brennan when he heard his own voice _'Where's Candice?'. _

Shaking his head, Sam tried to shake himself back to reality, but couldn't. He was lost in the images. Brennan's sick smile and his less than satisfying answer of _'she's fine'_ all that seemed to take hold of his attention now.

The seconds after that sped by, Sam remembering the torture and the hammer. The waterboarding and the interrogation.

It was like he was watching the events take place as a bystander, a fly on the wall.

Sudden movement caught his eye, Sam effectively snapping back to the present when he was shoved to the side and boots stomped into the room.

Sam watched as McNally's boyfriend yanked the guy on top of her off while Oliver gave him a hand and they slammed the guy face first into the floor.

Frank's god-daughter was bent down next to McNally who was trying to sit up still gasping like she was struggling to catch her breath.

"Sam!". Oliver's voice drew through to Sam, his name slithering out of his friends mouth on a strung-out tone.

Sam let his gaze sweep from McNally and Price to Oliver and then it settled on McNally's boyfriend who now yanked the cuffed suspect up to his feet giving Sam a hardened stare, one so cold that it was enough to make Sam shudder.

Sam dropped his gun, and slid it into his holster. His eyes moving away from the scene in front of him as Price loosened McNally's vest's velcro straps and helped her out of it as he looked at the floor.

The suspect was led out of the room, Oliver coming to stand in front of Sam wearing a really worried expression. "You okay Brother?".

"Um" was all Sam could say.

His mind was still blazing from the memory that had raged through it, his knee and wrist twitching as his lungs burned in memory of what he had endured. But it left more unanswered questions- who the hell is Candice?

"Let's take a walk" Oliver said after casting a look over his shoulder to see the sad, horrified look McNally was wearing as she looked at Sam and then looked away.

Sam was staring at her too, only his eyes were void, a vacant gaze looking but not seeing.

"Yeah" Sam huffed out and followed Oliver outside.

"I'm okay" Andy said as Chloe tried to help her stand up. She wasn't ungrateful for the rookie trying to help her, she just needed some space.

"You don't look too good" Chloe said latching on to Andy's arm as her legs swayed after standing up quicker than she should have. She was completely out of breath, the guy had been strangling her to the point where she was so close to blacking out that she literally saw silver stars dancing across her vision.

"I'm fine" Andy shook her arm loose, she needed to find fresh air, she was starting to feel a little claustrophobic with the additional bodies sweeping into the small apartment.

She gave Chloe a small smile and headed for the door, her knees still feeling like they were made of jelly.

When she hit the fresh air, Andy inhaled a long, slow breath as she found a quiet corner to stand it by herself. She just needed a minute or two.

"You okay?" Andy looked up to find Nick closer. Trust him to leave the moron that tried to strangle her in the back of the cruiser to check on her first. "And don't say you're fine" Nick said as he reached out and pulled the collar of her shirt away to take a closer look at the bruising that had formed on her neck and under her chin.

Man it was going to turn nasty when it went purple.

"I am Nick, I swear".

"I want you to change partners Andy" Nick said after blowing out a whistle when he saw the marks on her neck.

"No, okay I'm fine".

"Andy..."

"Nick, don't go there okay, I know that you don't like Sam because of what he did, but it's my decision and I'm not changing partners" Andy's answer came out firm and sure.

Sam let Oliver give him a pep talk even though he wasn't really listening after he saw McNally come out of the building and take a minute on her own just around the corner. He was paying even less attention to Oliver when he saw McNally's boyfriend approach her.

He nodded towards them so Oliver stopped talking, Sam needed to thank the guy for backing McNally up when he failed and it could have ended a lot worse than how it had.

Sam was just within earshot when he heard the guy say that he wanted McNally to get a new partner, and it seemed to fit everything that he was thinking right now.

He felt unreliable, and definitely not responsible enough to have a rookie on the streets with him when he was failing to maintain a grasp on reality.

Sam walked away, leaving McNally and her boyfriend alone before he heard her answer. He needed to get out of here and go see Frank.

Stopping next to Oliver Sam mumbled "Make sure she gets back the barn" before stalking away and leaving in Oliver's cruiser after holding out his hand and waiting for the keys. McNally still had their cruisers keys, so he was not about to intrude and ask her for them so that he could leave.

Frank wasn't in his office when Sam handed the cruiser keys back in and signed himself out, so he headed over to the locker room and took a shower hoping that Frank would be there when he got out.

But by now, he should have guessed that life wasn't planning on going the way he wanted it too. He found McNally hanging around his locker silently when he came around the corner.

"Hi". She suddenly looked really uncomfortable as she turned bright red and held her hand up in a little wave.

"Hey". Sam guessed that he should be used to finding her in here like she was now, he knew that she had pulled the same stunt a few times before.

"You okay?" She added trying to keep her eyes trailed on his face, but she was struggling. She let them drop before pulling them up again. It was probably due to the fact that he was shirtless and only clad in a towel, but somehow he didn't feel like this was the first time she had caught him in a state of undress.

"I should be asking you that" Sam said looking down. The ugly red welts on her neck were enough to make him feel really angry all over again.

"I'm okay Sam" Andy said taking a very small, very hesitant step towards Sam when he faced his locker and opened the door.

She could tell that he was having a tough time with himself right now, but she didn't blame him for what happened. She saw what was going on, now he just needed to know that.

"W..what did you remember?".

Her question grabbed his attention, his head snapping up to the side to seek her out.

"Nothing"

"Sam" she sort of growled his name out.

"Nothing okay" Sam said focusing back on whatever had captured his attention inside his locker.

"But you did remember..."

"Do you mind?" Sam twirled his finger around in the air, McNally's back turning to face him. He really wanted to get dressed and get out of here.

Sam huffed out a breath, she knew that he had remembered something and that he hadn't reacted to the memory very well.

"You know we were partnered together for a while right?" Andy suddenly blurted out while Sam tugged clothes on.

"Yup".

"So you know that I know you Sam, and you wouldn't freeze up like that if it was nothing".

Sudden silence sagged down around them, whatever Sam had been doing, he'd stopped when she said that, but she had said it, and there was no taking it back. She had said it, even though she knew that when it came out she would be walking in dangerous territory.

Sam stared at the back of McNally as she pleasantly reminded him that she obviously knew him pretty well, but the worst was the fact that she had verbalized the words that reminded him that he froze and she came so close to getting more than a little hurt.

Without warning Sam's hand slammed into the locker next to his, Andy jumping and spinning around to face him.

"I can't do this" Sam said, his attention focused on ramming his wet towel into his locker before he closed the door and walked straight passed McNally without acknowledging her on his way out the door.

Sam was halfway out the front door when Frank's voice called him to a dead stop. "McNally, Swarek, my office now".

Sam huffed out a sigh and let his head hang a little before retracing his steps and swerving towards Frank's office, McNally meeting him at the stairs. He let her ascend first, following in her footsteps and closing the door behind them once they were inside.

"Do one of you want to clue me in on what the hell is going on? And what happened at the scene?" Frank's voice bellowed out, his anger evident.

"I..."

"I wasn't paying attention Sir" McNally said at the same time Sam managed to get 'I' out.

"I didn't wait for Sa... Swarek to clear the rooms with me, and I got stuck in a bad situation".

"You sure that's what happened McNally?" Frank was calling her bluff, while Sam's voice failed him. He was stunned speechless that she actually blamed herself for what happened and that she was taking the wrap.

"Yes Sir". McNally replied, Frank's eyes moving over to Sam. Frank believed what she had just said, because she did so she stated it without any signs of lying, because she couldn't lie. And they all knew it.

"Okay, now get out of my office" Frank suddenly barked at McNally making both her and Sam flinch. But she left, without saying a word or even looking in Sam's direction.

When she closed the door behind her, Frank's attention focused on Sam intensely. "Is that what happened, or her version of what happened?" Frank's arms crossed over his chest.

"Both".

"Sam, what happened in there?".

"I froze". Sam sounded strange to his own ears, his voice slightly weak as it came out. "I want her pulled".

"You froze?". Frank's anger seeped away, his tone now carrying worry instead.

"I had this kind of flashback, and everything focused on that".

"You lost focus?".

"Frank, I nearly lost my rookie".

Frank's face softened at Sam calling McNally _'his rookie'_. He was wearing the strangest expression, almost like he knew something Sam didn't.

"Okay, I'll get you a weekly appointment with the department shrink, and McNally stays".

"Frank..."

"Look I know that this is hard Sam, but she knows you, knows your moves and I need someone like that with you. She stays".

"And next time?". Sam's mouth went dry saying that, what would happen next time when he zoned out and backup wasn't right outside the door?

"It won't happen again. She trusts you, she just covered your ass and if she's willing to do that, she stays. Go home take the day" Sam raised an eyebrow at Frank missing the fact that he planned on doing just that anyway.

When Sam left Frank's office, he was ready to crawl into a hole and stay there until the turn of the century.

"Sam?" He had made it to three feet away from his truck when her voice stopped him yet again.

She just didn't know when to quit.

Sam turned around to see her, his face holding it's shadows cast in stone.

"I don't want another partner".

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	14. Paying

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**Chapter 14- Paying Respects. **

Sam was left gawking at her, her knack of knowing him better than he knew himself still surprising him at every turn.

"McNally..."

"No Sam, I know you and I know you're going to have me bumped...".

Sam's hands found themselves rammed into his pockets as he payed great attention to the tarmac.

Had he bumped her before?

"I don't know what I'm doing here okay, I don't know if I can do this...".

Andy's mouth fell open, but she recovered quickly and slammed it shut. Sam was totally unguarded, and totally honest with her now in this moment, something she had only really ever experienced a few times in the past.

"You can do this, you're tougher than you think". Andy tried to make it sound like she really believed that he could, even though it might take some time before he got there.

Sam snorted in response. "You make it sound so easy, but I nearly got you killed today Andy, I don't want that to happen again because I'm not in control".

"Sam, you can't always be in control of everything, sometimes things aren't meant to be controlled". She felt herself blush slightly at him using her first name. Since the accident she had been McNally, only twice had she been Andy now.

Andy bit back a small smile, the old Sam was making an appearance and he didn't even know it. Sam the in control kind of guy was still there, deep down somewhere.

"So what was it that..." Andy repeated her question from earlier in the locker room. The one that he had labeled as nothing.

Sam looked really uncomfortable.

"Andy... Look, it's nothing".

"Sam!".

"Okay, I remembered working Brennan, and what happened okay".

Andy felt a cold chin run through her, it didn't take much to know what parts of working Brennan Sam had remembered. Besides his expression, Sam unconsciously flexed his wrist, the one that Brennan had so callously broken.

"Who's Candice?" Sam blurted, Andy's face paling at the name.

"Candice?". She echoed.

"Yup, Candice. I remember asking Brennan where she was".

"Probably just someone you met while under?". She wasn't lying, Sam had me _'Candice' _while under, and she wasn't breaking the rules by telling him anything. He had remembered Candice on his own, and she was guessing.

"Maybe, Frank hid my file...".

His comment made her let out a light giggle, she had obviously been wondering about that and had figured that he would go looking for it.

"So, need a ride?". Since they were both excused from shift, Sam might as well take her where she wanted to go. She was out of uniform too, so that meant that Frank relieved her from shift.

"Um, okay?". Andy tried to hide her feelings at how strange it felt to have him ask her that.

"Where to? Penny? Home?".

"The Penny? This time of the day?". McNally asked when he opened her door for her, like the gentleman he was.

Wait, he was a gentleman right?

"Yeah, cocktails in the afternoon".

Sam closed the door hoping that she said okay. He had no idea where she lived although he probably should know that. He just couldn't remember.

"Okay, Penny it is" she said smiling widely.

Twenty minutes later, they were halfway through their first cocktails, Sam had kept to his word and ordered them each something he thought they would like. McNally was drinking hers, so it couldn't be too vulgar.

But she was still distant and quiet, like she had a lot running through her mind.

Sam arched an eyebrow and looked her way knowing that she would give in to the invitation to talk.

"What's it like?". She whispered the words so softly. Like she was scared of the answer she'd get.

"It's funny" Sam said letting out a little chuckle.

"This morning Epstein comes up to me and says _'Hey Swarek, I don't know if you remember me'_ so I say, _'Sure I do, you're Traci Peck'_. His face was priceless".

McNally let out a really loud laugh and clamped her hand over her mouth like she wanted to hide it. At least he had: had the sense to wait for her to swallow before saying that. "You didn't!" She gasped out between her breathless giggle.

Watching Sam nod and smile to confirm that he indeed had, Andy was lost in the wonder of how free this version of Sam was.

Sure he still had his baggage, and the stress of what his life had become, but he was so different- in a good way.

None of their passed tainted their present, and it was almost like he actually looked at her and saw her for the very first time.

"It's hard most days, and you never know what to say so you don't say it. In case it's the wrong thing". Sam shrugged.

Andy was speechless. Sam was actually being open, and she didn't have to put up a fight to get him to do it, he was volunteering it to her.

"But, it's coming back?". Andy tried to hide behind the brim of her glass, but the object in her hand was see through in any case, and way too small.

"But it's not enough".

"For now Sam, it'll come back" Andy instinctively reached out and put her hand on Sam's arm, but she pulled it away after barely touching him.

Sam tilted his head to the side slightly when her hand retracted, it was as though he was questioning the reason she took her hand away, or the reason she nearly went there in the first place.

"Am I missing something here?" He asked unfiltered waving his hand loosely in the air between them.

His dreams were running freshly through his mind the second he felt the spark that shot out of McNally's hand and up his arm. If he wasn't mistaken, the woman in his dreams could easily be her, but what were the chances of that right?

"Um, missing?". McNally looked nervous when he asked the question. She almost looked like she was about to lie.

"Have we ever...?".

Sam scrutinized McNally's face as her mouth opened only to be closed again when her phone went off.

"Hi" she mumbled into it the second she had it out.

"He's good".

Sam was guessing that it was Sarah on the other end of the call, he knew that she made regular calls to McNally to check on him or just to talk.

"Nope". McNally said, blushing. She was having a one sided conversation about him obviously.

Turning away from McNally, Sam lifted his glass and took a sip, scolding himself for even considering her as the woman his mind had most likely conjured up.

McNally was sweet, and passionate and honest, and caring and he wasn't any of those things. She was soft, while he was made of chiseled concrete on the inside, his cold far from her inner warmth.

They were total opposites, and she was way out of his class, miles out of his league anyway, so there was just no way...

Besides, she's his rookie.

"I'm not your rookie anymore Sam, I got cut loose".

Ouch!

That had not been muttered in his head, had it?

Peering at her, he could tell that she hadn't heard most of it, or she wouldn't be wearing the slight trace of the friendly face that she was.

Sam's eyes drifted a little lower, the red and purple marks on her neck suddenly screaming at him, and making another surge of anger race through him.

It was like the time that she was...

Like when she...

Damnit, every single scenario that could be used in comparison had completely evaporated.

Just as a vague image pulled into his minds eye, Sam forced it back out and willed his mind to go blank. He was done with having these little flashes of a life that he didn't remember, and a woman he couldn't seem to forget.

He was done and over it, so he willed the memories away.

...

"I don't know".

"Come on Detective Swarek, there must be at least one small thing you remember? Even if it seems insignificant".

Dr Dwyer refused to believe that for the last three weeks Sam had not remembered one single thing. Not since the day that McNally was strangled had he allowed a memory to surface.

Every single time that one threatened to come to light he literally forced it out of his mind and shut it down before it even got started.

It was most likely really unhealthy, but after that day he refused to let it jeopardize either of them on the job.

"Nope" Sam said looking Dr Dwyer in the eye while swirling his coffee around.

He was still keeping his weekly appointments with her as Frank had instructed, but it was more out of humoring his friend than his need to get his life back.

"So, when is Sarah's birthday?"

"June Eighteenth".

That was the Doctor's forte- collect information from Frank and quiz Sam on it each time he came by. But her questions were all things that he knew, they pre-dated the accident by miles.

"Look Detective, I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped here. I can't magically make everything come back. I had hoped for a gradual ease into it, but you are unwilling to get past the first step".

Right, time to go. Sam stood up off the arm of the chair, every intention of walking out the door and never coming back when one last question stopped him "Do you blame yourself for Detective Barber's death?".

Sam froze with his hand stretched out towards the door handle.

Did he?

Did he blame someone else?

Sam looked down at his hands, the faked images of blood staining his skin had long since stopped haunting him, but he still didn't remember anything about that day.

"I have no idea" Sam said without looking away from the door before he simply opened it, stepped through and closed it behind himself.

The drive to the cemetery was short, everything this side of town was relatively close together.

Since he had remembered Jerry's death, he had never worked up the courage to actually pay Jerry a visit.

Somehow he felt like Jerry would know that he had been forgotten.

Treading lightly over the grass, Sam followed his gut on where to go because surely he had been here the day of Jerry's funeral, and again after that to pay his respects.

When his feet stopped walking, Sam looked up to find a tombstone marked with Jerry's name, his heart picking up speed until it physically hurt.

"He's missed you" a voice said startling Sam slightly. He should have guessed that Nash would be here with time off.

Sam nodded as she stepped abreast of him, both of them looking at a stone carved with a name that was a part of their lives.

"You really doing okay?" Nash asked, Sam looking to the side to see her.

He merely nodded.

"You doing okay?".

Nash nodded back, but held on to her words.

"It's still so hard". Her voice was riddled with longing when it finally became audible.

"But you don't need anything?".

Sam had an unbelievable urge to know that she was okay, that she was coping and didn't need money, or to talk or any kind of help.

"I can't have what I need Sam".

That there was probably the most heartbreaking thing he had ever heard.

"I just feel like I'm going to wake up, and this has all been a nightmare"

Sam snorted, he knew that feeling all too well.

"It'll get better Sam". This time Nash was smiling widely at him as she finally looked his way.

Nash faced Jerry's tombstone again, a solemness sweeping over Sam. It had been a while since he had felt this way.

These days he was cold and callous, trying to keep everything and everyone at a distance. He was also trying to suppress the onslaught of his memories that threatened to turn his life destructive.

"Do you know anyone by the name of Candice?" Sam suddenly asked without really knowing why. He'd had plenty of opportunities to ask Nash that same question, but before now he'd always chickened out.

Sam faced her, and saw how hard she swallowed, she knew Candice alright.

"Yeah, she sells insurance?". Nash let out a whimsical sound as she looked Sam's way, her own private joke staying just that- private.

"Okay, so where do I know Candice from?"

"Um, I can't tell you that Sam".

But she wanted too, she really wanted to share the secret, it was written all over her face as her eyes twinkled and her smile flared.

"But it's a good thing, I promise, or it was when she was Candice". Nash gulped when she closed her mouth, Sam getting the idea that she hadn't meant to say what she had.

And that only left him with more questions, what was 'when she was Candice' supposed to mean?

"No more Swarek!" Nash teased before she blew a kiss at Jerry's tombstone and swept across the grass as silently as she had approached.

Sam glanced over his shoulder as he watched her walk away, she really was one of a kind.

His memories of her were pretty limited too, everything around the blank spot concerning anyone had been wiped away, and sadly it included Nash as well as how Jerry might have been with her. But Sam suspected that Jerry had been really happy, after all he was going to marry her.

Sam turned back to Jerry's grave and let out a light chuckle. "You wanted me to remember that didn't you" he stated at the stone in front of him.

It was as though Jerry needed him to know that he planned on marrying Nash so that Sam would be reminded to look out for her.

That thought was meant to stream into his mind right now, here.

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	15. Closer

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**See you at the bottom...**

**Chapter 15- Closer. **

Life was good, in fact it was great at the moment.

It had been eleven weeks since the accident, and Sam was no closer to discovering the real him, or who the hell Candice was or wasn't, or was when she wasn't Candice, or whatever. But life was still good.

Letting out a sigh Sam changed his brains gears to pay attention to Oliver as he rambled on about Izzy while she had been growing up.

Today was her eighteenth birthday and Oliver was doing the whole family bbq thing, extended family included, meaning Fifteen division.

It was nice, a change of scenery for Sam but he was having one of those days where he wished he had rather stayed in bed the whole day and caught up on sleep.

But, he couldn't say no when the invitation was extended, even if it felt like he was at work because all the faces from there were here. Oliver's excuse had been that he needed backup to police the twenty odd friends that Izzy had invited, but Sam knew it was a lie, Oliver was just a proud dad sharing his daughters birthday with everyone close to him.

Oliver had been beaming when he opened the door, his first words were "I said yes, so she doesn't want the tattoo anymore" before he handed Sam a beer in celebration of his daughter turning his tattoo approval down.

Things were in full swing by the time the sun set, Sam feeling a little better now that he had a few beers. He wasn't as tense as he had been earlier, but watching Oliver with Zoe and his kids made him feel like his life was seriously empty.

He wanted that too, he just had no idea how to get to that point in his life.

"You're staring" McNally said in his ear as her gaze followed his to where Oliver was standing with Zoe and a seriously happy Izzy after they had just handed over her birthday present- a car.

It had been Sam's idea even though Oliver had been dead set against it. But he gave in when Zoe agreed, and Sam gave Oliver enough to help out with getting it; he never really had much to spend money on anyway.

"Am not" Sam said lifting his beer bottle up for a sip.

Andy let out a "mmph", she so saw through the fact that he said he wasn't.

They had been getting on well lately, she was staying out of trouble and that made Sam more than incredibly thrilled. And spared him from getting more grey hairs. But he had yet to figure her out. There was just something there and he couldn't figure that out either. It was as though the obvious was staring him in the face and he kept overlooking it.

Turning to the side Sam looked down at her, she really had become a good cop in the time that he was missing. She was more confident and more assured than he could remember her being. In fact, she as a person had changed drastically too. She was a little tougher, a little less gullible, and way more street-wise than she had been.

"You were" she whispered when she looked up, a challenge for him to deny it when she had caught him doing it. She had that look on her face again, the one that he knew was hard for her to keep covered up. She seemed to be wearing it almost permanently these days.

As Sam opened his mouth to say something in response, his phone rang so his clever comeback died on his lips.

Sam answered the call not really in the mood, but it could be work related so he had too. After all, Callaghan never called him, ever.

"You busy?" Callaghan asked as soon as Sam said hello.

"Yup" Sam grumbled, he could just not like the guy.

"I kinda need you right now, so can you maybe..."

"No" Sam said not missing Andy's face creasing.

"Look Swarek, I have a huge buy going down in three hours, and my guy pulled out because his wife is in labor".

"So, what does that have to do with me?"

"I need you to go in".

"No way, not happening" Sam walked away from Andy, he really didn't want to have words with Callaghan in front of her.

But she followed across the lawn, her undeniable need to know what was happening making her feet move.

"You're the only one I have" Callaghan mumbled. It was really taking a lot out of him to ask Sam this.

"No, I won't do it".

"If this has anything to do with the memory..."

"It doesn't" Sam cut him off. "I just can't okay".

"It's just a buy, in and out. Take someone with you if you have too".

"Anyone?"Sam asked eying McNally who seemed really interested now.

"You busy right now?" Sam asked her tilting the phone away from his mouth a little.

"Well, yeah" she said looking around Oliver's back yard.

"Can we maybe do something?" Sam had no idea why the idea of her going with him to do Callaghan's buy made him feel like he could do it.

"Now?" Andy giggled out at Sam's expression. He looked like he was struggling to get his words out, so he just nodded marginally.

"Okay" Andy said having no idea what she was getting herself into, but she trusted Sam.

"Okay, see you at the barn in twenty" Callaghan had heard Andy's answer so he hung up.

"Sure you want to do this?" Sam asked one last time to give her an out.

"Yeah, sure. Um, what's this exactly?".

Sam let out a chuckle at Andy's blush. She knew that it was most likely work related, and she had no worries about anything work related obviously.

"I'm not sure, let's go find out" Sam said nodding towards his truck not really caring that Oliver and McNally's boyfriend were both staring at them as they moved towards the gate that would lead them outside into the street.

Sam took three steps then stopped, "Need to tell you're boyfriend you're leaving?". He just didn't want her to get into trouble because she left with him and didn't tell anyone where they were going or why they were leaving.

"Who?" McNally asked looking really confused.

Sam nodded towards Collins and McNally just laughed. One of those really from deep down in your gut kind of laughs. "Sam, he's not my boyfriend, and he doesn't hold my hand".

Okay, he didn't know that. He really thought... Okay it didn't matter what he thought, they had somewhere to be.

...

"Why am I doing this again?" Andy said sliding out of the passenger seat of a stolen Honda.

Luke pulled it from the impound especially for this trip, just so that they could stay mysterious when this was over. The stolen Honda had just been picked up, so it wasn't in the system yet, it was still marked as stolen so it wouldn't be traced back to them.

"Because you love this" Sam said as he walked around the car and held out his hand.

McNally took it, her skin so much softer than he would have imagined. Way softer... Sam scolded himself for losing his hard edge when he really needed to hang onto it. Now wasn't the time to think about how nice it was holding her hand!

Walking across the street Sam paid attention to their surroundings even though his mind was focused on McNally pretty much too. It was like he was able to split himself in two parts, one devoted to her, the other to the world around them. Had it always been like this with them?

This easy?

"I'm Harry" Sam said as they reached the door and the bouncer held out his hand to stop Sam from going in without getting searched.

He was doing what Callaghan had told him to do, he just hoped that it got them in the door. Callaghan's guy had called his marker and told him that he was sending 'Harry' down because he had somewhere else to be. The mark wasn't all that thrilled, but he had accepted.

Ten minutes later, after being escorted inside and shown to an office they waited while the bouncer went in search of whoever they were supposed to meet.

Andy perched on the end of the desk waiting while she tried to keep her nerves calm. Neither of they were wired or carrying a gun, so they were in here alone, only dependent on the other.

When the door opened, Andy let her gaze sweep over subtly trying not to draw attention to herself. She was aiming for the mindless type of person here, so paying attention just didn't feel right. Sam came and stood next to her, his hand holding onto the edge of the desk while he tried to act all calm and collected.

When their mark walked in and closed the door, Sam walked over to him and gave him a cold look "I'm Harry".

The guy paid him little attention, instead his attention was focused on Andy who was trying her damnedest to look incredibly bored as she averted eye contact with the creep that was trying to picture what kind of underwear she had on.

"Let me guess, Sally?" He deadpanned still watching her. Sam materialized at her side, his protective aura flooding the room.

"Candice" she replied smirking just a fraction. Sam's mood changed when Andy said that, she could feel the air between them shift. Looking up Andy saw Sam as he did a double take at her before he took a step closer, leaned against the table and let his attention move to the mark.

"Is this going to take long?" Sam said, his annoyance clearly spelled out.

Andy reached out, her hand spraying across Sam's back in a bid to try and calm his rising temper just a little- if she could.

Andy's hand ran down Sam's back from his shoulder to his waist, her fingertips feeling the puckered skin of two scars on the way down.

She tried not to wince, but when she felt the scars reality set in and reminded her exactly how Sam had gotten them. That included all the history before that moment too.

Fifteen minutes later they left the club, Sam holding the bag that now contained a wad of counterfeit cash, some cocaine and a few bags of E, and the real cash. His other hand was holding Andy's, really holding her hand, like tightly. His fingers squeezed around her flesh as he dragged her to their cover car practically at a run.

When his mood shifted inside, it hovered there and it never wavered, or returned to the lighter version of him. She had no idea if it was because of Candice, or the creep that they made the deal with.

Sam suddenly let go of her hand, opened the car trunk dropped the bag in and slammed the door closed. Next he got in, started the engine and waited for Andy to get in, his gaze never coming close to even looking at her.

Andy got in, as quiet as a mouse, her lips rolled together as she briefly looked his way, huffed out a sigh and then looked out her passenger window.

Sam hit the lights and pulled away from the curb, his foot a little heavier on the gas peddle than he intended but he was so mad right now.

She was Candice? That was how she decided to tell him?

If she was hiding that, then what else was she hiding?

"Sam..."

He didn't even respond to his own name, just kept focused on the road ahead of them until he just couldn't focus anymore.

Sam felt the familiar warmth run through him as a sudden hot burn started in his chest.

Slamming on the breaks Sam pulled over, nearly ramming into another car, but he needed fresh air right now and the interior of the car was just too cramped and crowded to provide that.

Sam flung his door open and climbed out before walking to the back of the car where he would be in Andy's blind spot.

And then he just stood there.

Stood there and welcomed the images as they taunted and terrified him.

Andy was out her own door within seconds following Sam around the back of the car although it looked like he didn't notice her presence because he was lost in his own world.

She stood by and watched Sam for a solid two minutes before it became too much to see and she tried to break the spell by calling his name. Several attempts were futile, so by the seventh she reached out and touched him, Sam flinching and stepping back the second her hand made contact.

In the two minutes that she stood watching him, it was the first time that she had seen him just stop functioning and completely shut down. Ever. Last time- hadn't been this bad, he didn't even look like he was breathing.

Sam wiped the fuzzy haze dancing in front of his mind away and tried to focus on the present.

He had seen an array of images, most of them taunting him.

He came out of a building beaten and Andy was standing there looking like she wanted to cry. Then it was bright and sunny and she asked him if he wanted anything before she bounded out of his truck and mingled in a cue of kids at an ice-cream truck. 'Pistachio.

Then Sam saw Jerry on the floor, he heard his voice saying 'hang in there Buddy' and then the image faded to Nash at what he assumed was the hospital.

Then there was the worst image, the one where he stood looking at Andy attired in her dress blues across Jerry's grave before he walked away.

The expression on her face was truly one he didn't have words to describe. She looked so broken standing there in his minds eye.

Then the images were gone and she was looking up at him now, in the present, and he just had no idea what to say or even how to react.

"Sam?" McNally couldn't seem to say more than that when his eyes focused on her and she saw that he was back with her on the pavement in the dark.

"Don't" Sam mumbled sounding like he was straining to keep himself from losing it. His head tilted to the side, a silent dare for her to explain the 'Candice' situation if she had the guts to.

"I only said that so you would stop looking for her"

"So that I would stop looking for her?" Sam echoed and glanced down the street. How did she even know he'd been looking for Candice?

"Yes Sam, I'm Candice but I couldn't tell you that, so I told him. It's not my fault you overheard" McNally's voice had a sassy tune ring through it. "So, now you know" suddenly her whole demeanor changed and she looked nervous.

"I haven't..." Sam tried to plead his innocence about trying to track Candice down, but the second his words were out his rook... Partner raised an eyebrow at him in a humorous manor.

He had to remember that she wasn't his rookie anymore, she was his partner and she had been cut loose.

Sam just looked back down the road at that point, he'd probably left his search screen on his computer open when pulling all 'Candice' files that he could find in the system.

"How exactly does that work?" Sam said turning back to her.

"Um, can't tell you?"

Oh that's just great. She tells him that she's the woman that has been in his brain since he first woke up and he's not allowed to know how that happened?

Damn Brian! How can a doctor decide that having your memories forced to surface would scar you unimaginably?

"I would if I could, I would tell you but I can't I'm sorry Sam. I'm just trying to make this as easy for you as I can without breaking anymore rules".

Anymore rules? Had she broken any rules to start with? That really wasn't her style.

"So you're Candice?" Sam said stating the fact again as though verbalizing it would change the scenario.

McNally just nodded.

Sam couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to the story, more than she was admitting too.

Before he'd asked if there was more going on than he was reading and she said no, but Sam was dead sure that she had lied.

"Have we ever...had a thing?" Sam felt his hand move up to scratch the back of his head when he asked her that. He felt like he was in college asking his date if he'd behaved himself last night or not.

McNally's face fell just for a second before she pushed all emotion away and her face was just blank.

"A..a thing?". She cleared her throat almost immediately trying to cover up her giveaway tone.

"Yeah, a thing" Sam said watching her really closely.

But, she never gave a single thing away.

A memory rushed to mind, one that was always lingering on the surface. It wasn't one that had been buried like the others that surfaced with vengeance, nope this one was one that he'd simply forgotten about not one that was wiped from his memory.

This one made Sam look up at the sky before looking back at McNally and saying "Besides the blackout?".

Even in the dim light cast over her from the streetlight a few feet away Sam could see her blush furiously.

"I um, I didn't forget about that one" Sam added just to clear up that it was a lingering memory.

"Sam, we cleared that up" her words were rushed, but they were hesitant too.

"We did?".

"Yup, that was..."

Sam recalled the images to mind of the night of the blackout, the images were very different from the flashes that he would get. Or the dreams he had.

"You're lying" Sam cut the crap and just called her out on it. The beating around the bush wasn't getting them anywhere.

McNally just stared at him, a strange look flooding her eyes before she just let one simple sentence tumble out.

"Nothing happened then Sam".

******Thanks for reading!**

**I think Sam may be on to something, or maybe not... Maybe he's just in denial or confusing Candice & Andy? But how will it go now that he knows Candice is Andy?**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	16. Little Chickens

**As always, thank you all for the awesome reviews & follows! **

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**Special thanks to Tender Marian who is slaving away to translate my fic Lie To Me into French! It's really an honor to have it done! Thank you!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Hope you'll also enjoy my new one up- This is what it feels like! **

**Chapter 16- Little Chickens. **

After they left the sidewalk behind and met Callaghan at the barn to turn over the bag Sam lost sight of McNally.

She just vaporized and went missing.

So he guessed that she just wanted some time, so he left and went home.

Turning his phone on, Sam found a missed call from Oliver, probably because he and McNally had bailed on Izzy's party.

Seeing that it was late, Sam skipped returning the call, he'd see Oliver on shift in the morning so he'd explain and apologize for bailing without an explanation then.

When Sam fell into bed his mind kept re-running his conversation with McNally over and over until his eyes closed and he was left to slip into fitful dreams.

...

Andy hit the ground running as soon as they left Luke's office.

She was having a really hard time maintaining her composure. This was by far the worst thing she'd ever had to fake.

She had never been one to think what she wanted to say through before actually saying it, and now she had to if she didn't want to slip up and create havoc.

It was hard. She felt like she was stuck in a bubble where she had to be someone else all the time.

It was worse than Dakota had been.

But having Sam back this way- it just wasn't something she was ready to part with yet. That was the only reason that she was doing this: Sam.

When she got home, Andy checked her phone and found a missed call from Sarah only twenty minutes ago, she she turned the heating shower water off and went to sit on her bed while her finger tapped the redial button.

"Hello?"

Sarah's tone set Andy on high alert, she sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

"Sarah, is everything okay?" Andy rambled out at high speed.

"Yes Andy, I fell asleep on the couch" Sarah half laughed out even though she already knew that it was just in Andy's nature to worry.

"Oh" Andy breathed out relieved. "So how are you?".

"I'm good. Just adjusting to being back at home". Andy knew that she wasn't lying. In some ways Sarah was just like her- her ability to lie just didn't exist. Unless you had too.

"Too quiet?" Andy giggled out.

"Yup". Sarah sounded a little stressed. "I called Sam yesterday he said he's doing okay". Sarah let it hang there.

"He is Sarah, he is okay. He's remembering too" Andy tried to muster some hope into her words, it sounded like Sarah needed the reassurance.

"He is?" And there it was, a joyful tone sounding so happy that it made Andy smile into the receiver.

"He is, it's little things, but they're there. And works good too, he's coping". Andy couldn't bring herself to tell Sarah about the incident they had experienced, that would just make her worry unnecessarily.

"And you? Are you coping?".

"Yeah, sure, I mean it's better than I thought it would be". Andy sighed uncontrollably at the end of her sentence. That statement couldn't be further from the truth.

"You sure about that?" Sarah let out a slight laugh, she was probably imagining Sam giving her a hard time on shift.

"Yeah, it's just weird to filter everything you know, think everything through before acting or saying something. It's kind of not really me".

"And him? Is he natural? Or does he still need that control over everything to keep himself together?".

That made Andy laugh. Sam could deny it all he wanted, but between her and Sarah, they had him pegged down to the last inch of his personality.

"He's really good Sarah". Andy sighed wishing that she had more to say. "And you? Are you really okay?".

"Yup, I'm hanging in there and being a good girl. I'm uh, the reason I'm calling is I got offered a spot to speak at an outreach program next month, but I want you to come". Sarah rushed the words out so fast that Andy saw the Swarek difficulty in asking something making it's presence known.

Sam had never really asked anything of her, and she was sure that a few times he wanted too, or tried to but just couldn't get there.

"Wow, that's great".

"Andy!".

"Sorry, when is it?"

"The seventh, it's here though, in St Catherines. But I don't want Sam to know, or to come. I can't do this with him there".

Andy sighed. She hated having to keep so many things from Sam. All the things she was keeping hidden were starting to gnaw away at her insides.

"You should tell him Sarah". There it was, Andy's conscience talking.

"I will, but afterwards. It's the first time I'm doing something like this, and I don't think having Sam there will make it any easier".

"But he knows all of it Sarah, he knows everything that happened to you, you're letting your demons make you hide behind me when you should let Sam be there for you".

Sarah stayed silent for a while, her mind weighing up what Andy had said.

"I know Andy, but this is an outreach program for troubled teenage girls, somehow I don't think that having a man in the room will make them want to talk openly, they're mostly recovering addicts".

"Oh" Andy said. She had just assumed that it was more to do with what happened to Sarah than Sarah trying to talk some sense into troubled girls. "I dunno.."

"Oh come on Andy! Please? I'll come down and get you on Friday and take you home on Sunday?"

Andy couldn't help but keep smiling into her phone.

"Okay, I'll let you know"

"Okay, that'll do, for now. I better go, you need to sleep now. Thanks for being there Andy".

"Anytime Sarah" Andy replied before hanging up.

Her whole growing friendship with Sarah was puzzling.

While she had been dating Sam, he seemed to try and keep space between them. Now that there was space between Sam and his past, Andy found a new friendship born out of tragedy.

What were the odds of that?

...

The next morning Sam avoided seeking McNally out during parade. He had spent most of the night reliving images of Jamie Brennan and Candice until he gave up at around three am and got up and went for a run.

It was probably insane, but he just kept imagining McNally being around Brennan and that was something that literally made him feel sick. He had seen Brennan's file so he knew exactly how ruthless he was and precisely what he was capable of. It was a chilling thought that McNally even went anywhere near him. Then there were these tiny little glimpses of her that didn't fit anywhere, they seemed to be a jumble of memories that didn't even follow in order.

Sam was also staggered that he hadn't figured that one out, and he was certainly not prepared for the truth that he had been confusing McNally with Candice, and that they were the same person.

Sam asked Frank to swap McNally out for the day siting a plausible excuse- they went on a short UC stint last night and he hadn't slept so he didn't want any repercussions being thrown McNally's way. Frank bought his excuse and Sam was moved to help Nash and McNally was partnered with her boy... Correction with Collins.

McNally smiled his way briefly when she left parade, but she didn't show any signs of having figured out that he bumped himself as her partner.

Working with Nash was very different from how Sam pictured it going. She was relentless, but she was also very dedicated and ruthless in searching for the truth.

She caught a case which led them to a murder, suicide scene and she was so professional that Sam literally was in awe of her tactics as she set out and combed through the scene with diligence and a whole lot of her own, fresh perspective.

While they were still busy, Nash got a phone call that set her face into pure panic mode.

"I've gotta go, Leo's sick. Can you cover for me?" She rushed out after hanging up the call and marching over to Sam.

"Um..." She was the only Detective on scene and besides him here, there were two rookies. Not such a great idea that she leave, but he understood. Her priorities were right, her son came first. And it wasn't like the bodies were going anywhere.

"Sam, please? You've got this"

"Okay" Sam replied hoping to hell and back that he didn't screw this one up.

...

Three hours later Sam left the scene and caught a ride back to the barn with the rookies. They reminded him of Epstein and Diaz when they first started out, they gave him the same weary looks that the former rookies had once upon a time.

But they did their job, and carried out Sam's instructions so there hadn't been any real hitches.

Walking into the barn Sam couldn't help but notice the unusual activity as every set of feet started scrambling for the nearest door.

"Hey Swarek" Noelle yelled when she saw him cross into the bullpen. "We've got a_** Chicken-Run"**_

That stopped Sam dead in his tracks, his mind immediately going to Oliver and his girls.

When a kid went missing an Amber Alert was put out immediately. There was no waiting, no time wasted it was done now. Fifteen had a pretty good track record when it came to Amber Alerts, they had only ever lost Three kids in the Thirteen years that Sam had been at Fifteen. All three kids had come home, they just hadn't been alive when they did.

Then, there was a _**'Chicken-Run'. **_

The term was first used about ten years ago when a cop from this very divisions little girl went missing at a mall. She just vanished without a trace and because her dad was a cop and the powers that be didn't want a loose cannon on their hands, they had radioed it as a _**'Spring Chicken' **_went missing. Since then, the term had changed to a _**'Chicken Run'**_ because of the dangers it posed to leaking the child's identity as well as the parents when it came to cops that went undercover. That little girl had been one of the three that made it home as a tiny little bodybag.

In Sam's years here, this was only the second time that; that phrase had been used.

Noelle must have seen fear written on his face because just as she reached the door she yelled out "it's Nash's kid" before making a hasty retreat out of the barn.

Sam shook his head because she left through the front door, that meant that it was a high alert call because she was taking her own car because all the cruisers were already out. This kind of call made everyone drop what they were doing and hit the streets, a full blown police presence being moved to find the kid.

Looking around the barn Sam caught sight of Oliver and Epstein both moving towards the Sallyport carrying shotguns. That was a really scary image. They had probably just come in with a perp, and booked them, now they were gearing up for things to get a little tougher.

That also meant that they were preparing for the worst if need be.

But Nash had no ties to Guns and Gangs or undercover's or anything that would make someone want her kid as leverage.

Oliver saw Sam and nodded towards the hallways that led to the interrogation rooms, his way of telling Sam that Nash was being detained in there somewhere.

That was just so wrong.

Sam found a uniform posted outside a door so it wasn't hard to find out where she was. He slipped into the viewing room not surprised that McNally was already in there in a state.

"You okay?" Sam asked as soon as he shut the door.

"No" came out cast in tears as she tried to cover it up but failed. He really didn't expect her to be strong right now.

Sam looked through the glass, Nash and Callaghan on the other side.

"I told you" Nash suddenly screamed at Callaghan slamming her hand down on the table.

"I went into the pharmacy, when I came out he was gone". She added a second later her tone breaking as _gone_ slipped from her lips.

Sam stayed focused on the scene in the interrogation room, even though it was so hard to watch.

"You sure that's what happened?". Callaghan's tone was flat. He was struggling to keep it together and keep it professional. He was finding it hard to keep a distance between making it personal.

"Son of a b..." McNally yelled and raced for the door but Sam stopped her just before she flung it open.

"Hey, let it go". Sam stated as soon as she looked up at him.

"Let it go? Sam her ten year old son is missing and Luke is grilling her like she did something wrong".

"I know okay, but it's the best chance she has right now".

"What?" McNally screeched the word out and stepped back, away from him like she was repulsed. Sam didn't even contemplate taking a step towards her. That wouldn't be a good thing right now.

"McN... Andy if someone hurts the kid, it's her defense. If something happens to Leo, then this is part of the evidence that will prove that she's innocent. It's only to help her, because all hell will come down on her if..." Sam stopped. He just couldn't say anymore when he saw Andy's face.

"You don't think..."

"Hey, I didn't say that, I said IF".

Sam felt like crap seeing her face. He really could have phrased Callaghan's motives better. But he had to give McNally credit, she turned really fierce when she was standing up for someone or something she believed in. He had seen it when Tommy McNally was accused of murder too.

Sam focused back on Nash. She was more than a mess and he couldn't help but feel sorry for her and hope that this turned out better than it was looking.

Without another word to McNally, Sam left the viewing room and walked straight into the interrogation room before giving Callaghan a look and saying a stern "She needs a minute".

Callaghan nodded and left the room leaving the video camera on and closing the door behind him.

"Sam..." His presence seemed to disturb her more as she looked up at him. She didn't deserve this.

Sam dragged the chair that Callaghan had vacated around the table and sat down in front of Nash trying to keep all his own emotions off his face.

"Tell me what happened" he said searching for a place to start.

"I left you and went to the school and picked Leo up. He was throwing up, and had a headache but no fever so I called my doctor and he told me to get some over the counter medication because it sounded like a virus". Nash took a deep breath and looked passed Sam to the two-way mirror behind him. She knew that McNally was there.

"I drove to the pharmacy and told him to wait in the car with the trashcan that his teacher gave us to use in the car. I went in, and when I came out he was gone Sam. The trashcan was on the back seat and he... I was gone five minutes I swear".

Sam nodded, he knew without a doubt that she was telling him exactly what happened.

"Was there anyone suspicious hanging around?" Sam asked to receive a shake of her head. She was beyond the point of talking.

"Callaghan take your car?".

This time she nodded.

"Okay, sit tight, we'll find him" Sam said standing up and leaving a sobbing Nash behind.

Sam found Callaghan coming out of the viewing room as soon as he stepped out of the interrogation room.

"Her car? Seriously Sam?". McNally followed Callaghan and stopped, her arms crossing over her chest as she glared at him. She did not appreciated him asking Nash that.

Callaghan's hand magically held out a set of keys which Sam took before taking a step towards the nearest exit. McNally followed, but Sam stopped and shook his head "stay, she needs you here".

She seemed to understand that he wanted her to stay with Nash just in case a call came in and the unimaginable suddenly became reality.

When Sam was out of sight Andy was still staring at the empty space that he left behind.

"Her car?" She hissed out.

"You don't get it, do you?" Luke said, Andy spinning around to face him.

"Kids recognize their parents cars, he's going to drive around in Nash's car hoping that Leo comes to him".

That just stole Andy's breath away. It was an ingenious idea, but she had jumped the gun and thought the worst because her emotions were running high.

She had totally just pulled a Sam Swarek move on herself.

******* welcome to the bottom!**

**Glad you're still here!**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	17. Unforgettable

**As always big thank you from me!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 & Rookie Blue South Africa on Facebook- check them out! Hello to my pretzel- Mandy in Cape Town! (For my early Christmas gift lol)**

**Okay, let's go see if we find Leo...**

**Chapter 17- Unforgettable. **

Sam felt really weird driving Nash's tiny Volkswagen. He was used to driving his tank of a truck that was automatic, and here he was driving a tiny car that was stick.

He had to move the seat back several notches to get comfortable before he was even able to start the ignition. There was no power steering, and the breaks were almost done, the car idled high because the timing needed to be tuned but at least the vehicle seemed reliable enough to take Sam downtown to where the pharmacy was that Nash last saw her son at.

Sam took a slow cruise down the street starting at one point and driving down passed the pharmacy. The engine tappids made a constant drone of humming as he drove, he seriously needed to tell Nash to get her car serviced, or maybe he'd just take it in to be done. A cruiser was parked outside the pharmacy, two uniforms canvasing the area and just hanging around in case Leo made his way back there on his own.

Sam took a right at the stop street and surveyed the area, noticing that the bright sunshine seemed to have dimmed. He'd been so preoccupied with thinking things through about Nash and her missing kid that he hadn't even noticed that rain clouds setting in as the white tufts turned to a blanket of grey.

Pulling over Sam parked Nash's car and got out. It would be better to search for Leo on foot because he was just a kid, he was so small and so easy to be missed while driving. Hopefully he would see the car and hang around it.

Sam nodded at two rookies across the street, they had their phones out showing passing pedestrians Leo's picture, but every single person they stopped shook their head while Sam stood watching.

Sam took a minute and stood on the end of the pavement and just thought. He let his mind get wrapped up in the possibilities of the moment as he tried to find the smallest fraction of sense in the situation.

The rolling thunder echoed in the distance, Sam's feeling of hope dropping an octave down passed the positively that he had been trying to hang on too. An approaching storm was not a good sign now.

If Leo had been taken then any possible evidence could be washed away, if he had just wondered off then he was about to be cold, wet, and sick out in the world alone.

...

Andy watched as Traci looked at the wall clock, her features showing her hope waning as she saw the time.

Leo had been missing for five hours now, with no news on him at all.

Frank had ushered them into his office to wait it out, Andy knowing that he wanted Traci away from the phones and radios until they knew more. He probably didn't want her to overhear a call coming in that Leo's body had been found. No parent should have to be forced into facing that kind of scenario.

Gail and Chloe were manning the phones and both of them would occasionally look up to shake their heads at Andy telling her that there was no news so far, but that was a good thing.

Andy had run out to get food from the diner across the road so that Traci would eat, the soft raindrops telling her that things were about to get much worse. Traci was already unconditionally worried, knowing that Leo might be sick and out in the rain would send her over the edge.

So she didn't tell Traci and she was more than thankful when Traci didn't ask why her hair was a little fizzled.

Andy eyed her boots and thought about calling Sam. She had jumped to conclusions earlier and thought the wrong thing. She should have know by now that Sam always thinks outside the box, so asking Traci about her car was a brilliant idea when she finally understood it.

Another hour had gone passed, time waning as Traci grew more fretful and more inconsolable.

No news was good news though, so even though the time frame was making hope look bleak, it was in another way a positive sign because that meant that if there was no body, there was a chance that he was still alive and would come home.

Traci was getting claustrophobic, she was agitated and fidgety, so Andy opened Frank's office door nodding outside so that Traci would get the hint and follow. It took a while for Traci's face to move from it's zoned out expression to one of understanding when she saw Andy.

They moved down the stairs and Andy noticed that Gail was smiling at her madly, Andy having no idea why. It was not in her usual character to smile so warmly.

Traci was making a beeline for the bathrooms, Andy following as Traci kept her head down and walked in the direction she wanted to go in.

Then Andy was suddenly frozen in an unforgettable moment.

Sam came walking towards them down the same hallway, a bundle cradled in his arms as he shook his head slightly to clear the loose raindrops from his hair.

The bundle had Sam's jacket covering it, but Andy could still see the mop of dark curls hovering over Sam's shoulder and tiny white sneakers hanging on either side of his legs.

Andy's attention moved to Traci who was still oblivious to the others in the hallway, she was probably lost in some kind of daydream or running every imaginable scenario through her mind. Or she had simply escaped to her happy place.

Sam stopped abruptly and set Leo down on his feet, he tugged his jacket from around the kids shoulders and nodded toward the back of Leo who spun around and started running.

The movement caught Traci's attention and she looked up a "Leo?" Whispered so softly that Andy was sure that she was the only one that heard it.

Traci's knees hit the floor in the hallway just as Leo crashed into her, letting himself be swept away by his mothers embrace as he returned to safety.

Andy looked away, just for a second, her eyes misting over as her smile beamed between the walls. The moment was the most divine that she had ever experienced, even though Traci was on her knees sobbing her heart out.

Sam breezed by McNally letting Nash have her reunion with her son in a private moment.

"Sam"

He should have guessed that she would follow.

She always did.

"Where did you find him?" McNally fell into stride beside him as he walked away from Nash and the few others that had gathered to witness Leo's return.

"Park around the corner. He said he wanted to throw up but couldn't get to the trash can in the car fast enough, so he got out and went to use the trashcan in the alley next to the pharmacy. He went into the alley one way, and went out the other. Just an innocent mistake" Sam said not looking up, but rather paying attention to where they were walking to.

"Seriously? He just sat in the park?" McNally seemed kind of stunned that Leo had known to stay put rather than wonder too far when he realized that he was in the wrong place. But then again, he was a clever kid and his mom was a cop so it had probably been drilled into him while he was growing up.

"Thank you" McNally said when they reached the mens locker room door and stopped. She suddenly moved forwards and gave Sam a tight hug, one that felt warm, and bubbly and...misplaced?

McNally stepped back and let him go as quickly as she had swept her arms around him, then she just walked away wearing a giant smile.

Sam took a deep breath and shook his head, the warm feeling still running through him.

Turning around, his hand found the locker room door as Sam let the bubbling images flow freely. The second that McNally embraced him, that familiar feeling swept through him and he knew what was coming. He knew that he was about to experience another onslaught of memories, he just didn't want her to bare witness to how destructive they had become when they were intense.

Stepping through the door was like stepping into another world, images spraying in full view as the scene changed before his own eyes.

But these images were different, these ones came with a plague of emotions that burned their way through his chest and made his breath come out in ragged gasps.

Once inside, Sam put a hand on the wall to brace himself when he literally became paralyzed with fear.

It was way more intense than any of the other memories he'd had resurface, these ones struck a cord so deep that Sam felt sick to his stomach as they flashed at high speed through his mind.

There was a building that held something bad inside it, Sam standing outside looking at it for a moment. Then he was inside, a hand holding what looked like a grenade in it, then his own hands covering the hand holding it.

He heard feint words, his own words, words that made him shake his head wishing the images away.

He literally heard himself say things like _'I love you'_ then something like _'I wish you were in my head'_ then he was somewhere else, in a more familiar surrounding.

His voice was still heard echoing though his mind as he made a reference to How to kill a mocking bird when he mentioned a dog named Boo Radley.

Then he was spewing nonsense about bones in the body and then ETF was taking the grenade?

Wait, that didn't seem like it was following in the right order. It was ending where it started?

How did that work?

Sam's mind began to shut down, his willpower taking over as he was forcing himself to stop remembering as it became too much to handle.

One final image slammed into his mind, the image of raindrops falling into a mass of dark hair as sad eyes stared at him, but they were different than from before. They were the same dark eyes that he saw every night when he went to bed, the same eyes that haunted his dreams and crashed through his nightmares.

This time the warmth had seeped away and the eyes were lifeless and void of anything other than his own reflection.

It really was a sad sight.

Sam blinked and focused on the inside of the locker room, only too relieved that it was completely vacant now except for his presence.

Letting his hand slide down the wall Sam sat down. Just took a seat on the floor, the wall holding him up when he leaned back against it, eyes closed, and tried to steady his breathing.

The little spectacle his mind had just put on for show had completely drained him, he was suddenly utterly exhausted. Maybe it was also partly to the fact that his high running emotions had calmed down when he stumbled on Leo in the park and found that he was okay.

But as much as Sam blinked, those dead eyes kept flashing across his mind everytime he closed his eyes.

_'I love you'. _

He was sure that he had said those words to someone, he felt the fear at seeing a dainty hand clutching the grenade, it had been a real memory. It had been a real event, a real time when he said that to someone.

But who?

Sam let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand over his face.

What the hell was wrong with him, and who the hell was she?

He didn't find this behavior at all healthy, and to be honest it was tearing him up.

He had spent a fair amount of time wondering and thinking about mystery girl, but until now he wasn't that sure that she was even real, that anything he associated with her had been real, but everything he had just felt made him change his mind. He had even entertained the notion that **She **was Candice, but Candice was McNally so how was that even logical?

Although; he was starting to think that his mind was a little sick and twisted.

He had experienced numerous emotions in less than two minutes, the worst was an emptiness, a longing he couldn't explain- like he missed her.

But he didn't even _know_ her.

How could you explain wanting a girl you don't know, or loving a girl you've never met?

Because when he saw her looking at him with those vacant eyes, he felt the most heartbreaking feeling run through him, it was the one that left him breathless, the one that made him sit down on the floor.

Staggering to his feet, his hand never really moving to far away from the wall Sam had a random thought jump to mind.

From the minor details that he had been told about his accident he knew that he was hurt because he tried to save another cop.

What if he had only tried, and not succeeded, that's why her lifeless eyes were staring at him?

Maybe he didn't save her, and she died and that was why he blocked everything out of his mind?

Maybe he was dating her?

He just really had no idea anymore.

Making his way to his locker Sam grabbed his shower gel and a towel before hitting the water at an ice cold temperature, just to feel something other than confusion and frustration.

When he was done and left the locker room, he looked around for McNally but couldn't see her so he left the barn and headed for the Penny.

Their shift was just over so she had probably left with Nash who most likely needed a little time in a happy environment to help her put the day behind her, and McNally and wine were the perfect solution to fulfilling that need.

Sliding onto his regular chair at the Penny's bar, Sam patted Oliver on his shoulder by way of greeting as he sat down.

Oliver slid a beer over to Sam and geld his own up before saying "To a good day at the office". Sam clinked his bottle against Oliver's before taking a thirsty sip.

Finding Leo had indeed made it a good day.

"Something on your mind Brother?" Oliver asked immediately. Sam was sure that his friend knew him better than he knew himself these days.

"Nope" Sam said avoiding Oliver's questioning gaze and arched eyebrow.

"Did she survive? Did I save her? You know, the cop when..." Sam wasn't sure how to end it so he just didn't finish his sentence. He still didn't know what happened that day, all he knew was that he wasn't shot.

"Why don't you ask her yourself" Oliver nodded to McNally as she came to stand next to him and ordered two beers.

Sam's heart rate picked up when Oliver said that, McNally was the one he saved that day?

He caught himself staring at her openly, his face probably screaming his shock.

Oliver looked between Sammy and McNally a satisfied feeling coursing through him. He had been watching them since Sammy came back to work and although things were different, there were still so many that hadn't changed.

He had seen Sammy seek McNally out everyday in parade, and he would look around a crime scene to see if she was okay. He would even see Sam looking for her at the Penny, he just didn't think that Sammy knew who he was looking for, or that he was actually doing it.

It was hard to watch them breakup, it had done copious amounts of damage to Sam, even if he wouldn't admit it, but that didn't mean that Oliver didn't see it.

Watching them now was like watching reruns of when they first met, there were no hard feelings, no regrets, no heated stares and apologetic expressions on their faces. Okay, maybe the heated stares had stayed, but this time they were intense and not because of the past.

It was just them.

Even though Sammy didn't remember his history with McNally, Oliver could tell that he knew there was something. Sammy just hadn't figured out what yet.

He knew that Sammy had taken McNally's place on the pressure plate that day for one reason, he just needed to be reminded what that reason was so Oliver broke the rules by bending them to push Sammy in the right direction.

Everyone had been briefed that telling Sam anything was a red flag, and that it could lead to penalties, but who going to let life stand in the way of love?

Oliver surely wouldn't, he was old school, a firm believer in the myth.

********Thanks for reading!**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	18. Unbelievable

**You guys are amazing! Thank you for all your awesomeness!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to all the newbies! Thanks to everyone reading & reviewing This is what it feels like too! **

**Chapter 18- Unbelievable. **

Uh-ho.

That was the only thing that stammered through Andy's mind as Sam openly gaped at her. He was like staring, intensely and it was incredibly unnerving.

His mind was working overtime, but his face gave him away.

It was one of the few rare occasions that it did, that she was allowed to see what was going on in his head.

Andy looked down at the bar counter, her eyes running along the grains in the wood just to take her mind off of the things that she was thinking were possibly going through Sam's mind right now.

"Time for me to tuck my girls into bed" Oliver said loudly enough for both Andy and Sam to know that he was leaving because he was sitting in between them.

Liam set Andy's beers down and she smiled his way before throwing a light "Night Oliver" over her shoulder and making tracks towards a table a few feet away where Collins sat waiting for her.

Sam couldn't help but notice that Collins was still casting him stern looks that said harsh words without saying anything.

Nick smiled when Andy held his beer out towards him. It had been a while since they'd done this and they had invited Traci with them, but understandable she had declined.

Lately Andy had been so wrapped up with life that it left little time for fun but tonight was sure to make up for it.

Nick swung his gaze between Sam and back to Andy before she giggled at the face he was pulling. He'd noticed the moment they had going a few seconds ago, but somehow it was lost in translation to him.

"So, he still hasn't...?"

Andy shook her head before taking a small sip from her beer.

"Isn't it weird? I mean how do you forget..." Nick stopped talking, his face filling with remorse. "I'm sorry I didn't mean...".

"I know. It's hard and weird and I feel like I'm still stuck pretending to be someone else" Andy said careful not to look in Sam's direction. She knew he was watching her in the mirrors behind the bar, she could feel it.

"Before... When I said I wanted you to trade partners I was just worried about you" Nick said turning the conversation even more serious.

Since that day there had been a rift between them, they'd only been partnered together once and even earlier today they just didn't feel the same.

"I get it Nick, I do, but he would never... He wouldn't put me in that position again". Andy nearly said that Sam wouldn't deliberately hurt her, or let her get hurt, but Nick wouldn't see it that way, not with that wording. He would go ahead and mention Marlo as an argument and Andy just didn't want to go down that road right now.

Andy saw Nick look up at Sam before looking back at her. "I just don't want to see you get hurt again Andy, and with things like this, I just don't know if he's capable of having your back".

Andy swallowed, she knew that Nick and Sam had been in a bad place when Sam was injured, but she really thought that they'd moved passed this.

"The only thing that's still the same is the fact that I trust Sam. I always have Nick, and when everything else changed, that was the one thing that didn't. And it won't. I won't change my mind, because I can see what it's doing to him every time he remembers something. I can see that it's hard on him, and he learned from that mistake, because that was what it was. He couldn't have known that it would be like that. And that day, he remembered how Brennan tortured him and that was hard the first time, I can't even imagine what it was like to go through that again". Andy took a deep breath and managed to keep herself together without getting mad at Nick. She understood his point, he was just looking out for her.

"Andy I know it's hard okay, but it's hard on you too". Nick leaned a little closer to her across the table when he said that, his face daring her to disagree.

"I can see how hard it is for you to be around him and pretend that everything is okay, that you guys are okay. I just don't want you to drop your guard and let him in again".

Andy just stared at Nick, had he seriously just said that?

"I didn't mean it that way, I just meant that you should keep your distance Andy, because history tends to repeat itself".

Andy nodded, but just barely. She had stopped listening and started overthinking.

Nick was so right that it was actually scary.

She was letting her guard slip, and that would only mean a world of heartache.

Sam watched McNally lean closer to Collins as they appeared to be in a very deep conversation.

His mind was still reeling in shock from finding out that McNally was the one that he saved the day he had his accident, but that didn't mean that it consumed his attention. Nope, he was still pretty much focused on his surroundings, especially her table.

It was logical that he would do what he could in any given situation to have his partners back, he just couldn't fathom to what extent he had gone to protect her if this was how things turned out.

Sam noticed McNally getting up and leaving her table to head in the direction of the ladies room, and then Collins' presence was lurking next to him when he approached the bar and ordered another two beers and a glass of water.

Collins looked his way at the same time Sam returned it, both sets of eyes refusing to look away first.

When Liam set Collins' fresh beers down on the bar in front of him, Sam saw that Collins had something to say so he dipped his head in a sign that would say that Collins could go ahead and just get whatever he had to say off his chest and move on.

"Just don't hurt her okay".

Sam was left staring at the back of Collins after he said that and then just walked away.

What was that even supposed to mean?

Sam schooled his features carefully as he tried to collect himself.

Once again his mind had slammed into dreamland and lingered on one person as his hand reached out for his glass and he faced the bar again.

He was well aware of the fact that there was something there when it came to McNally. There was his indescribable need to know that she was okay, and his tendency to overly worry about her. Then the was this thing that could be deemed over-protectiveness, his desire to put her in a bubble and keep her safe.

What?

When had that even become a factor?

Putting her in a bubble?

Sam shook his head slightly, a dry chuckle sounding quietly into the air around him.

He really was a moron or an idiot if he thought that he had forgotten anything about what he thought about McNally.

It was **never forgotten,** it was still labeled in the _'under denial'_ category. It had merely been clouded in a hazy fog with everything else that had been going on.

Andy came out of the bathroom and noticed Sam following her with a smirk on his face and a nasty gleam in his eyes. It made him look really mischievous.

She tried not to smile his way, but it was an automatic reaction to him whenever he looked her way and she caught him; which by the way, was a frequent occurrence.

Andy noticed Sam sort of furrow his brows as he made some kind of rational decision while he kept his eyes trailed on her as she crossed the final few steps that were between the bathroom and her table.

Sam took a long and winding breath, his hand pushing his half empty glass away from himself.

Maybe he should just bite the bullet and ask her out.

He could start with something simple, something easy, like asking her out for a drink. From there he'd just see where it goes.

Sam pushed up off his chair with every intention of walking straight out the door when McNally's stunned face caught his eye. It was like she was looking right through him at that moment.

Without giving it any more thought, Sam took a detour to her table and stopped directly in front of her, keeping his eyes off of Collins and his exasperated expression.

"Need a ride home?" Even to his own ears, Sam's voice sounded strained. He just hoped that she wouldn't hear the tone he tried to hide.

"Yeah, sure" McNally smiled his way before saying goodbye to Collins who was now wearing his own stunned expression.

Andy could tell that Sam had something on his mind, she had always been able to see it when he did. Dragging it out of him, that had always been the hardest part.

Andy followed Sam outside, his hand guiding her out of the door in a motion that was so familiar, yet so random at the same time; if that was even possible.

He held the passenger door open and she climbed into his truck taking the opportunity to get a full view of his still weird expression.

Sam had no idea what he was doing, but for some reason this was just suddenly the route he wanted his life to go in. He wanted to ask his, um _Former_ Rookie out on a date, the entire reasoning behind that boiling down to the fact that it just felt right. Like he was meant too.

He had spent weeks noticing the hushed whispers and wondering stares, and now he was merely testing the theory he had in his own mind.

Sam climbed in and started the truck up before driving McNally home. Somehow he always felt most content when he was confined to the interior of a vehicle with her. Except for right now, now he wished that she lived further away from the Penny than she did, because she didn't, he'd only have a total of five minutes to gather a little bit of courage to actually say the words he wanted too.

A block away from the Penny a red light caught them and Sam stopped while looking around everywhere, like it was an ordinary thing to do.

When his eyes landed on her, McNally was blushing furiously even though she only had her eyes trailed on him and her head hardly moved to the side. She looked a little flushed, but it suited her.

"Can we I dunno, maybe have a drink sometime?" There, the words were out and it really didn't feel that bad to say them.

"We have drinks all the time Sam" McNally replied looking kind of nervous and serious at the same time. Which was really out of place for her.

"I mean..." A car horn made Sam's attention snap to the green light as an impatient driver told them to move.

Sam pulled away, McNally doing her usual giggle routine at Sam's momentary loss of composure and the cold stare he gave the rear view mirror.

"I mean, like a drink somewhere other than at the Penny". Sam said casting her a wayward glance as he turned into her street. He cleared his throat as he pulled up to the curb outside when a flash of a sentence wafted to mind _'The One with all the windows'._

Sam looked out of his window and up at her building, a barrage of windows cast up the front of the building. And he knew that she had plenty of huge windows inside too. But it was her voice in his mind that had said that, a chipper tone wearing so much excitement as he heard her words.

Andy wished that an earthquake would shake up downtown Toronto, or maybe a tornado could just appear and blow her away right now.

Seriously? Sam was asking her out for a drink... Now? When he didn't remember anything?

He'd only sort of ever officially done that once before- the night she left for Dakota.

Before they'd always just fallen into going out, or they'd meet up at the Penny and have a drink together. They'd had hundreds of lunches, and dinners together after shift, but that had been different, that hadn't been Sam asking. When they were dating, it wasn't asked, it was just done. And now it was asked...

Sam saw copious emotions run across McNally's face before she pulled them all away and just blinked rapidly while looking at him.

"Um, Sam, that's just going to complicate things...". Andy mumbled, her head was saying _**NO**_while her heart was screaming _**YES.**_ But saying yes would be unfair to Sam, and her. She surprises herself by sounding calm even though the palms of her hands were suddenly clammy and her breathing a little quickened.

Sam was looking at her so expectantly, like he wanted her to say yes, but she just couldn't. She couldn't take advantage of the situation to get what she wanted more than anything else.

"Think about it" Sam suddenly said out of the blue. He was actually trying to get her to say yes, and even gave her enough rope to hang herself with.

"Sam..."

"McNally, it's just a drink. What's the worst that can happen?".

Oh boy. Andy could give him hundreds of answers to that, but saying any one of them would give away more history than she was willing to right now.

"Not now okay, maybe... Someday? Like an unpredictable rain-check, or a prolonged okay? Maybe..." Maybe she should just stop with the rambling right now.

"Okay, rain-check" Sam agreed wearing a set of dimples that nearly made Andy change her mind.

"Night Sam". With that Andy was out of the truck and moving into her building feeling like she was ready to turn around, walk up to Sam and just tell him everything.

It was hard on a normal day, hard to keep up the pretense, but now that it was crossing over into the personal category, it was unbelievable unimaginable.

Sam watched McNally walking away not really sure what had just happened.

He was so sure that he was reading everything right, but apparently what he was seeing just wasn't really there. Not from her side.

Sam ran a hand over his face and let it go even though he was tempted to march up to her front door and ask why she wouldn't let him at least have a shot at this.

Wait, he wanted a shot...with McNally?

Yup, he did. He always had.

Sam shook the hindering thoughts from his mind and blew out a wavering breath.

Before his accident he knew that he had a little thing for her, like a crush?

What? Was he five? A crush?

"Ug" Sam grumbled before heading home.

The passing cars cast lights across the tarmac, Sam still trying to get a grip on the fact that he had actually worked up the nerve to eventually ask her out, on a date.

And she said no.

Correction, she said not now, there was a huge gap between no and not now. Which left him some room to turn it into a yes.

He desperately wanted a yes, because for some reason he knew it would be worth it.

He just had no idea how or why he knew that, but he knew what he wanted.

Her.

*****Welcome to the bottom, thanks for reading!**

**Seems like Sam is finally getting it together!**

**Let me know if you're still here with another awesome review!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	19. Muted Silence

**Wow, you guys know how to blow me away, so thank you! **

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars!**

**Chapter 19- Muted Confusion. **

Over the next three weeks Sam paid a little bit of extra attention to McNally, not so subtly. He was using all his powers of persuasion, and getting absolutely nowhere.

He would flash the dimples, and get her coffee in the morning.

He made sure that they were always close to her favorite food spots at lunch time or dinner time, and he even showed up outside her building to pick her up for work on rainy days.

But, she still gave him no indication that she was in any way inclined to want more.

The night that he had asked her out had been going smoothly until the next morning when he woke up.

He would still swear that he saw her sleeping on his pillow, in his bed when his eyes had fluttered open.

It was almost like he had been dreaming that she was there and when he turned his head with his eyes open he could still see her. He could almost smell her...

It had startled him and he had drawn in a shocked breath and blinked only to have the sight of her evaporate.

It was up until now by far the weirdest experience he had ever had.

And he couldn't explain it, it had been so vivid that he had almost been convinced that it was another memory. But it simply didn't fit, she had said that nothing happened, so how come she was sleeping in his bed? Or was it a figment of his imagination brought on by him shifting their relationship towards the personal category?

He had no idea, and he didn't really care, it was a sight he had set as his goal, him waking up to her in his bed.

Sam was careful to keep his thoughts from reflecting across his face, Oliver would notice and he was bound to say something about it and Sam didn't want McNally to get the wrong idea.

He wanted the more that came with waking up next to her in the mornings.

Oliver was quiet tonight, the din of the Penny louder than the silence between them.

It was another Thursday night spent having drinks after shift, apparently poker nights became non-existent after Jerry died. They had a weekend off, the entire Friday through Sunday which didn't happen very often, maybe once every six or so months when the rotations just happened to fall that way.

So here they were, Sam with his one track mind and Oliver with his unusual silence. The thought made Sam scoff aloud, Oliver directing his attention Sam's way with a raised eyebrow.

"You talked to her yet?" Oliver asked nodding towards the table behind them that held Nash, McNally, Collins, Price and Epstein.

"Who?" Sam played his whole poker face, pleading innocence even though he knew that Oliver would take the conversation to the next level.

"Seriously?" Was Oliver's clever response.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Haven't we had this conversation before?" Sam mumbled knowing that they had. Or they had at least once- the day McNally got stuck in the laundromat.

"And look how that turned out" Oliver spoke before he had thought his words over, his face giving away that he let something slip.

"How exactly _did_ that turn out?" Sam said giving Oliver a look that said he needed an answer.

"Oh hey McNally..." Oliver yelled loudly before slipping off his chair next to Sam taking his beer bottle with him as he moved towards her table leaving Sam staring after him.

McNally was looking their way, Oliver's tone telling her that he had let something slip out that shouldn't have been.

But once again, Sam let it go. It wasn't the time or place to go into a deep conversation.

An hour later Sam noticed McNally heading for the door.

She always had this way of wanting to walk everywhere, and he wished that she would just buy a car. Sam really didn't like the idea of McNally walking anywhere, especially alone at night after a few drinks.

When she was out the door Sam dropped some cash on the bar and followed.

He found her a block down from the Penny and pulled over, her face turning a slight hint of red when she noticed his presence.

"You know that stalking can get you arrested right?" She giggled out when he opened the window and just sat there smiling at her.

"You offering?" That turned a light giggle into a hefty laugh as she looked away and let the noise flow freely into the quiet night air.

"Just get in the car" Sam added seconds later.

When she did, she avoided looking directly at him. She had obviously noticed his attempts to get a little closer to her over recent weeks, and up until now she didn't really have any inclination to spend time with him outside of work, except when he picked her up for shift.

She did however, spend a lot of time at the Penny seated at Collins' table, with him. Sam of course just couldn't help but notice that, even if her relationship with Collins appeared to be strictly platonic.

"So, you busy this weekend?" Sam asked easing into conversation as he pulled away from the curb.

"Yup, got a few things going on, you?"

When she said that Sam knew that she wasn't willing to say precisely what those things were.

"Nope, just going to hang out at home, maybe go pay Oliver a visit". By the time that was said, Sam was outside her building- the short drive coming to an abrupt end.

"Enjoy your weekend Sam". She was gone in a flash but this time she stopped to look at him over her shoulder and lifted her hand up and wiggled her fingers.

Sam returned her wave, the smirk on his face not being able to be withheld anymore.

He was definitely getting somewhere.

...

Sarah picked Andy up at Seven the next morning, Andy barely able to comprehend how someone could drive two hours after getting up at whatever time just to come and pick her up.

When Andy bounded down her stairs and saw Sarah wide awake, Sarah had smiled and said "I don't sleep much" before popping the trunk open for Andy's bag.

They let light conversation flow between them all the way to Sarah's house, even at the diner when Sarah stopped and ordered them coffee and breakfast halfway.

When Sarah pulled into her driveway Andy was pleasantly surprised by Sarah's house.

It was a modest, well kept suburban house, but it was in the middle of a cul-de-sac. Andy thought that Sarah would rather live in a wide, open space than choosing to literally live on top of her neighbors.

Once inside, Andy was shown around and led to the spare room where she left her bag and followed Sarah back to the kitchen while she set out to make coffee.

Andy had stopped in the hallway and taken in the rows of photo frames lining the walls, a glance back at Sam when he was growing up making her feel like she was intruding into a piece of his life that he didn't want her to see.

After coffee Sarah told Andy to make herself at home while she did a little bit of work in her study after receiving a frantic call from her office. Andy nodded and let Sarah go while she returned to the photos and took them in.

The day blurred by, time speeding away as they had fun and shared numerous laughs.

By the time Sarah went to bed Andy was dead on her feet but hoped that she would be able to sleep in the strange bed.

She still found it hard to sleep anywhere but her own bed. During Dakota, Nick had insisted that she take the bed, but that changed when she kept waking him up to take over the couch in the middle of the night. She slept better there so soon it became her permanent bed despite Nick's protests.

The next morning Andy was up early, she really hadn't slept all that well in Sarah's spare bed. It was a big bed, and it was soft and comfortable, but it wasn't her own bed.

Deciding not to wake Sarah, Andy pulled on some shorts and a vest and decided to go for an early morning run just to clear her head.

The cul-de-sac was still wrapped under the hue of darkness, the houses still locked in slumber as Andy stepped out the door and warmed up a little before setting a steady pace down the street.

Sam's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when he drove passed McNally taking a leisurely run down his sisters street.

It was just after six am and he had made a split second decision to come down here instead of staying home for the weekend off when he woke up at two am again. He left home at three-thirty, and stopped for coffee and gas twice, well for the coffee anyway. He couldn't even remember the last time that he had been here, so he figured that maybe it was because not only was there no memory of it, but he actually hadn't been down here in a really long time.

He just never expected to see McNally on this street.

Andy stopped when she saw Sam's truck approaching. She contemplated bolting but there wasn't really anywhere to go and it wasn't like she could hide in Sarah's house.

She stayed facing the front and heard Sam reverse once he was sure that it was her so she waited for him while she tried to decide if she should carry on with her run, or just give up now that she reached the end of the block.

Sam eyed her with high arched eyebrows and a lopsided smile. He was really enjoying the fact that he caught her out at his sisters when she wouldn't say what she was doing.

"Hi" Andy tried not to feel embarrassed, but she couldn't help it, her flaming cheeks giving it away. They were probably glowing in the soft traces of dawn.

"Hey" Sam said and then waited for her to ramble on about what she was doing here.

But she didn't say anything, just stood there smiling.

"Coming or going?" Sam asked to break the silence.

"Going" Andy mumbled and took off down the street taking the awkward moment with her. Sam would swear that she added a "Definitely going" as she bolted away.

Sam watched her speed off in the rear view mirror, she really had nice legs.

Sneaking into Sarah's house although he knew that she was awake always made Sam uncomfortable. He didn't want to give her a fright, but if she was on a rare occasion still sleeping, then he didn't want to wake her up because she hardly ever slept.

McNally left the door unlocked so that she could get back in, so Sam made less noise when he shut it behind himself quietly.

"Want coffee?" Came yelled out the kitchen, Sarah mistaking him for Andy's speedy return.

"Yeah sure". Sam yelled back and heard Sarah knock something over. There was no way that she had been expecting him to answer.

When Sarah stuck her head out of the kitchen Sam chuckled at the mask she was wearing, she was trying to scowl but was so happy to see him that the traces of a smile were visible. He wiggled his eyebrows and mumbled "surprise".

"Sam hi" Sarah looked a little flushed and caught off guard.

"So, what you doing?" Sam was teasing her and couldn't resist.

"Making coffee" Sarah materialized out from the kitchen holding a steaming cup out to him.

"McNally takes two sugars and plenty of milk" Sam said before taking a sip to find that Sarah had given him coffee with sugar. It was her revenge for him sneaking up here. "But I guess you already know that". Sam added seconds later.

"So what brings you down here?". Sarah asked eyeing the door.

"Off weekend" Sam clarified making Sarah shift around uncomfortably. She was hiding something. And it wasn't McNally.

"Oh" Sarah said.

The door opened very quietly behind him, Sam refraining from turning around to see McNally.

"Hi" Sarah said swinging her eyes to Sam and then over his shoulder and then back to him. He could tell that she was trying to get a read on him now that McNally was back. But that was not going to happen because he wasn't going to let it.

"I'm just going to..." McNally mumbled before Sam heard her walk away. Okay, it was more like stomp but anyway. Maybe ignoring her would make her see that he really was a guy she could have around.

Sarah gave Sam a hardened stare, "That was rude Sammy, you could have said hi". Sarah went back into the kitchen and left Sam standing in the middle of nowhere.

Andy took a shower and got dressed then debated climbing out the window and running back to Toronto. She really felt uncomfortable now that Sam was here, and she felt like she was intruding.

Leaving the guest bedroom Andy smelled the telltale signs that Sarah was making breakfast. It made her stomach rumble.

Stepping into the dining room, Andy found Sam seated at the table while Sarah stood hovering as she held out a plate towards him. The two were quiet, but it seemed like they were a little off too.

Sam grabbed the plate and set it down in front of himself while he continued to ignore Andy's presence.

"Just in time" Sarah said looking her way wearing a warm, welcome smile.

Andy moved to the chair next to Sam where Sarah nodded to and sat down, the air circulating the table cold and distant.

Breakfast was delicious but painstakingly brutal as Sam completely ignored Andy and ate in silence. He wanted the salt, which was in front of Andy, but he asked Sarah to pass it. When she gave him a cold glare, he leaned over the table and reached out for it on his own.

When they were done eating Andy jumped up and started clearing the table. Sarah shook her head as she followed Andy to the kitchen mouthing 'sorry' when they were alone.

Sam disappeared for a while after that, but soon the game sounded from the TV in the lounge so he was back and quite content to leave them alone.

Sam sat staring at the screen cursing himself for being more of an idiot than he had been in the past. He was giving McNally the cold shoulder even though she didn't deserve it. It seemed to really catch her off guard and it struck a deep cord if her face was anything to go by.

Maybe he'd done it in the past and maybe he had been wrong doing it then too. Now it had been done innocently, in a way to make her sort of miss him if that was possible but it hadn't gone according to plan at all.

Instead he watched her pull into her shell, all sorts of defenses slamming up in front of his eyes.

Sarah came out the kitchen and stopped just a little to Sam's left before she headed towards the back of the house where her study was.

Sam took it as a sign that she was giving him room to maneuver and go and apologize to McNally.

Sam didn't think it over, he just acted.

He moved into the kitchen, McNally absorbed in drying a pan with the dish cloth as she stared vacantly at it.

"I didn't mean..." Sam stopped talking when McNally jumped and faced him, her hands still managing to hold on to the pan.

"It's okay Sam, I know that you don't like me or anyone intruding into your personal life" McNally's tone was slithering just under a hiss like she was mad, but not at him.

"It's not that Andy, it's...". Sam shoved his hands into his pockets feeling like he couldn't turn his words around to come out right.

"It doesn't matter Sam, I shouldn't be here".

"You should Andy, she needs friends like you" Sam argued. His words seemed to have the smallest of a calming effect on her, some of her fierceness fading away.

Andy.

It was twice in minutes that her first name had so easily rolled over his tongue, and it felt surprisingly good to say it.

Andy seemed stuck on staring at him, her face revealing that she had questions that she didn't want to pass her lips.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you". Sam mumbled before looking down as he let his head fall in shame.

Yup, he was totally ashamed of his behavior right now.

"We've been there Sam, we've gone through that before, and I just can't go there again". Andy's mouth closed when she noticed how intrigued Sam was listening to her.

Crap, she let it slip out that he'd done that before.

"Why did I do it?". Sam's voice showed strains of confusion as well as a little off key that could be labeled annoyance.

Why in the hell would he ever ignore Andy to such an extent that doing it for ten minutes got her so riled up?

"Nothing okay, it was me". Andy's mind flashed over the six weeks he spent ignoring her after he broke up with her. Those ten minutes spent reliving it were enough to make her feel like this was her punishment for some unknown crime that she had committed in another lifetime.

Andy set the pan down on the counter and hung the dish cloth over the side of the sink. Side stepping Sam was her original plan, but he stepped to the side in the doorway and filled the space so that she had nowhere to go.

"Andy, talk to me, tell me what I did, because right now I have nothing to go on and no idea what happened".

Andy had to look away in that instant. She was hanging by a thin thread. She was so close to just telling him all of it, regardless of the consequences.

Giving up, Andy crossed her arms over her chest and let out a defeated whine.

"Sam you..."

******Thanks for reading!**

**So who wants to guess what Andy's going to say?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	20. Incurable

**As always, you know what I'm going to say here, so moving on... Ps, thanks anyway!**

**So, there's like another 20 chapters of this fic to go, with quite a few twists & turns, & plenty of surprises, so hope you'll be around for the duration! **

**Chapter 20- Incurable. **

"Sam you... We have **bad **history okay"

Andy said so quietly, an emphasis on **BAD.**

Sam froze.

That option had never been considered.

Well, not the Bad before the history anyway.

"Did I...?"

"What? No". Andy knew that he thought maybe he had screwed around, but that had never been something that crossed her mind. In that department, her trust in him had never even flickered, there she trusted him undeniably. Sam would NEVER do that, not to anyone, not ever.

Sam was struggling, like really battling to even take a breath right now. He knew that they had history, he just never expected it to be bad history.

Just when Andy was ready to give in and tell Sam everything, Sarah cleared her throat and made her presence behind Sam known.

"Am I interrupting something?" She asked when Sam made room for her to move into the kitchen.

Andy shook her head and looked away, Sam looked up at the roof like it was going to give him the answer's he needed.

"Are you busy? Can we maybe pick out something for me to wear to my... Thing later?" Sarah wasn't really asking, and Andy knew it. In a way Sarah was rescuing her, but in another she knew that she was in trouble for nearly giving in to temptation and spilling the beans. Sarah had probably seen her give up and give into the temptation of wanting to get everything over with.

"Yeah sure" Andy let Sarah lead the way to her bedroom where the door was closed as soon as they were inside.

"What happened in there?" Sarah asked looking like she felt bad for Andy's sake. She sounded conflicted, so Andy wasn't sure if it was concern for her or Sam that gave Sarah a worried expression.

"I shouldn't be here Sarah. Him ignoring me hit a nerve and he saw it. I nearly told him everything, can you imagine how that would have gone?" Andy sat down on Sarah's bed needing to find some stability to keep her up.

"Hey, I don't blame you for wanting to tell him, I want to. But we can't Andy, he won't take it that well. And as for you being here, you were invited, he just showed up unannounced..."

"He's your brother, he's allowed to do that" Andy mumbled.

"Yeah he is, but he can't walk in here and screw our weekend up".

"He didn't, I did. I should have let it go, but reliving that was just a little hard because this is his territory, I'm out of my depth here".

Sarah stared at Andy when she realized that Andy was uncomfortable being here while Sam was here. She didn't feel like she belonged here.

"I need to go home" Andy said standing up.

"No, you need to stay. Look I have the talk to go to, and I'm not taking Sam, so that means..."

Sarah cringed as she dropped her sentence.

"You're leaving me here with Sam? Now I really need to go. I'll take a bus... Ow".

Sarah slapped Andy's hand just as she was waving it around in the air aimlessly when she noticed that Andy was zoning out on her.

"Sorry, now that you're back with me, you're not taking a bus home. Sam probably won't even stay, I've only got one spare room and you're already here so he'll probably leave later".

Andy was shifting around uncomfortably, she really wanted to just be somewhere else right now.

"Please stay".

Andy nodded, Sarah was most likely right.

"He knows there's more Sarah, he knows...". Andy trailed off looking really remorseful.

Sarah smiled, "I know". Of course she saw that Sam knew that there was more, but she guessed that Andy was really taking strain and her cracks were starting to show.

"I feel selfish". Andy blurted.

"I know, and I get it. But we can't force Sam to remember. He's piecing it together at his own pace, he's getting there". Sarah always managed to sound so positive and bubbly.

"I know, but it doesn't make it any easier Sarah.

Every action has a reaction right? But I feel like I'm still screwing it up, like my reactions are wrong, like they're creating havoc and chaos and making things worse, making it harder because I don't know how to react anymore. Everything I say and do makes me feel selfish and this push pull is driving me crazy".

Sarah crossed her arms and still stood smiling at Andy, who seemed oblivious to the obvious.

She either still loved Sam, or or she was falling in love with him all over again.

After helping Sarah pick out an outfit they left her bedroom and moved back into the lounge just as Sam come out the kitchen carrying a cup of coffee and sipping on it.

Sarah took a detour towards the kitchen with the same thought in mind when she smelled the coffee.

Andy looked away from Sam when he looked at her over the rim of his cup.

The moment was really awkward. She could tell that Sam wanted to apologize again, but she didn't want him too. He didn't need too, she just got a little upset because this was finally starting to take a strain on her. That was the reason she took Sarah up on her offer to be here this weekend. It was a chance to be there for Sarah and to get away from it all, and away from Sam.

She wanted him to have some space too.

Andy turned to follow Sarah and tripped over something when her foot got stuck. Sending her hands out to stop herself from sprawling face first onto Sarah's floor, Andy felt herself get yanked back and steadied as Sam's hand wrapped around her arm and the other around her waist. Sam's reactions were so fast that she hadn't even seen him move.

As soon as the moving motions stopped Andy stepped away from Sam as quickly as she could, Sam's hands retracting so fast that they almost blurred.

Looking down Andy saw Sam's bag that had somehow gotten her foot tangled up, resting behind the couch. Next to it was a shattered cup of coffee leaking all over the floor.

"Sorry" Andy mumbled before backing all the way out of the room and going in search of something to clean the mess up with in the bathroom.

"She tripped" Sam said in his own defense before bending down to pick up the shards of broken glass.

When he stood up Sarah was wearing a fierce look. "What are you doing Sam? She needs a little space so let her have it". Sarah barked out.

But why would Andy need space from him, it didn't make sense.

"Look I didn't know she was going to be here okay, I came to see you. I asked her out a couple weeks ago and she said no..." Sam stopped talking, he had no idea why he just said that.

"Oh Sam". Sarah sighed. It looked like Andy wasn't the only one falling.

"Look I have something to do later okay, I'm going to take Andy out now and when we get home you're going to be gone, got it?". This time Sarah sounded like she didn't enjoy kicking him out of her house.

"No Sar, I really don't get it. Why does she need space from me? What did I do to her that was so bad that she can't look me in the eye for more than one second and why is she so different?". Sam knew that he was asking the wrong person the right questions, but still, he needed to get them out.

Watching Sarah told him that she knew, she knew about whatever it was that had happened.

"And I'm staying" he added before going to throw the glass in the trash.

"Sammy, she's dealing with stuff okay, you need to back off and leave her alone".

That left Sam struggling to think straight.

Was Andy okay? Was she in trouble?

But he couldn't leave her alone. He was inexplicably drawn to her, and he had no idea how to explain it. It was just the way it had always been. It was there even before his accident.

"If you stay, she'll leave" Sarah said before walking away and leaving Sam to his own thoughts.

"You okay?" Sarah asked when she found Andy in the bathroom.

"Yeah, fine"

"Okay, well to make you even better, let's go shopping". Sarah said finding her happy face.

...

They spent the day out at the local mall, they had lunch at a cute little restaurant and each of them bought a few odds and ends.

Sarah hoped that by the time they went home that Sam was gone. She really had to go tonight, and didn't want to leave Sam and Andy alone after this morning.

Pulling into the driveway Sarah surprised Andy by letting out a string of curses before apologizing when she saw Sam's truck still parked outside the second garage door.

"It's okay, I'll be fine" Andy shrugged.

"You can come with me" Sarah said but knew that Andy wouldn't go for it. She was having a bad day, and going to a stressful troubled teen meeting wasn't on the cards for her. Not today anyway.

"I know but I don't think..." Andy shook her head slightly. "Sorry".

"It's okay, I get it. Let's get dinner sorted I only have an hour before I need to leave".

Sam wasn't in sight when they went inside, Andy really thrilled at that. She wasn't quite ready to face him even though she knew that she would have to.

Sarah disappeared down the hall towards her bedroom so Andy followed and set her bags down in the spare room next to her duffle bag. She hadn't brought much, just some new slippers and a pair of shorts and a matching shirt.

When a soft rap on the door sounded through the room Andy looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway.

"Will you stay if I make you dinner?". Sam was leaning against the door frame looking really hopeful, when he asked that. Sarah must have told him that she wanted to leave.

Seeing Sam look at her like that she couldn't say no, so she nodded faintly and didn't say anything.

Sam pushed off the door frame and moved down the hall when a flimsy memory crashed to mind.

Andy was walking really briskly like she wanted to get away and then Sam heard his own voice _'I'll make you dinner and take out your garbage'_. It almost sounded like he was making her a promise when he said that. But in the flash of images, she still walked away.

Sam stopped and looked back into the spare bedroom where Andy was looking at him. She could tell that he remembered something, and she was guessing that it had something to do with her. She was chewing on her lip and seemed nervous, but Sam didn't want her to know what he'd seen so he shrugged and then resumed his strides down the hall.

When Andy left with Sarah, Sam had seriously thought about leaving Sarah's and going home.

He could tell that his presence had shaken Andy up and that she had something on her mind but he never planned on it going sideways.

He had really meant the ignoring to be a way of making her come to him, he never, ever thought that she would shut down because of it.

But then he thought over Sarah telling him that Andy was working through some stuff, and he wanted to be there for her, it didn't matter what the stuff was. He just wanted her to know that he'd be there no matter what happened, or what she needed.

Andy.

Weird how she shifted from McNally to Andy, even in his mind. McNally just didn't feel right anymore.

Everything was running through his mind making him feel like he would race up to a hundred and then slam on brakes. It was just the worst thing ever, even worse than the not knowing.

Sam had gone to the closest store when the women left and got a few things hoping that Andy would stay so that he could make her dinner. He just really wanted too, no scratch that, he needed to and now it seemed like his little flash was the explanation as to why. He promised her sometime that he would, so he would. Besides, just because they had bad history didn't mean that they couldn't fix it right? It sure didn't mean that he was ready to give up.

Sam set out getting everything ready in the kitchen when Sarah stuck her head in looking dressed to kill.

"Hot date?" Sam asked after giving her a once over.

"Something like that, listen Sam, I'm sorry about earlier I know you're having a tough time but everyone around you has issues to work through too. Andy's got her own, so don't give her a hard time okay". Sarah wasn't asking Sam, she was telling him not too.

"I won't" Sam said really meaning it.

"Can we maybe have some beers? You're out..." That felt so weird to actually ask her, but Sarah had been clean and sober for going on seven years he wouldn't dare bring alcohol into her house to tempt her into turning back to that kind of life.

"Sure, just put the bottles in the outside trashcan". Sarah smiled. This was a new stepping stone for them. The guilt was still there from when Sam had been in the hospital, but for some reason it was bearable now. The fact that she had slipped was no longer a nagging groan in the back of her mind.

"Okay, see you later, and behave" Sarah said stepping up to Sam and giving him a peck on the cheek. "Oh, she's out back" Sarah said before leaving after eyeing the food supply that Sam had stacked onto the counter ready to put in the fridge.

Sam did a few odds and ends before putting the food into the fridge, it was too early to start dinner so he had to find something else to do, like maybe break the ice with Andy.

Grabbing his keys Sam left Sarah's and went the few blocks to the liquor store where he got a few beers and headed back. It wasn't far so Andy probably wouldn't even know that he was gone.

Sam found Andy sitting in the final streaks of sunlight on the swing-chair on the back porch. He had built the chair for Sarah when she bought the house and she had kept it ever since then.

Holding a beer out towards Andy he saw her frantic gaze and he bit back a chuckle. If she looked frantic at the sight of alcohol in Sarah's house then Sarah had told her about her past.

"She's not here and she said it's okay" Sam said before Andy reached out and took the bottle although it was hesitantly.

"Can we _not_ be weird" Sam said after sitting down on the swing next to Andy.

"We're not" Andy said smiling when she remembered the same conversation being had between them, only it had been in reverse.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean it" Sam said turning to look at her. Andy hadn't looked at him yet, but he wanted her to see him look at her when he apologized.

"It's my fault Sam, I should be sorry" Andy said facing him.

"Should be?" Sam tried to lighten the mood by taking a jab at her word phrasing.

"I _am_ sorry Sam" Andy said really quietly.

They sat in silence for a while after that, neither of them really feeling the need to say something.

When their beers were finished, Sam went to get two more and handed Andy her new one to receive a grin. She really was beautiful when she smiled.

Sam cleared his throat and looked away from her when he realized that he was openly staring and his mind was wondering where it shouldn't go.

"You okay?" He just threw it out there still not having a clue what was on Andy's mind that had her so torn.

Andy looked at him a little confused so he added an explanation "Sar said you were working through some issues". He took a long sip of his beer after saying that.

"Oh, yeah it's fine, I'm fine".

Sam arched his eyebrows at her use of fine.

"Really I'm okay. It's just some stuff. But it's better now".

"Okay" Sam said looking back out over Sarah's yard. She really needed to cut the grass.

After they finished their second beers Sam got up and didn't come back, so Andy went looking for him.

She found him in the kitchen a delicious smell wafting through the air.

"Need any help?" She asked when she was close enough but Sam shook his head.

"I can..."

"Nope, I seem to remember that I said I'd make you dinner. Before today?" Sam said just to test the water on that memory.

Andy looked like she'd seen a ghost, her skin paling ever so slightly.

"Yeah" she said trying to keep an even tone. "So, that's what you remembered earlier?".

She looked so uncomfortable that Sam regretted mentioning it.

"Yup, just that piece".

"Oh".

"Sit down Andy, I'm okay". Sam nodded towards the couch just to get her to go and get some space. She really looked like she needed it.

Half an hour later Sam came into the lounge wiping his hands on a dish cloth and smiling before nodding towards the kitchen.

"Wanna eat?".

"Sure" Andy said then followed Sam into the kitchen where he handed her a plate.

Wow was the only thought that came to mind. Sam had made a creamy sauce pasta with mushrooms and cheese and grilled chicken, garlic bread and salad.

"What? You looked hungry" Sam joked when Andy looked his way before reaching passed him to grab a spoon.

"Not _that _hungry, but still" Sam said when her face turned from a smile into a scrunched up, creased expression.

"Thank you" Andy said when he held out a fork when she was done dishing up for herself.

She took a step away and then took a step back and held out her hand, Sam placing the small bowl of grated cheese into it.

He knew that whenever he made pasta, she wanted cheese.

Okay, that was weird. How come he made her pasta? And how did he know that she wanted cheese on it?

"Thanks" Andy was gone after that, back to the lounge.

Sam took a minute to collect his thoughts while he dished up for himself, but they didn't go really far.

They ate in silence while Andy kept watching whatever it was that she had been watching. Sam would occasionally attempt to look her way, but it was kind of hard to do in stealth when he was sitting right next to her.

When he was done, Andy reached out and took his plate before he had the chance to stand up "I'll clean up. Thank you Sam, that was delicious".

Andy backed away, Sam knowing that she'd get a surprise when she got to the kitchen. The only cleaning up would be the plates in her hands and putting the leftovers in the fridge when they were cold.

It wasn't long before she was back, her failure to say anything a dead giveaway that she had been expecting him to have left the dishes for her.

Andy sat back down and turned to face Sam, a timid blush creeping up her cheeks as she did. But just as Sam was about to say something she looked away again.

Sam held the remote out for her to take but she declined, she was quite content to watch what he had been watching.

They watched the rest of the movie in silence, Andy just happy that they had finally moved a step up from this morning.

Sam felt Andy shift around next to him and his eyes opened to find her head on his shoulder her own eyes closed as she slept.

She could so not be comfortable in that position.

Sam made an attempt to move, but Andy had snuggled up to him so he was going to wake her up if he moved. They had both fallen asleep sometime during the second movie and her movements had startled him.

Looking down at Andy it was the first time that he had seen her look so peaceful.

Her brows were free of their crease lines and her lips were curved up at the edges like she was smiling in her sleep.

The sight was truly beautiful.

Sam sat and watched her sleep for a while then wondered if Sarah was home yet or not, then he wondered what the time was.

Reaching for the remote he moved a little and Andy sighed what sounded like an _'uh-hu'_ out making Sam leave the remote where it was. She seemed to curl herself closer to him like she thought he was going to move away.

When he sat back and slouched down a little Andy crept even closer with her head moving down to the crook of his arm and his chest.

His arm was wrapped behind her like he had been holding her close while they slept, his hand resting on her side to hold her in place.

And it felt incredibly okay to him that they were in this position. It felt just like he thought it would.

Inhaling the smell of her shampoo, Sam recognized the scent from somewhere but couldn't place it so he put it down to being in the cruiser with her so often. It would stand to reason that he would smell her shampoo and cream and perfume.

Andy's arm moved and her hand went to rest on his leg like she wanted to hold him down, it was as though she could sense that he wanted to move even though she was sleeping.

And yet, even though he knew he should, he just didn't want too.

Sam watched her a little more before sighing and accepting the fact that in the morning he would face her fierceness and a stiff neck, but he wasn't ready to let her go just yet, when he finally had her this close and it felt right.

Andy grumbled something illegible in her sleep and then sighed, Sam content to listen to her even if he couldn't make out what she was saying.

Maybe waking up like this, she'd finally see that there was definitely something there, something between them.

And he didn't mean the electrifying chemistry, or the incurable attraction.

It was something way beyond that.

"Go back to sleep" Andy said it more clearly this time, Sam's eyes opening to look down at her still pretty much asleep.

He was tempted to say something but didn't, he didn't want to break the spell.

Closing his eyes, Sam heard Andy mumble a _'thank you'_ before she settled back down. She was thanking him for keeping still, or staying or a combination of both. Or maybe it was just for something completely random.

He could so easily marry this girl.

*****nice to see you down here! So how was that ending? **

**Let me know if you're still here!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	21. Stomp

**Welcome back, thank you for all the amazing comments to chapter 20 & those of you reading & reviewing This is what it feels like too!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars! Welcome to the new names I see popping up!**

**I started a Twilight Fic too, for any of you that like that Fandom, so see you over there...**

**Chapter 21- Stomp. **

He could so easily marry this girl.

_**Wait, what?**_

Even though he didn't want to wake her up, he had to move and he had to do it right now.

Somehow, when the **M **word flew to mind on a whimsical thought, it seemed to do more than just scare the crap out of him because he suddenly **knew** that this was not the first time that; **that** thought had come to mind.

"Andy" Sam whispered and shook her shoulder lightly to get a "urg" from her.

"Andy, you need to wake up and go to bed". He tried again.

"Okay Sam". She mumbled but stayed put.

"Andy, we're at Sarah's sleeping on the couch and I..." Sam's words cut off into a little chuckle.

Imagine her face if he had finished that sentence and told her what had been going on in his head.

Andy bolted upright into a sitting position, her wide eyes staring at him.

"Sorry" she said as her skin changed to scarlet.

"I wasn't complaining" Sam said not really sure where his mind had gone, because it had definitely deserted him.

"I should..." Andy said waving towards the back of the couch at nothing in particular.

"Yeah" Sam said in agreement even if he didn't know what the rest of that sentence was.

Andy stood up and walked away, Sam letting out a frustrated sigh as he ran a hand over his face.

**Marriage?**

Seriously?

He didn't even really know her and that thought was rattling around in his brain.

Sam dropped his head onto the back of the couch and let his mind get swept away by what he did know.

He knew that two years of his life was missing, and he knew that he'd been injured saving Andy when that happened. He knew that Oliver had told him to talk to Andy even when she was still his rookie. He knew that they'd been partners for two years before his accident, maybe longer. He knew that he had been waiting for her while she got over her break up with Callaghan.

What? Where was this all coming from?

Waited for her?

Okay, life had just sped up rapidly and there was no way of stopping it, or slowing it down.

Sam let out a groan when one last thought came to mind. He was in trouble.

Sarah's front door chose that moment to open cutting Sam's trail of thought off at the root.

"Hi" she said sounding so cheery before hitting the lights and flooding the room while Sam blinked at the sudden sharpness as he opened his eyes into slits and looked at her sternly.

"Sorry, why didn't you get linen out the closet?" Sarah asked when she saw Sam's reaction. Obviously she thought that he was sleeping and hopefully she wouldn't notice his major nervous breakdown happening.

He couldn't face an interrogation right now.

"You're back" Andy said from the lounge doorway, Sam looking up to find her freshly showered and clutching a blanket and pillow.

Had she actually even been gone that long?

Sam got up, took hold of the blanket and pillow, nodded at her and went back to the couch where he dropped the linen onto the it and sat down next to the bundle in silence. His sudden brooding mood left the room quiet as Sarah and Andy shared a look.

Andy shrugged and left the room, Sarah stood scowling at him again. "Sam" she scolded.

"What Sar? I'm tired okay, I need to get some sleep" Sam said pulling his shirt up and over his head. It was hot, and it wasn't helping his agitated mood. Neither was his tiredness due to a constant lack of sleep.

"You are such a jerk" Sarah said before slamming her hand against the wall and dropping the room back into darkness.

Of course he was. He was a total jerk because he didn't want Andy sleeping on the couch when there was a perfectly good bed down the hallway. And he somehow just knew that she'd try and pull the 'I'll sleep on the couch' card.

Sam spent hours trying to sleep but it eluded him until he had; had enough. He with trying to come to terms with his epiphany but he just couldn't seem to accept it.

He was irrevocably and undeniably in love with Andy and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it, except never let her find out.

She could **never** know. End of story.

He figured it was something that had always been there, he was just in denial of it for so long that when it resurfaced; it hit him hard.

Sam sat up, and dropped his feet to the floor before looking for his shirt. He tugged it on and grabbed the pillow off the couch before making his way down the hallway and opening the last door on the left.

He somehow knew that Andy would be awake and that she would know it was him, so he just walked in and closed the door behind himself as quietly as he had opened it.

He set the pillow down on his side of the bed and looked Andy's way to see her feigning sleep even in the dark. He could tell that she was awake by her irregular breathing.

Sitting down on the end of the bed Sam nearly let out a dry chuckle. **His side of the bed**. She slept on the left, so that made his the right. Even at home alone, he slept on the right side of the bed.

How perfect was that?

Getting comfortable Sam tried to shift around as little as possible without disturbing Andy too much.

She was still laying on her stomach, her face buried in her pillows so he couldn't see it.

Sam tucked one arm in behind his head and kept looking at Andy even though he couldn't see much in the dark.

"I just need some sleep" he eventually whispered into the night knowing that she'd hear him. He just wanted her to know that he was just here to share the bed and get some sleep.

Sleep, like that was going to happen with her right there next to him.

...

Sam woke up around dawn, the small edges of the curtains lit up by the sunrise.

He had expected to find Andy wrapped around him, or curled up next to him but she was still asleep on the far end of the bed, huddled up on her own. Or maybe he had just been hoping that it would be how he woke up next to her.

She was facing him this time though, his eyes settling in on her face.

So this was what it felt like waking up next to her? When she was really there and it wasn't a figment of his imagination.

But it felt wrong. It was not the way he wanted it to be at all.

Watching her some more Sam was tempted to brush the few stray strands of hair across her face away but he refrained. He didn't want to wake her up just yet, not when he could still watch her for a while.

The second time that Sam woke up his eyes shifted over to find empty pillows next to him. But he figured that would happen.

He got up and went to the lounge, grabbed his bag and went for a long, cold shower.

The heat was still driving him insane, but he couldn't even remember the last time he'd had such a good nights sleep.

When he was done in the shower and dressed, Sam found Sarah and Andy sitting on the swing-chair eating fruit and yogurt for breakfast, both of them still clad in their pajamas. Andy had probably left hers on because rummaging for her clothes would have woken him up.

"Sleep well?" Andy asked, her voice a little more high pitched than normal.

"Yeah thanks" Sam said smirking at her. If only she knew.

Sam left them alone and went in search of a bottle of water, Sarah's eyes following him as he left.

"Something's changed. He's...different" she said out aloud to no-one in particular.

Sam was very different from when he had arrived yesterday.

Andy didn't answer, she knew why. Sam was still pissed at her and it was making him moody.

Not that she even knew why.

This morning when she woke up, he was still fast asleep, only thing was, he was wrapped around her while still sleeping.

It had taken her a while to figure out where she was and who was next to her, but when she did, she felt like laughing and crying at the same time.

Sam had cuddled up behind her and was holding her so tightly that it took her the better part of half an hour to slip out of bed without waking him up.

When she was finally out of bed, all she could do was stand and stare at his sleeping form while wondering what the hell she was doing.

How was it even possible for the wrong things to feel so right?

"So, what time do you think he's planning on leaving?" Andy suddenly blurted out. It made sense that she drive home with Sam rather than both Sam and Sarah making the trip.

"Knowing Sammy, as soon as you're ready".

An hour later Andy was dressed and packed and ready to go. Sam had taken her bags from her at Sarah's front door and put them in the truck along with his own and then he came back and said his goodbye to Sarah.

Andy lingered when Sam walked to the truck, her own goodbye a little longer than his. Sarah even gave her a hug goodbye.

...

Not one single word.

Not one glance, just total complete silence except for the voices on the radio.

The entire drive home, she hadn't said a thing.

That was a solid, silent two hours and he was about to lose it and beg her to say something just so that he would know that she wasn't mad at him.

Stopping outside her building Sam got out and so did Andy, he handed her bags over to her hoping to at least get a smile.

Which he did, she even said a timid thank you when she took them.

Watching her walk away Sam shook his head and ran his tongue over the inside of his cheek. He had totally screwed this up way more than it already was. Everything was just so...complicated.

...

Monday came and Sam made his way to the barn a little early. They had the night shift, but he needed to talk to Frank after a sleepless night spent thinking about where he would go from here.

He had forced any resurfacing memories out of his mind, not wanting to see any more of a past that probably looked as screwed up as his present. He also didn't have any of his usual dreams. It was the second night in a row, and he figured it was probably due to the fact that his brain had figured out what his heart had been trying to tell him all along.

Sam found Frank in his office huddled over a pile of paperwork. Frank's brows dipped when he noticed Sam mood. It wasn't a happy one and proceeded him by miles.

"Got a minute?" Sam asked when he had closed the door.

"Sure, what's on your mind?".

"I want to change rotations" Sam said straight to the point.

"Really? To what rotation?" Frank didn't hide his surprise.

"Back to the D's".

"Really? Why?".

Sam scratched the back of his head, he knew that this question would come up. Now he just had to answer it.

"McNally". Oh boy, that just sounded so wrong. It wasn't her fault but he was making it sound like it was.

"You always say keep your personal life at home because it can get you killed, this is me doing exactly that... without the personal".

"Could you simplify that for me?" Frank asked leaning forwards. Sam's thoughts were only in his head so Frank wasn't privy to them.

"I can't do this anymore Frank. We both showed up at Sarah's this weekend, and it did not go well. I don't have my head in the game, and I can't focus on the job. It's going to get her hurt or killed".

"Sammy, that's how it's always been with you and McNally, what's changed? Has it become personal? Or are you avoiding it from becoming personal?".

Sam's searched for answers but didn't have any, so he looked across the barn and watched a few faces come in for shift.

"Both, none. I don't know Frank. I... I'm just not in a good place right now, and I don't want to drag her down with me".

Frank watched Sam, he was serious but he was also only being open enough for Frank to understand.

"Okay, but what are you going to tell her?"

"I'm not. You're just going to announce it in parade".

Sam left Frank's office and hit the gym. He spent an hour going a few rounds with a punching bag while he again suppressed memories from surfacing. But it didn't stop the flashes that still appeared.

Andy.

The boxing bag.

Him making her laugh.

_'Hit me'._

When he was done he grabbed a quick shower before making his way to parade in time to bite the bullet.

Andy stiffened in her chair when he walked in. She didn't turn around or see him, but she knew that he was there.

Frank started parade and drifted over everything before he said "Assignments are on the board" before almost stepping away from the front of the room. "Oh and Swarek's back on rotation with the D's so McNally you're with Collins" Frank said before making a hasty retreat from the room.

Sam ducked out the room before Andy was out of her chair, he guessed that she was about to become really mad at him if she hadn't been before.

Getting coffee Sam heard her come in, she had the softest footsteps he'd ever heard, unless she was stomping. Even in uniform she managed to run almost silently. It was like she was always treading air, or walking on clouds.

"Really? _Really_?" She said from out of Sam's line of vision.

"Yup" Sam said turning around and holding out a cup to her. He'd made one out of force of habit, but was planning on taking it to her as a peace offering.

Andy looked between the cup Sam was holding and his face, her face casting so many things at once that Sam couldn't keep up.

"It's not what you think Andy, trust me".

"Trust you? Sam I don't even know you anymore" Andy shook her head towards the cup, she wasn't accepting his peace offering or his apology.

And that hurt.

But one day maybe, she'd know that the only reason that he was doing this was because it was best for her, safe for her and because if anything happened to her because of him, he'd never forgive himself.

Sam had no choice but to watch her go, Collins meeting her in the hallway before he followed Andy out of the barn.

Why did that image just not sit right?

******so, good, bad? Thanks for reading, hope you'll leave a thought...**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	22. Square One

**Thank you all for your amazing comments! & all the follows!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**Chapter 22- Square One. **

Sam was easing back into the new rotation with no problem except for the looks that Nash kept shoving his way.

He was partnered with her, and had all trust in her ability to do her job, but when it came to her friendship with Andy, um McNally, she seemed to take sides hands down with McNally without even knowing his side of the story.

She kept giving him cold glares like she was in on his secret and he actually didn't need to tell her his side, because she didn't want to hear it.

"Will you stop" Sam growled out before he could stop himself.

"You know, I like you Sam. You're a good guy, a good friend, and you got Leo back but seriously? You need help". Nash whispered it into his ear when he was watching McNally and Collins get back into their cruiser and leave a scene after they were cleared to return to patrol when another call came in.

Nash bumped shoulders with him, like she was trying to give him a nudge in the right direction, but it wasn't going to help.

"Watching you loose Jerry was hard Sam, but watching you loose her twice is just stupidity" Nash said and then walked away despite Sam calling her name repeatedly.

Traci watched Sam watch Andy leave. Things between them had shifted and Andy wouldn't talk about it but Traci knew that things were not good right now. And she was tired of it, tired of watching them both pull themselves apart.

So she bent the rules by giving Sam a clue, she wasn't allowed to tell him in detail, but hopefully the word _'twice'_ would be enough to give him the push he needed.

Sam's mind was reeling.

_Twice. _

**Twice. **

Loose her twice?

How was it even possible that he had her and lost her the first time? If he had her, he would never let her go. Would he?

_'I can't be a cop and be with you'_ sprang to mind, Sam nearly choking on a breath as he inhaled.

Had he really said that to her? Well it was true, he meant it, even now. That why he was doing this.

But still, twice?

And she never said anything, or even said it was more than nothing? And she backed away when he asked her out?

Sam wrapped the scene up with Nash before making his way back to the barn with her. They were three blocks away when dispatch called an "Officer down, unit 1519 needs back up" call over the radio making Sam's life freeze.

It was Andy's unit.

The address followed and Sam hit the gas while Nash flipped the blue light on the dash board on and then the siren. She radioed their response and then sat back and enjoyed the adrenaline rush that coursed through her as Sam sped across town like a lunatic.

When Sam pulled up at the given address his heart was thundering in his rib cage so loudly that he didn't hear anything else.

He was out of the car and running to where he saw a row of onlookers being nosy, even though he couldn't see anything but their backs, he knew it was where he needed to go. There was already an ambulance and fire and rescue on scene and that scared Sam even more.

Oliver was there too, his head bopping up over those that made up the crowd, and looking Sam's way as Sam pushed through the crowd to get closer to the officer that was down, still not sure who it was.

When Collins stood up, Sam's world just stopped.

That meant that Andy was down.

Sam stopped in the middle of the crowd, his chest feeling a painful burn as he tried to keep breathing.

When he heard her whimper through the mill of voices around him, Sam broke through the crowd to find Andy sitting on the sidewalk her free hand literally tearing up the cement as her fingers crushed their grip down on to it.

A medic had her other arm blocked from Sam's view, Andy's body shielding it from sight. When the medic did something Andy looked away and Sam could see her biting her lip as her eyes welled with tears. She was in serious pain.

"It's broken, sorry gotta take you in". The medic said before backing away from Andy as he stood up.

Sam watched Andy nod, but barely. She was really struggling to keep her composure.

Collins came closer and gave Sam a look that said _'if you'd been here, this wouldn't have happened'_ before he bent down and literally scooped Andy up.

Collins jostled her around a bit ignoring her protests until she gave up when she realized that he wasn't going to put her down.

Collins carried Andy over to the stretcher waiting for her in front of an ambulance, Sam incapable of moving right now, other than to blink or take a shallow breath.

"She's okay Sam" Nash said appearing next to him out of nowhere.

Sam growled in reply and blended back into the crowd as Collins climbed up into the back of the ambulance.

But Collins' look had been pretty loud and clear, this probably wouldn't be happening if he'd stuck with his partner and had her back. But no, he abandoned her, and now she had a broken... Something.

Sam went back to the barn and threw himself into paperwork just to get his mind to focus.

He'd been doing it for an hour when Oliver appeared at his office door looking shameful.

"Thought you'd be, you know" Oliver said throwing a thumb over his shoulder. "At the hospital".

"Now why would I be there?" Sam played dumb, maybe Oliver would let something slip.

"Oh you know, McNally has a broken wrist, she's in theatre having a pin put in because her bone shattered so I just figured...". Wow Oliver could be harsh when he needed to be.

Oliver was left watching Sam walk out of the barn looking like he had the day that Jerry died.

Sam found Collins in the waiting room along with Tommy McNally and Nash. Frank was there too, a strange look passed Sam's way when he came in.

"Hi" Nash said standing up as soon as Sam was in the room. She sort of slipped in between Sam and Nick when she saw Nick move to stand up.

But Nick managed to hold himself in and he brushed passed Sam and left.

"Sam" Tommy said sounding surprised to see his daughters ex boyfriend here even though he had been kept up to date on Sam's recovery. He was well aware of the fact that Sam didn't remember dating his daughter, but still, he was here now.

"Tommy" Sam shook hands with Tommy, he was looking great, like he was keeping it on the up and up.

"She's okay" Tommy said noticing Sam's worried face. He usually didn't show much, but Tommy saw it clearly. That kind of thing couldn't be hidden, not even by Sam Swarek.

"That's good". Sam said nodding vaguely.

He found out what he wanted to know, heard it from Andy's emergency contact's mouth so he could leave now.

Sam began backing away, he needed fresh air.

"Sam, will you stay?" Tommy asked and threw Sam for a loop.

"I don't think that's a good idea" Sam stammered out.

"You and Andy having trouble?" Tommy asked without skipping a beat.

"Something like that. Nash can I talk to you?" Sam bid Tommy farewell before meeting Nash outside the waiting room.

"What happened Nash?".

"Um, Nick left Andy alone for a second Sam, and the guy jumped her, he um... He slammed her wrist into the pavement.., Sam! Sam".

Sam was beyond pissed. She saw the color drain from his face before he turned red and his anger flared.

And she had he feeling that he was going to find Nick.

She tried in vain to call Nick but he didn't answer, so she called Dov who wasn't at the barn. Great that was all Andy needed.

Sam stalked into the locker room and went straight for Collins and grabbed him by the front of his shirt before walking him backwards and slamming him into the row of lockers behind him.

"Anyone ever tell you to always have your partners back? Or how about never leaving them behind? Or alone?" Came out of Sam's mouth on a heated whisper from between clenched teeth.

"Yeah Swarek, but it's okay for you to do that? Okay for you to abandon your partner and leave her when she needs you? Real good advice coming from you" Collins bit back making Sam's grip on him slip enough so he shoved Sam back and he let go of his shirt.

"This is not over" Sam said turning and leaving the locker room before he punched Collins in the face.

Sam left the barn then, he was not in a mood to hang around anymore because there would be consequences.

He stopped at the Penny but didn't get out of his truck, he just sat there endlessly until he had drawn enough willpower to drive himself home.

Facing his fears had never been an issue for Sam, he'd never had a problem starring down the barrel of a gun pointed at his head, or feared crashing a cruiser at high speed when driving through traffic. Not even long term, high risk UC's had scared him, the higher the risk the more he had thrived under without fear.

But this was different.

This wasn't about him, it was about Andy, and this time he thought he was too late. And then there was the problem of Collins being right when he called Sam out at the scene- this probably wouldn't have happened if he'd been there.

The tugging feeling in his chest was odd, it hurt way more than he had been expecting it too. But it wasn't the first time he felt it, he'd felt it when he learned that Jerry died, and when he knew how he felt about Andy and decided to never tell her. His mind told him that he'd felt that feeling with her before, like when she was shot outside the SuperNova. But somehow he knew he'd felt it a few times after that too, felt it where the gaps still filled the void of his life.

Sam had a whiskey, just one, then he called Sarah to let her know that Andy had been hurt at work.

He really didn't want to make the call, but he knew he should so he grabbed his phone and hit speed dial until it rang in his ear.

"Sammy, this is a surprise" was her way of saying hello into the receiver. He could hear the buzz of her office in the background, so that was a good thing.

Sam cleared his throat before he spoke "Sarah".

It was all that would come out, just her name on a sad tone.

"Sammy?" She knew that something was wrong, he'd usually be friendly and a little sarcastic on the phone, but now his tone was solemn and flat. "What's wrong?". She added when silence followed her question.

"Andy, um, Andy got hurt but she's okay. She has a um, a..." Why was it so hard to say?

"She has a shattered wrist, she's in surgery or she's probably out by now, but they had to put a pin in".

Sarah gasped into his ear once he managed to get his sentences formulated and strung together.

"What do you mean _probably?_" She hissed into his ear.

"I dunno, it shouldn't take long so..."

"Where are you Sam?"

Here we go. This is where Sarah jumps down his throat, or bites his head off for leaving Andy, but she wasn't alone, and what would he be doing there anyway?

"I'm home" Sam took a sip of the whiskey. He'd avoided the ice because he just wanted to swallow the shot down.

"And where's Andy?" Sarah asked surprisingly calm.

"At the hospital" like he didn't know that already.

"So why the hell are you at home? And where were you? How could you let...".

"I bumped her". Sam said weakly while Sarah was ranting in his ear.

"You bumped her? Why the hell would you do that Sam? You need to get your shit together okay?" Sarah's voice had risen an octave, but she wasn't yelling. She never yelled. She should have become a nurse, or a teacher, she just had this stern way of talking and never yelling. That would have been a good career choice for her.

Sam knew that he had been on the force long enough to know that Sarah knew a lot of their phrases and catch words to know that saying 'bumped' would tell her he'd stopped partnering with Andy and that she would not appreciate the fact that he'd gone against what he had sworn to do by not having his partners back.

"Sam, you're my brother and I have to love you, but I like Andy and you are being a total idiot right now. She's your friend too, and you are supposed to look out for her, and be there when she needs you, so do it. Call me and let me know how she is okay? Bye". Sarah hung up on him leaving Sam feeling like he'd let her down too because he had certainly dropped Andy.

Sam waited until it was dark and passed visiting hours before he ventured back to the hospital under the cover of night. He knew that he wouldn't have a problem getting any information about where Andy was, a badge did wonders and when you wore a set of dimples you could pretty much get your own way, well most of the time anyway.

Nash and Oliver had called him a few times throughout the day, but he'd ignored the calls. They had probably been calling to check on him, or to update him on Andy, but he was fine and he guessed that she would be too.

Sam had to pull out both the dimples and the badge to find out where Andy's room was, but it eventually worked and he was shown to a room on the third floor after promising not to wake Andy up because she needed to sleep.

When he found it, he slipped inside in silence keeping his promise to himself not to wake her more than the promise he made to the nurse not to disturb her state of slumber.

And he didn't. He stayed for ten minutes, just watching her sleep while his mind went to war about the decisions that he had made, and the ones he was busy making.

He left her a short note before slipping out the door, his mind made up on where to go from here.

...

Andy woke up still feeling sick.

She had never been one to have anesthetic mix well with her body.

She had woken up a few times during the night, but that was because the pain in her arm had reached levels that she wasn't used too. She tried the whole _'I'm okay, I don't need morphine'_ thing, but that wasn't working too well, so she eventually called the nurse and asked for some.

After that, she slept like a baby.

Her cast was heavy, she'd been silently hoping that she'd get one of those new support casts, like the one Sam had gotten, but no, she had surgery so it was plaster of paris and it sucked. But at least it was pink, and not white, color was good right. Pink was nice...

She had never broken anything before, and had always imagined that it was not pleasant, but having her arm slammed into the edge of a concrete pavement repeatedly had been excruciating.

Her eyes diverted to the bedside table where she saw her phone and some juice and candy bars, Traci had obviously been here.

There were two bouquets of flowers, and some balloons and a few get well cards littering the room. She didn't even know who had been in here, she'd been so out of it.

Shifting her cast and glancing down at it, a flash of something caught Andy's eye.

**'I'm sorry' **

**S. **

It was in Sam's handwriting so he'd been here and scribbled a note on her cast.

It made her want to curse the world right now.

Everything was just going backwards and getting worse, when she had been clinging to the tiny strands of hope that they would somehow get better and that this time around things with them would be better.

She had silently hoped that he would remember more than he had by now, but somehow things were not going according to how she wanted them to go.

Sam asking her out for a drink was ... It was like everything she wanted was falling into place, but the universe was conspiring against them because the timing was more off than it had been the first time around.

And now, now he blamed himself because he changed rotations and she got hurt because she was too damned stubborn to let it go.

That's how they ended up like this...

Her stubborn streak stopped her from leaving the house when Sam took her place on the pressure plate.

Great!

They were right back where they started- square one.

*******thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it! Let me know in another awesome review?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	23. There Is Nothing Else

**Hiya, hope you're all well!**

**Thanks for joining me again & for all the awesome reviews, comments & follows!**

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 & all the newbies!**

**Chapter 22- There is nothing else. **

Sam had no idea why this even felt like it was the wrong thing to do; but it did.

His conscience was screaming that this was a bad idea while his gut was telling him to change his mind. But he still wasn't listening to either of them.

His whole life he had always listened to his gut, and hushed his conscience, but this time it just wouldn't shut up despite his attempts to quieten it down.

It was most certainly due to the fact that in less than six days he had gone from being a terminal bachelor with gaps in his life and missing memories to discovering that apparently he had; had something with his rookie, and that he was dealing with a lot more than a few emotions when it came to her.

He had no more dreams of mystery woman, and even though small memories were still filtering through, he had no more dramatic ones that effected his normal functions, nor had he had one single memory of Andy.

Memories were shifting around other people completely now, it was like his mind had refused to see anything beyond the fact that he had dumped Andy onto Collins because he wasn't coping anymore.

He blamed himself for the fact that she now had a week at home, and six riding desk after that depending on how her bones fused and the pins took. And all that information was courtesy of Sarah who called him daily to ask if he'd seen Andy yet. But his answers were always no, he wasn't ready to face her yet, and see her look at him and blame him because he hadn't been there.

"Got something on our mind?" Oliver asked.

They were at the Penny, and having drinks but that was really all that was happening at the bar. Conversation had been deemed non-existent as they sat in silence while Sam spent his drinks listening to the voices in his head.

Yup, he was totally convinced that he bordered on insanity.

Sam leaned back and fished a set of keys out of his pocket and then dropped them onto the bar in front of Oliver.

This was done a few times in the past, Sam remembering it from a few days before he left to work Brennan.

Oliver looked between Sam and the keys and said a "Hell NO" before facing Sam looking like he was torn between two worlds.

"Why? Sammy you don't need to do this, you shouldn't do this, not now". Oliver pushed the keys across the bar back to Sam before pulling his hand back still shaking his head.

"I need to do this"

"Sam the last time you did this, it didn't work out all that great, and you made a promise never to do it again". Oliver said and then looked away like he was not digesting the news all that well.

"Who'd I promise, you?" Sam tried to make it sound like a joke, but when Oliver looked back at him he could tell that it had been a serious promise.

"It doesn't matter who you promised, all I'm saying is that this is a bad idea. This will come back and haunt you" Oliver waved his hand at the keys still resting in front of Sam.

The keys were Sam's only other set of house and car keys. It had his key to his lockbox on it as well as his safety deposit box at the bank. He left them with Oliver whenever he went away and it was his insurance policy that if anything happened while he was gone that Sarah would be able to have access to what she needed in case she lost her keys.

Oliver looked away from Sam. He was so mad at him right now that he needed to consider his words before uttering them because over Thirteen years of friendship depended on it.

Sam was a really good guy, one of the best that Oliver had ever met, but right now he was being a selfish idiot because he was only thinking about himself.

Oliver knew that Sam was battling demons but he chose to face them alone because he wouldn't let anyone in, and because he didn't remember letting the only person he had ever let get that close to him, it complicated matters so much more.

"Look Ollie, I need some space here okay. I am not in a good place and I'm dragging everyone down with me. Those little blank spots in my life are still blank and yeah it's hard, but doing things that are in your control and still having it end badly, stops here".

"Sammy, McNally wasn't your fault and if you had even called her you'd know that she doesn't blame you and that she..."

"She?".

"Nevermind, but really? You're making bad decisions Sammy and this time you won't get the chance to take them back". Oliver gave Sam a pat on the shoulder after dropping some cash on the bar and slipped off his chair. Without another word Oliver was gone, leaving Sam's keys in front of him even though he knew that when the sun came up Sam would be gone. He just saw that look in Sam's eye, the one that told him that.

Andy had tried calling Sam but he never answered. She hadn't been to the barn or the Penny so she hadn't seen him in three days.

Traci had told her that Sam wasn't himself and that something was off or wrong so Andy guessed that it was because of her arm when Traci also told her that Sam and Nick got into a 'scrape' in the locker room too.

Nick had stopped by and looked fine so Andy assumed that it was thankfully just words. With Sam's temper and Nick's military background, that could have gone really badly.

Nick had said it was nothing, and Sam wasn't talking to her so Andy decided to corner Sam face to face which is how she ended up on his doorstep now, in the dark.

Andy knocked once and then the door swung open revealing Sam really not happy to find her standing on his doorstep.

"You okay?" He asked avoiding his eyes dropping down to see her cast.

Sam had finished his whiskey after Oliver walked out on him at the Penny and left his keys behind, and he'd been home for ten minutes and then McNally shows up. This was way off plan.

"I'm fine, but we need to talk" Andy worked the courage up to say that on the walk over here, her mind warning her that crossing lines the way that things were now would only cause more harm than good.

Sam had yet to move out the doorway so Andy took it as a sign that he was either busy or didn't want to talk, but she wasn't giving up.

"This wasn't your fault, so if you blame yourself you can stop okay". Andy had her arm up in the air between them, it's slow movements meant to draw Sam's attention.

Sam looked down the street, a black SUV pulling up outside his house and waiting. McNally's timing was just so wrong.

"I had you bumped back to Collins, so I'd say it was pretty much my fault" Sam said still leaning against the doorframe. Callaghan would have to wait.

"You bumped me?" Andy's tone showed that she really hadn't been expecting that to come out of his mouth, but right now it was the only ammunition he had to use. She might have suspected that he bumped her, but she hadn't ever anticipated him admitting it to her face.

"Yup" Sam's reply was dry and hoarse.

"Why?".

"Think about it Andy, after the weekend at Sarah's we have this thing hovering that isn't leaving either of us in a good place". Sam knew that phrasing it that way would be like making it sound like it was wrapped up in ribbons.

"Are we done here?" Sam asked needing to break the last few strings that still remained intact between them. If he didn't do it now, he wasn't going to follow through.

Andy seemed to feel the presence of the SUV behind her and turned to look at it before she faced Sam with tears in her eyes.

She knew what the car meant.

"Going somewhere?" Her voice was so shallow and so hushed that it made Sam hate himself right now.

"Yup" Sam said pushing off the doorframe and looking over her shoulder to acknowledge Callaghan.

"Seriously? So you're going under?".

"Andy..."Sam rubbed his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose as he stood up straight.

This was so much harder than he had anticipated, that dull ache in his chest becoming a screaming burn.

"This is me, this is what I do. There is nothing else".

Sam hated himself for saying that, but this was the best thing for everyone.

"Okay, so let's just pretend that having history repeat itself is what will always happen. If it's not you, then it's me. You're walking away to avoid everything Sam, and this time there won't be a way to undo it".

Andy sounded so fierce when she said that, but her words were barely above a whisper. She was holding back tears and Sam really felt like he was going to regret doing this, but there wasn't any other choice.

He had become a liability and that wasn't something he wanted hanging over McNally's head. She deserved better and she deserved someone that knew where they were going, and what they wanted. She didn't deserve to have him shadowing her and pulling her down when he was damaged and incapable of even thinking straight.

"Please don't do this". Andy tried one last time to ask Sam to stay without really forcing him into a corner when she knew that when he felt caged he would lash out and retaliate.

"I can't stay" Sam was done, the longer she stood there, the less he wanted to go. The more he wanted to tell her how he felt and what was going on in his head, but that just wasn't going to happen.

Andy let out some kind of whimper before she nodded, once, twice and then she was bounding down the stairs and leaving.

Sam went back inside and closed his front door before leaning against it with one hand braced on the wood. Why did it feel like he was making a mistake?

What the hell was he thinking?

Oh wait, right, he wasn't. He was doing what he thought was the right thing, even though it felt like the wrong thing and he was just acting on impulse.

Sam left his house and avoided making any kind of eye contact with Callaghan as they drove out of town.

Sam had gone to track him down after he left Andy's hospital room and found him at the barn hovering over his desk.

_"Swarek" _

_"Got anything open?" Sam had said and just threw it out there that he wanted something. _

_Anything. _

_"Nothing quick and easy" Callaghan had said leaning back in his chair. It was his way of saying that they were all red flag assignments, long term, high risk, dangerous. _

_"Nothing ever is". _

_"You don't want these" Callaghan had waved his hand over the scattered papers on his desk making Sam more determined to get one of those assignments. _

_"Right now, that's the only thing that I know how to do anymore". That was Sam's way of asking Callaghan nicely and it earned him a nod and a file tossed his way. _

_Sam picked the file up and scanned through it before dropping it back onto Callaghan's table. _

_"Lead time?"_

_"Two days" Callaghan lifted his eyebrow saying that like he was issuing Sam a challenge. _

_"Okay, I'm in" Sam accepted without hesitation or second thought. _

And now he was leaving town and trying to leave everything behind, but the raging ache in his chest seemed to have settled in and would be making the journey with him.

The time between Andy leaving Sam's house and reaching her own home passed in a blur with Sam's words circulating through her brain.

_**This is me, this is what I do. There is nothing else. **_

Finally when she thought that there was a breakthrough and they were making progress and moving on, Sam did what he always did and pushed her away before shutting her out and walking away, only this time not only did he break her heart again, but she was scared. She was scared because he wasn't Sam anymore and that could be a bad thing.

She had seen what his returning memories were doing to him, if that happened at an inconvenient time it could very well get him hurt or killed.

*****Oh boy! Seems like Sam's still screwing up don't you say? So anyway leave a thought?**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	24. Stranger in the Mirror

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**Chapter 24- Stranger in the Mirror. **

Sam rinsed his face off, the water cold against his skin. Looking up at his reflection in the mirror as he reached for the towel his eyes saw a stranger staring back at him.

Gone were the dimples that flared in his cheeks, and the warm hue his eyes had once held; the cold stare reflecting in the glass one from the person that he had become, a stranger.

When you did this long enough it became second nature. You adapted, you survived and you rolled with the punches.

It was natural born instinct that drove you, that took over every inch of your being as it willed you to get through it, get over it.

But how exactly were you supposed to get over something that you hadn't been trained to deal with, that wasn't in any manual or briefed about in any class you'd ever attended?

Simple- you didn't get over it.

That was really the only explanation that he had, the only thing he had left to go on anymore.

That was also the only reason that probably kept him sane for the two months that he had been under. He'd probably still be under if his mark hadn't overdosed on the crap that he pushed onto the streets and died.

But now he was back, and he would have to face the demons that he had created before leaving.

He had done debriefing with Callaghan and left his office to catch a shower and then he planned on heading home and calling Sarah before he tried to get a good nights sleep in his own bed.

He was just on his way out when he caught sight of McNally coming into the barn with Collins.

He couldn't help himself, he just stood off to the side watching her until Collins mentioned his return and McNally fled the room without even looking his way.

In the two minutes that Sam stood watching her, he could tell that she had changed, lost some of her innocence and her misconceived perceptions that everyone had some good in them somewhere.

Her hair was a little longer, but it still held its rich, thick tone as it hung bound together in a ponytail.

Her face held a little less of the emotion he was used to seeing on it in the past, it was hidden now like she didn't want him to bare witness to how she felt anymore. But still from the side view he had, she seemed to be wearing a mask of...nothing.

He'd gotten through the day without having her constantly lingering under his eyes; he'd been expecting the universe to taunt him that way but, apparently it had other ideas and only threw in a glimpse of her before she ran off.

But then again, that didn't mean that she was completely out of sight, out of mind. She had been a constant thorn in his thoughts for the last two months, and it really started taking its toll on him.

Now free to leave the barn, Sam hit the Penny and abandoned his thoughts of going home. Drinks sounded so much better right now anyway.

And then the taunting started when the door opened and McNally found her way in to a table at the back.

Sam looked away from her table and down at his glass, the lights overhead reflecting brightly in the amber liquid as it sloshed against the sides of the glass when he picked it up to take a sip.

He'd been trained for virtually every situation that life could throw at you; all except for one- falling in love.

Nothing prepared him for that, and when it happened, he had absolutely no idea how to handle it.

Handling Andy was something that took patience, and care like a fragile box that came with the warning- _Handle With Care._

Only he hadn't heeded the warning, and there were no instruction manuals, so really; he had no idea what to do.

Letting the warm burn of the whiskey slide its way down as he swallowed, Sam wondered where he'd lost the way to get from point A to point B without screwing it up.

How hard could it be? You chose a destination, plot your course and go with it.

Maybe that was where he went wrong, his destination had wavered and he lost the planned route. Maybe he never planned the right route? Or maybe it was never the right destination?

He'd always been a go-getter type of guy, went after what he wanted, relentlessly but that wasn't how it happened with them.

He had waited in the wings, never really knowing if he'd get a shot at something more after Callaghan screwed up, but he'd never actually gone after her. No instead he bolted at the first signs of things getting tough.

Another sip of whiskey warmed his insides as he emptied his tumbler and signaled for a refill.

Glancing warily at her table again, he couldn't help but notice how Collins had stopped looking at her with the longing gaze he had been waring over recent weeks before Sam had left.

Something between them had changed, something had evolved between them.

Sam looked away, he really wasn't built to sit and watch that unfold in front of his eyes.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he had entertained thoughts of Andy and Collins hooking up when they were under because they had chemistry, they had an undeniable bond even before they left; he had seen it.

Damn stupid memories, they always seemed to come when he least expected them, like that one now. The one that just zoomed through his mind linking Andy to Collins in a way that he didn't even want to think about. While they had been under? When was she even gone? How did he know that? Another memory...

But no matter how things appeared, Sam still had a lot of trust in her, and she wasn't seeing anyone so she was free to do whatever she wanted. How he even knew that they went under together was another unsolved mystery, but that's just how things were these days.

There were just some things that he knew, some that he felt, and some that he was scared of.

Trust. That word skidding to mind made Sam scoff.

A word that relationships were based on, the one thing that without - your relationship would wither and die.

Sam lifted his refill and took a thirsty sip when his mouth turned dry.

That was his biggest flaw. He didn't trust. Not even himself. But somehow she had managed to change that, he trusted her didn't he?

Unconditionally.

As he set his glass down on the bar, Sam looked into it to see the familiar swirl of the liquid as it moved within its restraints.

He shouldn't be judging, he had no right to when he couldn't even remember how they used to be.

Wanting something and actually having it were worlds apart. But that was the thing, once he had a shot at more with her, he didn't know how to do this, how to do them. The constant thought that he might have blown that he first time around seemed to linger, it was the reason he left and went under. Well one of them anyway.

It had always been him, he was the only one he had to worry about, to look after, then when she arrived he had this inexplicable need to protect her, to keep her safe.

And then Jerry died.

And he suddenly caught a reality check when he realized that no-one lived forever, no-one was indestructible.

And that scared him.

Before then he had never really lost anyone close to him.

He had gone through the grief and handled it wrongly because he just didn't know how to cope.

He had been mad at Andy, then mad at himself and finally mad at Jerry. He had blamed her, then himself and then Jerry too, but the truth was; none of them were to blame. He was blaming the wrong people, and the only person close to him; her. It resulted in him lashing out at her, because she cared. She tried hard enough to try and be there for him, when she was trying to be there for Nash too, and trying to deal with her own grief.

Man his mind was on a roll. He had spent the months UC pushing everything away as hard as he could and twelve hours back home and they were assaulting him savagely.

Up until now he had been watching her grow closer to Collins with each passing day before he went under, he'd been witness to Collins watching her and had seen the same look in his eyes that he knew had been in his own.

It was the look of longing, the wishful stares that were cast her way.

Just before he left, the rumors had spread that they had become a couple and were officially dating, even Peck seemed to be enthralled in that belief. In fact it was the day after Andy ended up in the hospital that he heard the rumor, he had just missed Collins at the hospital because apparently he went back and spent the night at Andy's bedside.

Sam spent the next night drinking alone at the Penny the day after he went to see Andy in the hospital, when Peck had sat down next to him and ordered two tequilas. The last time they had done this had been the night that they had kept each other company while Andy and Collins were packing bags and running off undercover in the middle of the night.

You see, every current thought tied itself up to one from the past and it was running deeper and deeper than he had ever imagined. Thinking over a simple thought now in the present made a harsh one from the past return.

That night was when he figured that maybe...just maybe they weren't rumors. Peck's cracks were starting to show and then he knew that she believed that Collins had moved on too.

He thought that things with Peck and Collins were solid, but he guessed wrong.

It was also when Sam decided that he was done playing games, done faking it; because ultimately he wasn't going to make it.

That was the difference between him and Peck. She showed how remorseful she was for screwing up but she was showing the wrong person, he on the other hand had admitted that he had screwed up, admitted how he felt to the only person that he wanted to know; and it hadn't done a thing to change anything. Admitting it to Andy in two words when he wrote them on her cast probably didn't mean a whole lot to her, but he wanted her to know that he was sorry for whatever he had done in the past, what he had done at Sarah's and what he was going to do when he left, and in the future thereafter.

Sam cast a glance back at the table behind him, this time finding Andy sitting really close to Collins while she said something into his ear. The moment between the two completely private but yet on display for the world to see.

He should have guessed that it wouldn't be long before she was off the market again, that was the thing about McNally, she was desirable but didn't even know it.

Pulling his eyes off of them when Collins looked up and gave him a heated stare, Sam cursed the world, cursed himself and cursed everything that had gone wrong.

He cursed the things that were beyond his control, the things that let his demons resurface after so many years of not having to contend with them.

He would never admit that to another living being, ever- but it didn't change the fact that he had let his own torment get in the way of his own happiness. He had finally made peace with his demons, but by now it was too late to undo the damage that had already been done.

His hand held onto the tumbler a little tighter, his brain telling him to release his hold on the glass before it shattered and he drew unwanted attention to himself.

Letting the liquid slide over his lips and setting the glass back down, Sam made a conscious decision to let her go. Right then and there, sitting at the bar of the Penny, he just decided that it wasn't worth doing this anymore.

He'd spent months watching her with Callaghan while he silently tried to deny his feelings by labeling them as anything but real feelings, he wasn't about to do it all over again. He wasn't about to watch her move on with Collins because he had forced her into a relationship with someone else when he wasn't able to hold on to her long enough to get through tough times when things went sideways. Or because he couldn't keep her close enough until he remembered everything that seemed to drive them further apart.

Yup, he totally blamed himself for her new... Whatever it was that she had with Collins.

Then again, he wasn't really in any kind of position to hold anything against her, they weren't together when he left, even if he had tried to ask her out once.

Moved on, the thought made his mouth dry out. He couldn't even term her... Whatever, as being moving on, because they had to have had something to be able to move on from it.

They had to have been the more he wanted first.

Sam looked up to find Liam standing in front of him with the last few shots left in the bottle of whiskey he held in his hand. This was a regular thing with them now, or it was for the two days before he let, Sam would drink the bottle to a certain point and then Liam would set the bottle down on the bar and leave it there for Sam to finish.

Tonight was no different, the bottle had reached its mark, so Liam was doing what he did- leaving it for Sam to finish.

Swiging the last few drops from his current drink, Sam set the glass down and lifted the bottle up to stare at his newest vice- whiskey.

It had claimed his attention over the last two months.

He had never been much of a drinker, but he was learning fast that if he didn't drink, it was harder to sleep.

Tilting the bottle and pouring half a shot Sam's hand stopped of its own accord when a small amount of liquid had been pored into the tumbler.

He was losing more of himself with each sip, more of himself with each day and if he didn't stop now, he might never stop.

Pinching his eyes closed and remembering his oath from minutes ago, Sam set the bottle down and slid it across the counter and away from himself.

If he was willing to let go, he might as well go all out and completely give up. Completely accept.

They just weren't meant to be.

Liam moved over to Sam and eyed the bottle before eyeing him, Sam letting out a harsh "Not tonight" before Liam moved away, leaving the bottle still standing in front of him anyway.

Taking one last look at the table behind him in the mirror behind the bar as he lifted the tumbler to his lips for one last sip before things changed, Sam saw the back of Andy walk out the door before it closed behind her.

Looking at Collins, Sam found him watching her too, before his head moved forwards and he let it hang down like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

But Collins felt his gaze and looked up to meet it with one of his own when he looked Sam's way.

They held the stare as Collins sat up straight and leaned back in his chair, Sam noticing a change in his expression as he moved.

What he hadn't been expecting was Collins to let out a long breath before nodding towards the door aggressively, almost like he was telling Sam to go after her.

******okay, so Sam's memories are fast-tracking back in a jumble- hopefully he'll deal with it well? **

**Thanks for reading! **

**Who's still here?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	25. Authors Note- to be removed later on

**To all the regulars & people enjoying anything I write, I'm so sorry- just ignore this A/N!**

To the dumbass reviewer that keeps posting stupid reviews- can you read?

**1- the summery says AU**

Definition of AU is alternate universe! Do you understand?

**2- its fiction-** To clarify the meaning of fiction;

1.a. An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but **has been invented.**

b. The act of **inventing such a creation or pretense.**

2. A lie.

3.a. A literary work whose content is **produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.**

b. The category of literature comprising works of this kind, **including novels and short stories.**

If I wanted to write the exact same thing as the show, I'd bore anyone reading anything I wrote to death, as well as myself, because we've all seen it. And just for the record- they're fictional characters, not real people. But you have such a bad crush on Sam (that doesn't really exist) that you're border line pshyco & slam authors & other fictional characters like Andy & Nick because you can't define the truth between reality & make-believe. & because a fic doesn't go the way you want it too.

If you don't like to read what I write, then don't. I write because I enjoy it so I really don't care if you slam me every time you review. Keep it coming, I'm a big girl.

Um, just a tip- maybe do a thorough spell check before posting reviews because- **"Evry fic you write has Sam"**- you missed the E in every, & made a few mistakes on previous reviews like the instead of they.

In this fic Nick & Andy are friends or did you miss that coz you didn't read it properly?

Lastly, I don't take too politely to you mentioning rape in a review (again) so if that's your thing take it somewhere else, because my mind is sick & twisted yes, but you know what- it doesn't hurt anyone, scar them or take something from them that they'll never get back! Rape is not a joke and quite frankly I find you worse than scum to mention that when reviewing & referring to me or anyone else as a rapist, even if it's another reviewer, or a fictional character that I'm writing.

And, if you've read 24 chapters of Forget me not to post that review then you need to either get back on your meds, or get help, or seriously just stop wasting your time & grow a pair & log in next time you review because me- I have nothing to hide, but then again you probably don't want to be slammed on your fics now do you? But you probably stopped writing, or don't write do you? I'm opting for the 1st option there.

Maybe you should get friends? They can help curb the bordem!

News flash; I don't write for you- 1 person, I write for the people that enjoy reading. So no matter what you say I won't stop & I don't really care what you think, or what you have to say because you're inconsequential to my life, even though you are entitled to your opinion. I'm making a statement because I've seen so many other fabulous authors put notes up about the same thing, & they all read the same- those derogatory personal comments- but guess what? Where I come from you're laughed at because your attention seeking is always so pathetic because you failed where others succeeded.

You have reviewed & said the same thing before- did I listen? NO!

Will I?

Let's guess what my answer to that is...

I also won't block anonymous reviews but I love the moderate review tab because poof- your stupid ass comment is gone, especially like the one you posted on 24.

We have had this conversation before, but seriously, you know what- THANK You! For taking the time to read & review. All 24 chapters that had you glued to your screen so much, that you came back again & again, & again.

Have an awesome day!

To everyone else- I love reading your reviews & pm's because they're constructive criticism- like my too & to lol.

My mothers best advise- if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all.

My advise to the bored, naïve reviewer that keeps dropping that on me- keep it coming, just maybe get something new to say?

To anyone else getting these kinds of reviews- man we're lucky & privileged that someone would waste so much time acknowledging our effect on their lives, leave a note & thank them because it's polite?

JBJ.

**PS- please don't comment on this chapter because it will be revoved- rather leave your thoughts on chapter 24? **


	26. What We have Become

**As always thanks for all your incredible reviews, I love reading them! I was overwhelmed with the love & support shown by you all, so thank you! **

**Again, my apologies for the rant in the other chapter 25!**

**To the reviewer that compared me to 'Fifty Shades', Thank You! That is by far the biggest compliment I have received (even though you tried to insult me). A comparison to a book series that sold over 70 million copies- wow, that rocked my world. **

**Please note that I am not obliged to anything, except keep posting. **

**I write, post, read & review on a phone so auto correct does tend to spell differently. I'm also South African, so my english dialect is very different from the American, or British versions. **

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727, welcome to the newbies! **

**Chapter 25- What We've Become. **

Andy let out a shaky breath as she slid into the chair next to Nick. The atmosphere around them was tense, it was tight and could snap at any moment if she allowed it to get to her.

They had complicated things for themselves and slipped, but this was the first step towards putting them back to where they had been. If she didn't try, it was never going to happen.

Besides, this was something that could still be fixed, and something worth salvaging. Friends like Nick didn't come along everyday.

Nick looked like he felt really bad for their little mister meaner, but she didn't blame him; he was just searching for himself.

Things with Gail had reached breaking point and she knew that he was just looking for an escape. They had a really bad argument, and Gail told him to walk away and never come back, so they were totally over.

Nick handed her a beer and blushed when she focused her attention on him.

It was still early, the Penny still scarcely populated but Andy was relieved for that.

"So Swarek's back" Nick stated the obvious adding a little more tension to their table. They had enough to deal with, Sam would just add more complications. So Andy nodded, she didn't have anything to say in terms of the fact that Sam was back.

When he left for UC she had spent a day accepting it and then completely cracked the following night when she went over to Traci's. She had cried, and yelled then cried and moaned. Traci had managed to get her to admit that she still loved Sam, even after how things had gone, but she was hurting again because he was walking away.

She knew that it was unfair to be mad at him, mad that he had so easily forgotten her and their history, but as Traci pointed out; Sam forgot everything and everyone from that part of his life, not just her.

It took Andy a while, but eventually she just stopped trying to not feel the way she did anymore. After all, it would be a while before he came home, so it gave her time to accept and adjust to her new found freedom.

Okay, she was relieved, and happy that he was back, and okay, but it left a dark cloud hanging over her now that he had returned.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." Nick started but couldn't finish. He just couldn't admit to the fact that he had kissed her. And that was the reason that they were here, they needed to have a little talk about what exactly they were thinking. Or what he had been thinking.

But that didn't mean that it was making it any easier.

"Nick, I get it but this" Andy waived a hand between them after putting her beer down, "is not like that".

"I know, and I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to find that out for myself, the hard way" Nick replied leaning in a little closer when Andy felt the breeze blow over her when the door to the Penny opened and someone walked in.

Andy knew who it was by the look on Nick's face when he looked over her shoulder.

Gail had just walked in.

Andy saw Nick glare at Sam who was dearly interested in their conversation in the mirrors behind the bar. She just wished that they would stop.

"Don't okay, I don't want to make this any more complicated than it already is" Andy put her hand on Nick's shoulder so that he would stop watching Sam and pay attention to her instead. She didn't want any attention drawn to them right now and Sam and Gail showing up had just made everything a lot harder.

"It's not complicated Andy" Nick stated.

"It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry. Things with Gail just made no sense and I guess that I was looking for a way out? I don't even know why I did it". He added trying to clear the air between them.

Andy was listening to Nick, but she couldn't help look in Sam's direction while he spoke. It was weird seeing him alone at the bar. Seeing him was weird.

"Andy?". Nick's voice pulled her attention back to him.

"I'm sorry what?".

"I said you still love him don't you?". Andy could swear that it sounded like Nick was growling the words out, almost like they left a bad after taste in his mouth.

"I..."

Should she answer that? Could she?

Everything had just gotten to the point where nothing even made sense anymore, nevermind how she was stuck regretting coming back to Fifteen after Dakota. She should have taken a transfer, and then none of this would be happening.

Nick knew more than most people about what had really happened with Sam, he was the first one that told her to stay away from him when they came home because he didn't want her to do anything stupid when she saw Sam and Marlo in the break room and figured that Sam had moved on. He was also the one that had told her that it wasn't worth it if Sam didn't wait. He meant the way that she was tearing herself up because of how things had ended, and how things were when they came home because she was blaming herself for all of it.

Nick had been the one with her when Sam took her place on the explosive, and he was the one holding her hand in the aftermath of Sam's actions.

And now Nick was the one asking her the question she had been asking herself since she came home from Dakota, the one question that she didn't have answers to. It was yes then no, then no then yes, and she just wasn't sure anymore. Even though she had admitted it to Traci, she had taken it back the next morning while battling her hangover.

Nick pinched his eyes closed and Andy fumbled for an answer to his question.

That was when she knew.

She knew that Nick might have fallen for her, or maybe he just thought he did, that's why he kissed her in the parking lot last night. He wanted to see if there was anything from her side.

Andy picked her beer up and took a long sip, her eyes moving back over to Sam to find Liam setting down a refill. It hadn't taken long for the first whiskey to touch sides.

Setting her own bottle down, Andy kept her eyes focused on Sam and wondered when he had started drinking to that extent. He never swallowed them down quickly, and he never had more than what he knew he could handle.

Andy looked back at Nick to find him now looking at her with understanding. She didn't need to verbally answer his question, her expression was enough to give him an answer.

"I'm sorry" she mumbled shaking her head. And she really was, Nick was a good guy and Gail was a moron.

"Don't be, I knew all along that it was him".

Nick's words were so true, it had been Sam all along, and it was still him now. As much as she hated it, it just was.

After that Nick seemed to be a little less uncertain as they carried on a light conversation about random topics.

When Andy saw Sam get his third shot followed by Liam setting the bottle down in front of him and leaving it there, she felt sick.

Literally sick as her stomach convulsed at seeing something that was just so wrong.

Seeing Sam lose himself like that was like history repeating itself because she knew where that would eventually lead. She had been there, with her dad.

"It doesn't mean anything" Nick said into her ear and gave her hand a light squeeze. He knew the exact thought that was running through her mind right now.

"Andy things won't change unless you let them" Nick suddenly said.

"What?".

"You, you need to give him a sign of some kind. He won't know unless you tell him".

Andy stared at Nick, her mouth shaped like an O before she closed it.

Taking one last look back at Sam, Andy turned to Nick and said "Not tonight" as she smiled sadly and tried to ignore everything going on around them.

Including Sam.

Andy took another three sips of her beer before telling Nick that she had to leave when she saw more people come in. She didn't really need to leave, she didn't have anywhere else to be, but it was time to go. Maybe she'd stop by her dads on the way home. It wasn't that late.

Gail was alone, so Nick had a chance to go after what he really wanted; he just needed to give in and admit to it.

"Andy..."

"No, this is how its always been Nick". Andy gave him a light hug watching Gail watching them as she did so, then she slipped out the door and into the night.

Andy hadn't even crossed the parking lot yet when she heard Sam quietly call her name out.

She stopped and turned around truly surprised to find him there.

"So, you're back" Andy said when she turned to face Sam who seemed to look less tense than he had sitting at the bar.

"Yeah, it bombed out" Sam flashed the dimples but only got a small grin in return. It appeared like she had lost the ability to let her fully fledged smile engulf her lips.

"Can I walk you home?". Sam shoved his hands into his pockets as he asked that from a few feet away. He really had no idea where that had come from, but he wanted to walk her home.

Andy smiled shyly at him before nodding vaguely.

She waited until Sam stepped in next to her before moving further across the parking lot and down the street.

It was only a five block walk home, but she suddenly felt like it was two hundred to walk. She'd catch a cab from there to her dads.

When she was done letting her mind run away from her, she planted her feet to the cement, Sam stopping and looking at her like he was resisting a chuckle as he stopped walking too.

"Why all of this, if this is where we end up?". Andy asked. She really didn't care right now; that they were standing in public or that her entire strong facade had withered away and every emotion she felt was on full display. She didn't give a damn that she wasn't supposed to say anything to him about the past, she just couldn't do this anymore.

"So that I could be sure?". It really was his reason, he needed her to know that he left so that he could find himself and be sure that this was where he wanted to be.

He also needed to be sure that this was what he wanted, that she was what he wanted before he went after her, and thirty seconds after deciding to let her go, he had taken that resolution back and decided to do what he had to if he was going to get her.

He just had to be sure that she wanted him to, and Collins signaling that he should chase her was the only surety that he needed.

But he also knew exactly what her question meant, and his answer wasn't exactly what she had been looking for.

She was asking why he didn't stay, why he let things between them crash and burn so badly that they both got hurt, because she was wearing her hurt on her sleeve and even if she didn't mean for him to see it, he did. She was asking why he had let things carry on the way they had been. Why he did all of that if he thought that there was the slightest chance left for them to be more. It also told him that she had thought that they'd get here, to this point eventually. That she had held on to the faintest of hope while he had been trying to get himself together enough to get to her.

Somewhere deep inside she knew that they would reach this moment in time, and that knowledge made his heart skip a beat.

She felt enough to believe that they would get here, she held on to it long enough for them to make it here before she couldn't hold on anymore and gave up. Even after he left when she asked him to stay, she held on.

"You wanted to be sure?" Andy breathed it out like she found it the weakest excuse she had ever heard.

"I was sure Andy, from day one. I just needed you to be sure, you're young..." Had he really just said that? Really just used the seven year age difference between them as a weapon against her? Had he even just shifted the conversation into the really personal category without worrying about it? And was this a present confession or one that belonged in the past?

When she scrunched her face up, he knew that he'd said it wrong. Again. But with her, his brain wouldn't get his lips to say what he wanted them to.

"Seriously? That's the card you're gonna play?" Andy was about to step around him, but she stopped. That was a mistake that she repeated over and over again, and she was done making the same mistakes.

So, she stood still and glared him in the eye. She seemed to be a little confused by the turn their conversation had taken, it looked like it scared her. It always scared her when he mentioned a _'them'_ or _'us'._

"You have other options, I just wanted you to know they're there". Great, every time he opened his mouth he made it worse.

"Nick is NOT an option, Sam. And Luke? Luke was only an option because you let him be one. You didn't make a move when you had the chance so don't even go there".

Wow, she had gone from cold to electrifying in under sixty seconds. And told him that she'd waited for him to make a move back then. That was new information, something that wasn't even in his forgotten memories.

Andy took a step to the side and then stepped back again, her mouth opening to say something but closing again before the words were out. She didn't want to go there.

But she didn't need to say it for him to know what she was this close to saying. He could pretty much still read her like a book.

"That was a mistake" Sam answered her silent question anyway. Okay, so maybe being open and honest was the best way to tackle this, maybe letting her know that would make her stop shutting him out. He just figured that she was about to say something in terms of their 'first time' because Nash had told him about it, and Andy didn't know that.

"Like us? Like everything else that happened. Great".

This time Andy did step away, her hand waving a hasty goodbye over her shoulder as Sam watched her swipe it idly around in the air.

"We weren't a mistake Andy". Sam called it out after her not really caring that he was making a scene. He saw her steps falter before her stride picked up and her feet continued to carry her away.

Even though he couldn't see her anymore, he still kept looking down the street in the direction she had gone in.

This was not how he had wanted this to go.

The US she referred too, wasn't really making sense, had there been a **serious** THEM? Was she confirming it, was she telling him that there was way more than what he knew behind her sad eyes?

And why had he automatically answered _'We weren't a mistake Andy'_ when he didn't even know what had happened between them?

Andy felt her breath dislodge itself when Sam called out to her. Had he remembered? Did he know?

For half a second Andy wanted to turn around and look at him to get an answer, but she was too scared to, so she didn't. She just walked away while her mind weighed up thoughts of what would come tomorrow when she had to face Sam with the possibility of him knowing everything.

Now, it was time to swing past her dads and have that coffee he'd promised when he called this morning...

******Thanks for reading, I'm loving the awesome reviews and appreciate the time you spend reading & posting them, as well as the time spent reading! **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	27. Sorry

**Hiya, how are you all? Thanks for coming back...**

**As always thanks for the awesome thoughts you leave! Thanks to all the regulars & welcome to all the newbies!**

**Chapter 26- Sorry. **

It was hard to breathe, her heart felt like the tiny piece left wouldn't keep beating. Like it would implode or become stoic with her next breath.

Her knees became weak and unable to hold her up anymore, a strong hand grabbing onto her arm before it guided her to a chair and forced her to step back and sit down.

Her eyes were burning, the salty tears spilling over as they rolled down her cheeks. Her hands trembled and her insides quivered. Everything felt surreal and like it was happening in slow motion.

"Is there someone we can call?" The voice asked, but Andy shook her head. There wasn't anyone to call. She should call Traci, but she didn't want to bother her. Nick might be with Gail, and considering that their argument was about her, that was definitely not a good option right now.

Chris was in Timmons, and Dov just wasn't the person she wanted to call right now.

"Are you sure?" The voice repeated.

Andy nodded vaguely but wasn't sure that her movements would be seen between the tremors that took over her body.

She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand before struggling to get her legs to hold her weight as she stood up, looked at the doctor and whispered a soft "Thank you" before fleeing out of the hospital.

She needed to go, anywhere, somewhere, be anywhere but here.

She hailed a cab and gave an address before changing her mind and giving other.

Her chest was constricted as she tried to take deep breaths when she started to feel like she was about to pass out. She felt cold and numb.

As the cab drove her home, Andy let more tears fall as her heart ached for it's loss.

There would be no more memories made after this, no more special memories erasing the tainted ones from the past.

It was a cruel end. But she had to make peace with it because that's all there was left.

When the cab pulled over Andy looked out the window at her building cast in shadows.

She really didn't want to be here right now.

She had a need to make peace, a need fueled by a rash decision made over the last few hours. Decisions that would change her life.

Andy gave a third address to the cabbie, a final tear streaking its way down her cheek as she watched the world pass her through the window without really seeing anything.

This time she got out when the cabbie pulled over, she paid him extra for shunting him around.

When he pulled away, he passed her a sad smile, he knew that her heart was broken and that her tears were tears of pain.

Taking a deep breath Andy ascended the stairs, her hand knocking softly on the door. So softly, it was almost like she didn't want the home owner to hear her knock.

When the door opened, his face revealed the fact that he wasn't expecting her to be on the other side, but he covered it up as soon as he had shown it.

"McNally?".

He still had that unnerving way of saying her name.

"It's late, I know, but I need to say I'm sorry".

Sam was staring at her with his face void of any emotions, his jaw tense, his eyes cold. He hadn't forgiven her for leaving him outside the Penny earlier when he was so willing to talk. When he was trying so hard to open up.

"I'm sorry for Jerry, and I'm sorry it went sideways, I'm sorry I went under, and I'm sorry I called you when we needed help. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to stay and I'm sorry I can't tell you everything".

He didn't move, didn't say anything, just kept looking at her like this was all wrong.

"I screwed up, but I can't take it back even though I'd trade my soul to do it. I just needed you to know that".

"Can we not do this now?" Sam eventually spoke, his tone low and like ice.

But she needed to do this now, it was now or never.

Andy looked up over Sam's shoulder to see Cruz standing behind him leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

"I should go..."

With that, she was gone leaving Sam staring at an empty doorway.

Sam watched her leave before closing the door and turning to face Cruz who was seriously amused by McNally's appearance.

She got stuck with a car that died a block from Sam's house when he left the Penny, so he pulled over and brought her home while they waited for a tow truck to arrive after recognizing her as a uniform from Fifteen. She was the one that he thought he might have dated.

"Is that ever going to be over?" Cruz hissed at Sam like McNally showing up at his door was his fault for some unknown reason. Not that her attitude made any sense, but Sam didn't really care what she thought.

"I had nothing to do with that" Sam countered. How was he supposed to know that Andy would show up here and say what she had? Why she even said that he had no idea, he shouldn't even feel a need to defend himself to Cruz.

"You don't get it Swarek. That will never be over, it'll never stop". Cruz sounded... Defeated?

**Okay, moving on,** Sam thought as he searched for his phone to call a cab company. She needed to go home, now.

"It's ..." Sam said while dialing.

"Don't okay. It's not. You two have this unbreakable bond, this link and no-one is going to break it, even Collins isn't going to break it".

"Collins?". Sam understood what Cruz was saying, that bond between him and Andy was there but why would Collins break it?

"You don't see passed her do you? Pay attention Swarek, Collins is in love with McNally and the worst thing about it is that she doesn't see it and neither do you because you are too".

What?

Cruz pushed off the wall, her hand running through her hair as she shook her head at Sam.

"He looks at her just like you do. He hangs on to her every word and only pays attention to her when she talks to him. He has the wishful glint in is eyes, the same as you do when you look at her. You both wear the look of longing too".

Sam had missed that completely. Had that much changed in the two months he had been under?

And how could Cruz even see that when she didn't know him? Was he that transparent?

"Even though you deny it, we can all see it, except you, and her".

Cruz lifted her jacket off the back of the couch and fished her keys out of her pocket.

"You should let it go, or go after her because either way you're only fooling yourself and you're just going to hurt her even more".

With that Cruz walked out of his house leaving Sam to mill over her words carefully.

Marlo had no idea why she was suddenly rooting for Team McNally, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. Even though Sam couldn't remember McNally and their history, and he showed no signs of remembering that he dated her, there was just this undeniable thing between Sam and McNally. If she had ever doubted that before, she didn't anymore.

...

Sam made it to the barn in time for parade but skipped out on it anyway. He wasn't in the mood and it had absolutely nothing to do with his hangover.

He just wasn't ready to see Andy yet.

He spent the morning doing paperwork, Nash obscenely missing this morning so he just figured that her kid was sick.

Once his hangover started to subside Sam went in search of coffee now that his stomach would tolerate it.

Entering the hallway he noticed Collins standing at the other end talking to Oliver in a hushed whisper. He stopped and scrutinized Collins as he gave him a look that could kill. It was the most intense look that had ever been passed his way, and he had received a few of those since his accident.

Oliver said something to Collins who focused on him before he simply walked away.

Oliver stopped Sam when he met him halfway down the hall, his friend wearing a grim face.

"Have you seen McNally?" Sam asked, Oliver would probably know where she was.

Oliver gave him a strange look before answering "Sammy, she's not in".

"Figures". Sam mumbled and ran a hand over his forehead. She probably had a hangover too, but she had been clever enough to call in sick.

Oliver's face was scrunched up, like he wasn't following.

"She showed up at my house last night and just looked like she lost it. Cruz was there, and I don't think McNally..." Sam let it hang.

"Um, what time did she stop by?" Oliver sounded strange too, his face holding any incriminating evidence back.

"After eleven why?"

"Sammy, Tommy McNally died at eight-thirty last night".

******Arg, why do I always kill Tommy McNally? But anyway, moving on, let's see who's still here?**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	28. I'll Be Here

**Thanks for rocking my world with all the awesome reviews! You guys are definitely the best fandom around!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars, & welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 27- I'll be Here. **

Sam felt sick.

He felt like everything just stopped.

Time, his breathing, his heartbeat.

_"What?"_

"Andy was having coffee with him after she left the Penny, and he had a heart attack. She did CPR and called 911 and went to the hospital with him, but he didn't make it. Collins said she showed up there a little after midnight, a real mess. He called the hospital, she left there at Ten, we just didn't know where she went before that".

Sam felt like he was about to pass out, the world was starting to spin. He wanted to throw up too.

Her father had died and she came to him to apologize for how sideways things between them were going and had gone?

What was she thinking?

Was he blind? Couldn't he see that there was something wrong?

Sam stepped around Oliver and headed straight out of the door.

He needed to find Andy.

He went to her condo, but she wasn't there. He went to Tommy's, but no-one was there. He tried calling her but her phone just rang and rang, so Sam went back to the barn.

Oliver had said that Andy went to Collins' so, he just needed to get his address because he didn't know where he lived. It stood to reason that Andy might still be there, or maybe at Nash's because she had been missing too.

Collins saw him coming and his body language tensed the second that he saw that he was the destination Sam had in mind.

He shooed the rookie he was talking to away, just before Sam stopped in front of him.

"Where is she?" Sam tried not to sound tense.

But he couldn't help it, his words came out on a strangled tone.

"It doesn't matter" Collins replied.

"Tell me where you live, or I will go get you're file Collins. I'm not asking".

"What's it to you so suddenly? She came to you when she needed you but you were too busy".

"I didn't know okay, if I did...". What would he have done if he had known?

"What Swarek? Invited her in, had Cruz make her coffee? How do you think that made her feel? She runs to the one person she needs, the one place she feels safe and you said not now? When are you going to get that..."

Sam was dying to know what Collins would have said to finish that sentence, but right now he just didn't have time. And he really wasn't all that interested in hearing what Collins had to say, or even what he thought about him.

"Look I'm sorry okay, I know I made mistakes. If things had been different..." Collins was eyeing him suspiciously, but also like he understood.

"How would they be different? You would have hurt her anyway".

Sam ran a hand over his face and let out a calming breath. If he didn't, Collins would be met with the ugly side of his anger shortly, and he didn't want that to happen.

"I just want to know that she's okay, she came to say goodbye, and until now I didn't get that".

Sam's latest statement seemed to hit a nerve with Collins. It took the wind out of his sails.

"Goodbye?".

"She made peace with everything and until now I didn't get that, I didn't understand. She was saying goodbye, maybe letting go. I don't know. If you love her, you'll let me do this". Sam couldn't believe that he just said that, but he had.

Collins took a step back and paled. Sam's nerves lighting up even more than they already were.

"She said goodbye? Damnit Andy!". Great, out of that whole sentence, Collins focuses on that point, and not the point he just called him out on when it came to what he felt about Andy.

Collins had his hand out of his pocket in seconds, his fingers holding onto a small set of keys as his lips rambled off an address across town.

"I love her, like she loves me. But I'm not _**in love**_ with her, she's still in love with... Someone else. She's either taking a UC after the funeral, or she's going to do something stupid". Collins didn't sound all that convinced of what he was saying, but Sam wasn't really paying attention, and didn't really know the guy so it didn't really matter.

Sam's hands reached for the keys as his mind found new respect for Collins. Somewhere in there, he was looking out for Andy, even if it meant him trying to stand between her and Sam. He was doing it to protect her. From Sam himself.

Sam drove to Collins' given address, trying Andy's phone again but still getting no answer.

It scared him to know that the person that she had grown closest to most recently thought that she was capable of doing something stupid. That just scared the living daylights out of him. It wasn't like Andy. But, she had changed.

Sam let himself in loudly, so that he wouldn't scare her. She would most likely freak out when she saw his face instead of Collins' though.

Sam searched the small apartment, his eyes finding Andy sleeping in Collins' bed.

Even though he was certain that she had only slept there, it was still a haunting vision, one that shredded his heart and gutted him.

He crossed the room, her puffy eyes coming in to view, she had been crying severely.

As soon as he was close enough, Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and called her name softly, his heart breaking for her.

Andy's eyes opened and she stared at him, her eyes bloodshot.

It confused her that he was here.

She looked away as the memories of the last day crept back into her mind, her eyes searching the room looking for any sign that she was dreaming.

She was biting her tears back, her eyes closing to hold them in.

"I am so sorry" Sam said breaking the silence that filled the room. He sounded so gutted saying that, even to his own ears. He briefly thought over the words written on her cast, it was all he kept saying to her these days, but it was how he felt.

Sorry. More sorry than she'd ever know.

Andy's eyes opened widely and she sat up slowly, her tears breaking free as she let her face cast itself downwards to look away.

She held that position for a while, her hand wiping tears away as they traced patterns down to her jaw. When she looked up Sam could see the most heartbreaking look dancing in her eyes, she'd lost the only person that she had left and it was destroying her.

"Come here" Sam whispered and turned towards her, she didn't need to be told twice. Within seconds she had slammed into him, her sobs audible for the first time since he came in.

Sam held her close while she cried, her tears wetting his shirt and his neck as his arms tugged her closer.

His hand ran up and down her back trying to sooth her, as her body shook when her sobs finally began to die down.

He would do just about anything to take this away, to stop her from feeling it; but he couldn't.

Andy let him go, and pulled away, her face heavy set in emotion that she was trying to keep hidden. "I'm sorry" she whispered out again and looked down.

"Don't ever say you're sorry". Sam whispered and let his hand reach out for hers before he tugged it towards his lap and held it there.

Sam's other hand tilted her chin up so that she could look at him, his face trying to convey what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know, if I had I wouldn't have let you leave".

"I shouldn't have come to you, I just needed somewhere to go...". Andy started crying again, Sam's fingers wiping away her tears as they fell.

"I'll always be there Andy, but you need to tell me that you need me, and what's happening so that I'm not in the dark".

Andy nodded before pulling her hand out of Sam's and reaching for the tissues that were strategically placed next to the bed.

"I'll be okay" Andy said once she had dried her eyes and wiped her nose, her hand clinging to the tissue like it was the only thing holding her down.

"I know" Sam said back. He knew that it was her way of letting him know that he could leave now, but he had no intention of going anywhere.

"You don't have to stay...".

See, just like he had predicted.

"I know, but I want to okay, so lay down and try get some sleep".

Come tomorrow, life would get a little harder for her.

"Sam...". She started but finished there too.

Sam could see all the questions she had, she was just too scared to voice any of them right now.

"Not now, later okay. I'll be here, I promise".

Sam scooted over the distance between them, as Andy lay down and dropped a kiss on her forehead before her eyes closed.

He sat there watching her try to fall asleep until she finally did, a slow sigh telling him that she was dreaming.

******welcome to the bottom!**

**So good? Bad? **

**Next chapters gonna get Sam in a whole heap of trouble, because he let's out a huge confession at the wrong time, anyone want to guess what?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	29. When You Just Know

**As always, thank you all so much for your awesomeness! **

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & the haters & the newbies! **

**Chapter 27- When You Just Know. **

Collins came home and Sam was still watching Andy sleep. She'd fallen into a deep sleep after a while and he was content to just sit there and watch her.

_'Promise you won't just walk away'_ zoomed through his mind at some random point, it really didn't make much sense but it was still there.

His mind had been working overtime running over the back and forth between them, but he still had no idea why one simple revelation would confuse him more than he had been before, or how it would make a random thought suddenly resurface and trigger a memory.

Sam met Collins in the hall as soon as he heard the front door open.

"She okay?" Collins asked as soon as Sam was close enough. They were talking in hushed whispers, Collins somehow knowing that Andy was sleeping. It was weird, but he too had a seventh sense when it came to Andy.

"No, but she'll get there". She was strong, she would be okay in time.

"You've been here the whole time?". Collins asked as he moved to the kitchen and fished out a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers after setting his dufle bag down.

At least the moment wasn't too tense or too awkward, Collins appeared to have some kind of acceptance that he was still here.

He poured them each a stiff shot before holding out one of the tumblers to Sam.

"Yup".

"Why?".

Sam huffed out a breath, his hand pinching his nose as he closed his eyes.

Did Collins really want that answered?

"Look, I get that she needs you now, but how long is it going to be before you get tired of her again? How long are you going to hang around before you're gone again?"

Ouch.

That caused Sam great discomfort, knowing that it was how he was seen. Is that how she saw him too?

"That depends on her, it's her choice".

"And yours? What's your choice when it comes to her? Or are you just here now because she needs someone?".

"Look Collins, I don't expect you to understand okay, I don't even expect her to try and make sense of this right now. Yes I'm here because she needs me, and yes I'm here now because it's the right thing to do, because she came to me first... But I'm here because I think I love her, and I don't want her to do this alone"

Sam heard Andy whimper from behind him, she had woken up and come into the hall but remained undetected as she padded closer with bare feet on the carpet.

Sam hung his head when he heard her footsteps carry her away, this time they were loud. She was so stomping.

When he looked up Collins was smiling at him over the rim of his glass.

"I think you should have told her that" he said before taking a sip of his whiskey.

Sam abandoned his glass on the counter and asked Collins the silent question of _'Do you mind?_'. Collins answered back by nodding towards his bedroom and saying something that sounded like 'go get her' before Sam left him drinking alone.

Sam pushed the door open and found Andy laying in bed with her back facing the door.

He sat down on the end of the bed, his breath coming out in a long groan. His timing was way off.

"I'm sorry you heard that, I shouldn't have said it...". Great. Another huge cluster of words that didn't quite come out right.

Andy rolled back a bit and looked up at him, her face cast in more tears.

"Please, don't cry". Sam looked away, he couldn't bare it knowing that he was the reason behind those tears. Not when the world had already given her so many other reasons to shed tears.

"Now? Sam seriously? My Dad died yesterday, and you choose now to say that? After ..."

Her voice was raw, her emotions clearly evident.

"I'm sorry again, I can't help it okay, it's not something I don't have any control over. Yes that's why I'm here, but you came to me first remember?".

"Get out".

"What?" Sam turned to face her, her eyes flashing anger as she looked at him. Gone was the hurt and sadness leaving only the rage that consumed her right now.

"Andy..."

"No, you need to leave Sam". She sounded so cold saying that, it made Sam hate himself.

"No".

"Sam, please if you have any respect you'll leave now".

Sam heard how desperately she wanted him gone, so he stood up and faced her. "You know where I am if you need anything".

He couldn't help but slam Collins' front door behind him when he left.

"You okay?" Nick asked from just outside the door.

"No".

"Andy, you should have let him stay".

"No Nick, this is all wrong, and the timing is wrong and...". Andy broke again, Nick moving closer as he sat down and hugged her.

"This can **not **be happening. If he remembers, everything will change, and he won't feel the same".

Nick let out a long sigh. What were the chances of the same guy falling for the same girl again, when he didn't remember it happening the fist time? Apparently it wasn't something that didn't exist, or would never happen...

"Andy, if you were Gail right now, I'd be doing the same thing Swarek is, even if she isn't talking to me. It's what loves about, and you can't chose who you love, it chooses you".

Sam may have been insensitive but Nick got where he was coming from. Andy hadn't heard what Swarek said to him at the barn, and now it made more sense. It was Swarek's way of letting him know that if he wanted Andy, he was going to have to put up a fight to get her because Swarek intended on doing exactly that. Not that he even needed too, but anyway.

"Would you really?".

"Yup, if someone had to call me now for whatever reason, I'd be there for her even if it meant that I faced getting burned. I'd have to try".

"And If she called you?" Gail asked from the doorway making Nick and Andy jump a fraction. Traci had told her what happened and where Andy was so she came over after shift and walked in to hear most of their conversation.

"I'd be there too" Nick said smiling.

Gail brought pizza, wine and beer but Andy hardly had any. Traci stopped by a short while later so Andy asked her for a ride home to give Nick some time to fix it between him and Gail.

"You know when you left after Jerry died, I was mad, I didn't understand how my best friend could run out on me" Traci said randomly as she drove. They had never really had this conversation, and now five months after she came home from Dakota, Andy knew that there was no more avoiding it.

"Trace, I'm so sorry"

"I know but this was then. I get it now".

"Why now?".

"Because I've seen Sam loose the one person that mattered to him the most, and then I watched him live with it while you were around, before and after you came back. He just doesn't know it yet, but it's coming back. That's why he's changing even though he doesn't remember most of it".

"What?" Andy thought that Traci was talking about Jerry.

"Andy, Sam lost Jerry too, but it was different for me and him you know. When you came home I could see that he was still hurting but when I looked down the hallway, you were standing at the other end. It was you that Sam was mourning and couldn't get over, not Jerry".

"Trace, he moved on". Again Cruz hovered in Andy's mind.

"Because you didn't ask him to wait Andy, you didn't say goodbye, he did when he went under with Brennan, just differently. He also told you the only thing you were waiting to hear him say, and then you walked away. Don't you think that you doing that hurt him too?".

"He told me, or rather Nick that he thinks he loves me and I overheard him".

"What? When?". Traci was so glad that a red light caught her before Andy said that.

"Earlier tonight. I freaked out and told him to leave". It suddenly dawned on Andy that Traci had started the conversation about Sam before she said anything. "Wait, how'd you know?".

"Gail said that Marlo was at Sam's and you stopped by after leaving the hospital. I kinda figured that it made sense that you thought history was repeating itself, but her car broke down and Sam helped her out. He doesn't even remember dating her".

"Great!" Andy sighed, now Sam had one more thing to hold over her head.

"Andy, you need to give Sam a chance, he's trying. He might not even know why, but he is".

"Trace, I can't okay. He said he thinks he loves me, not he does. This is now, this is without all of the past tainting us and it's just wrong to let him think it can go anywhere no matter how much I want it too. It's unfair to him".

Traci drove them straight to her house, she didn't want Andy to be alone, and Andy didn't protest.

Leo had made her a get well card because Traci had told him that Andy had a broken heart, it was the sweetest gift anyone had ever given her, and it made her tears return.

Andy had a shower and tugged on some of Traci's clothes before giving her a hug and calling it a night. She crawled into the spare bed and tried to fall asleep.

Traci was woken by the sound of Andy crying so she hurried into the spare room and gently rested her hand on Andy's arm and called her, Andy surfacing almost immediately.

"Honey..."

"I'm sorry Traci" Andy said when her fingertips felt her wet cheeks.

"It's okay". Traci said giving her a hug. It was all she could do to comfort her now.

Andy was reliving her dads heart attack because she had been there and tried to save him, but couldn't.

"I'll be okay, go back to bed".

"You sure, I can stay?".

"No, you need to sleep Trace, I'll be okay".

"Okay, but just yell if you need me".

Andy settled back down, and tried to fall asleep, her mind refusing to give up on the harsh images that taunted her.

"Andy". Traci's voice was close.

"Crap! Again? I'm so sorry" Andy said wiping her tears away.

"It's okay, I'll stay this time". Less than an hour later Traci had been woken again by Andy's soft crying.

"No, I'll stay awake, just I'm sorry".

"Andy..."

"I'm okay, I promise".

Traci left Andy and went back to bed. She knew that Andy wasn't okay, she was struggling to keep it together. It wasn't just about her dad anymore, her dreams were taking her all over the show and she wasn't handling it very well.

Reaching for her phone, Traci made a call.

"Hi, sorry if I woke you".

"It's okay, you need something Nash?".

It was a little after ten pm, of course she needed something if she was calling him.

"It's Andy... Can you come over?".

Traci met Sam outside her door when she heard his truck pull up outside.

"Sam I'm sorry..."

"No you're not" Sam said trying to lighten the mood.

"I thought she was having a nightmare about Tommy having the heart attack in front of her, but she wasn't, she was dreaming..." Nash was wearing a serious frown, his joke was nowhere near numerous.

After all this time, she still found it so hard to talk to Sam.

"Dreaming?"

"Or rather having a nightmare... about you. She kept calling for you. I just want her to see you and see that you're okay, just five minutes?".

Sam nodded and Nash led him into her house just as Andy let out another wail.

Sam went into the room and Traci stood in the doorway watching in the soft glow of the hallway light as Sam walked over to the bed in the dark and lay down behind Andy.

He whispered something into her ear as his arm draped over her and it was like magic, Andy instantly let out a calm sigh and found peaceful sleep.

Sam stayed there after Nash closed the door and left, his mind wondering how Andy was going to react when she woke up to find him sleeping next to her. Because this time he wasn't planning on leaving her.

He had absolutely no idea how he knew what to do to calm her down, or what to say to help her find peace and chase away her nightmares, but he did. He acted on instinct and when he opened his mouth the words just came freely.

When she was deep in sleep Sam slipped his shoes off quietly and climbed back in behind her, resuming their position from earlier before he too surrendered to the rifts of slumber.

Sam woke up to Andy staring at him from her pillow.

"Hi" he said as he let his head roll to the side to see her properly. Before he saw her, he felt the intensity of her stare.

Andy nodded slightly, she thought that she was still dreaming.

"Sleep okay?" Sam felt like swallowing those words as soon as they were out.

"You should know". Andy was not happy that he was here.

"After I got here, yes, before; not so much".

Andy sat upright, she didn't think that he'd actually answer that.

It was still fairly dark outside, the lighting horizon peeking through the edges of the curtains.

"What were you dreaming about?". Sam knew that she needed to talk about it before it ate her alive.

"Nothing". Andy said sliding out of bed.

"So, calling me was nothing?"

Andy froze. Had Traci really heard that?

And called him? Arg! And actually told him that?

"Well I'm okay now, so thanks for coming...".

"I have plans for today anyway" Sam said sitting up.

"Well don't let me keep you" Andy reached for the door handle as she said that.

But then she froze and let her head lean against the back of the door.

"Andy, don't shut me out".

"I can't help it Sam..."

"I know, but try okay? I meant it when I said I'm here so that you don't have to go through this alone"

Andy pushed off the door and turned around to find Sam standing behind her.

"This is just so unfair, it's so cruel and so hard Sam. He was the last person I had left, the only person I had left, and he left me alone". Andy's voice broke under her tears again. She felt like Tommy had abandoned her just like her mother had.

"Me Andy, you've still got me, and Nash. Collins, Peck, Oliver, Noelle, we're all still here".

Sam's heart was really breaking when he said that, because he had also done the unthinkable by abandoning her once. Maybe that was why things were so strained between them? He couldn't recall the exact details, but he was now sure of that fact.

"For how long Sam? How long are you going to hang around this time?".

That hurt, but he deserved it.

"Until you start believing that I'm not going anywhere". He stated the truth as simply as he could.

"How long will that last? A week? Three? A year?".

"I don't know Andy, you tell me".

"Don't do this now, I can't deal with you right now too" Andy suddenly ended the conversation when it turned serious.

"I'll be here when you're ready" Sam said seconds before she left the room.

He knew that his timing was way off, but he needed her to know where he'd be.

For as long as it took.

Even if he was still battling his demons and needed time to find himself, she just needed him more.

*****thanks for reading! Hope you'll leave a review? **

**Poor Sam, he just can't get it right, but I think her on the right track & now maybe he'll get it soon! **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	30. There When You Need A Friend

**Welcome back, see you all at the bottom...**

**Chapter 29- There when you need a Friend. **

Sam left Nash's and called Sarah on the way home. He grabbed a shower and headed in to work, a few surprised glances following him through the barn as he walked through it.

It was as if everyone was finding it strange that he was at work.

"She okay?" Oliver asked when he saw Sam behind his desk trying to get a start on his day.

Sam just gave Oliver a look that screamed _'what do you think?'_ but didn't say anything.

"Just go easy on her okay, I know you're having a hard time Sammy, but some things are better left alone hmm?".

"I don't even want to know what you're talking about, but yeah, McNally's taking some time so she won't have to be stuck looking at me like she rather wouldn't be". Sam stood up despite Oliver's gaping mouth.

"Sammy, when you remember everything, you're not gonna like what you see. When that happens, remember this conversation and that I asked you to go easy on her okay? That's all I'm asking"

Oliver was looking at him like he thought that he was on the verge of remembering ... Everything.

Oliver left Sam alone, Sam's mind drawing a complete blank.

What had she done that was so bad that Oliver was coming to her rescue beforehand? Or was it something he had done?

Sam dropped back down into his chair and thought over Oliver's words. He had stood up with the intention of doing something, but that had long gone from his thoughts.

Instead now, he was left to think over how things had deteriorated with Andy, and how he wished she had rather wanted him to stay, than push him away like she had done.

Of course saying _'I think I love her'_ to Andy's partner when he didn't know that she was standing there was probably a really bad move and was probably a part of the reason that she slammed her defense right back up.

You can't just say words of that severity; like that, and anticipate that there won't be a backlash. How could he have even said 'I think' when he knew damn well that he did?

Scanning the barn Sam saw Nash who managed a thankful nod in his direction, she seemed to be less offensive and less defensive towards him now than she had been.

His mind drifted back to Andy and the things she was probably doing now, the arrangements that she was busy making when a stray thought triggered more than a little sympathy.

How was she going to pay for Tommy's funeral?

Sam found his feet and went looking for Nash, he found her in the breakroom staring off into the distance.

"She okay?" Sam asked as soon as he made it through the door.

"No" Nash said smiling sadly. "I wish I could go with her today, but my workload is not funny at the moment"

Nash passed Sam a cup of coffee even if he had no intention of getting any right now.

"I gave her my car, so she'll get around" Nash said and then took a sip of her own coffee.

"Can I ask you something?" Sam said looking away. He really didn't want to pry into Andy's life but he just needed to know that she was coping financially because Tommy wasn't on the force, they wouldn't help pay for anything. If Tommy didn't have any policies, then Andy had a problem. If he had policies and they only paid out after so much time had elapsed, then she still had a problem.

Nash nodded and then smiled at him like she knew what he was thinking.

"Is she prepared, or covered for this?" That so did not come out like he intended.

Nash's smile faded and her head shook lightly.

"Nope, she's not. She wouldn't take the money I offered her this morning. She wants to do it on her own". Nash sounded so sad saying that, like Andy refusing to take money from her had been some kind of rejection. But Sam understood, Nash had a family to support, Andy would never take from her. No matter how much she needed the money.

"Can you cover for me?" Sam asked trying to sound like himself.

Nash nodded, she didn't need to know anymore.

Sam went to the bank and drew enough cash to help Andy out, now he just needed to give it to her without making it sound like he was insulting her.

He found her condo empty, and Tommy's too so he went back to her condo. He sat in his truck and waited, time reeling by as he had nowhere else to be.

It was well over an hour later when Sam saw Nash's car pull up outside Andy's building. She got out and went inside, her head hanging like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Sam gave her a few minutes to let her get inside and settle before he found himself making his way up the two flights of stairs and stopping outside her door.

His hand found the door before his eyes found her face when she yanked it open, her phone clutched to her ear.

"I'll call you back" Andy said before ending the call and stepping aside so that Sam could come in.

"Hi, you got a minute?" Sam said once he was already inside. Of course he needed to say something and that was what came out.

"Yeah" Andy said and then bolted for the kitchen like a frightened rabbit.

Sam followed after letting out a loud sigh, she wasn't going to stand still long enough for him to do this, so he would have to get her too.

Sam leaned against her kitchen door frame, she was rummaging around setting out to make coffee but he really didn't want any.

Sam wasn't oblivious to the way her movements were hasty and loud, she was stopping just short of slamming things around.

"Stop" Sam said stepping closer and putting a hand on Andy's right hand. She tried to scoop sugar up, but it didn't work and she somehow ended up with spilled sugar across the counter top, before she made a maddening attempt to clean it up, frustration emanating from her.

"Take a deep breath" Sam whispered into her ear. He was standing close enough for Andy to know that he was right there.

Andy did as told, her eyes closing as she drew in a ragged breath. She was reaching her meltdown and knew it, but Sam had his own aura shift around her, it felt calm and refreshing.

"I'm fine" Andy said between teeth and wavering lips. She said it even though she knew Sam would know the truth.

"Okay" Sam said just about to step away and give Andy her much desired space when her fingers nimbly wrapped themselves around his. They held on to his like they were a means to keep her intact, or keep her from falling apart.

"I can't do this" Andy mumbled still holding onto Sam's hand.

"You can, without a doubt you can" Sam whispered back without skipping a beat.

Andy's hand squeezed his as she looked up and over her shoulder to see him.

"You are the strongest person I know, the most courageous too, you can do anything you want to Andy, and you're not doing it alone".

Sam needed to step away and soon, he was having a hard time concentrating with her that close.

"Sam, I can't even p...". Andy broke the spell that seemed to envelope both of them when she spoke and then looked back down at the counter in front of her.

She looked so tired and miserable that Sam felt like he was watching her fade away. Her bloodshot eyes didn't help either, they only gave him a glimpse of how her soul was weeping.

"Andy, that's what friends are for" Sam let go of her hand and backed away while his other hand dug into his pocket and retrieved the wad of cash he had slid into it earlier.

His movements made Andy look down as the money was revealed, her head beginning to shake lightly.

"No". She backed away too, her back moving until it found the edge of the counter and she had nowhere left to go.

"Andy, I..."

"No Sam, this isn't your problem okay. This is mine, I need to deal with this"

"Andy we're friends right? This is me just trying to be a friend when you need one. It's no strings, nothing in return". Sam reached out and took Andy's hand before padding the wad of cash into it gently and then wrapping her fingers around it before letting his hand rest over her semi-closed one.

"Sam I can't" Andy whimpered out.

"If it's about what I said..." Sam let it filter into silence, she could read him well enough to know what he was referring to.

"I'm openly lying to you and hiding the truth, and you repay it with kindness? With this?" Andy jostled her hand just a fraction. She was avoiding the subject of having THAT conversation right now.

"Andy don't shut me out. I know that okay, I get it trust me, but this isn't about me". Sam tightened his fingers just a little so that she would feel him enforcing his words.

"I want you to take it, if you won't take it for whatever reason, then do this for me okay?" He added a second later when he saw her walls start crumbling.

Sam knew that his life was being withheld from him because it was a mental block, he just really didn't get why he would ever try and block anything about her from his life.

Two breaths after that thought came to mind, Andy flung herself at him and engulfed him in a hug so tight that he didn't want it to end.

But it had to, he moved and she let go.

Andy let him go as quickly as she had grabbed him before backing out of his personal space with sparkly eyes and a timid smile.

"Thank you" Andy said looking down at the money that Sam had tucked into her hand. "My dad had policies, but they'll take a while to pay out and I applied for a loan until..." The shake in her tone returned as she let her words hang.

"It doesn't matter Andy, it's money I don't need".

Andy looked like she wanted to give the money back to him, so Sam took another small step back. She looked up then, and looked at him like he had given her so many things in the past that this moment didn't feel right to her now.

Andy spun away and set the money down on the counter before making another attempt at cleaning up the spilled sugar.

"I should go". Sam said trying to hide his need to stay. All she had to do was ask...

Andy faced him again, a small nod visible as she rolled her lips together in a bid to hold back her words. Sam knew then that she was fighting against wanting to ask him to stay and it probably boiled down to his foolish words uttered in desperation.

"About that; let's disregard it okay? I have issues, and you don't need anymore...".

Whatever reaction Sam had been expecting- he wasn't getting as Andy stared at him in disbelief.

She appeared to have totally shut down as she stood there watching him shove his hands into his pockets while he scrounged around for the right thing to say. What were you supposed to say to erase words like 'I think I love her' anyway?

Andy blinked and then looked away, another slight nod mimicking the one before it.

"Call me" Sam said before taking one last look at Andy and letting himself out of her condo.

Andy stared into space long after Sam left, a new hole forming in her heart as she fathomed his need to cover every damned important thing he'd ever said to her up.

It just wasn't funny anymore.

Sam left Andy's feeling like crap. He wished that there was more that he could do, but knew there wasn't.

He skipped the Penny and headed home before making a call to his local pizza place and ordering a pizza and some juice to be delivered to Andy's with a message saying that she should call him if she needed anything, and his name. She wouldn't take the food otherwise, because she didn't know where it came from. He ordered from the same place all the time and knew the owner pretty well, so it wasn't a problem to call in the favor.

The only thing that had been out of place was the owner asking him 'How's your girl?' Before Sam said 'Okay' and then hung up.

It seemed that the entire world knew that he had some kind of history with Andy, well everyone except him.

When Sam figured that Sarah was done at the office, he called her knowing that Andy could definitely use one more friend now that she needed all the ones that she already had.

To say that Sarah was not impressed that he hadn't called her earlier was an understatement, but she got that he was busy.

It was no surprise when he heard her let herself in at eight-fifty pm, she'd packed a bag and driven straight down without asking if she was welcome to stay here. Of course she knew that she always was.

"Hi" she said as she dropped her bag to the floor as soon as she closed the door.

Taking in his features, her face fell. She could tell that he had done something that he shouldn't have.

"She okay?" Sarah asked ignoring the urge to grill him until he sang out the answers that she wanted to hear.

"Nope" Sam wasn't even in the mood to cover it up, she'd be at Andy's door before the sun had lit up properly and see for herself anyway.

Sarah mulled over Sam's answer and then just headed for the kitchen in silence. She knew exactly how Andy was feeling right now. They'd been there too, only then Sarah was more unstable than she was now, and she had Sam to contend with then too.

His constant run in's with the law had created more grief for her at that stage than she needed, but somehow she had managed to cope with it as well as finding one of their foster dads with a bullet hole in his head.

Sam wandered into the kitchen and watched Sarah make them coffee, her hand weaving slightly as it shook.

"You okay?" Sam asked knowing that Sarah would say that she was fine.

But strangely enough, she didn't. Instead she turned to Sam and let the feint traces of her scarred soul show. "No".

"Should you be here?" Sam knew that he was risking a lot by asking that, but he needed to make sure that she was in the right frame of mind before letting her go anywhere near Andy, no matter how close the two of them had become.

"I keep seeing it you know. Feeling what it felt like in that moment to walk in on that. But it's different, it's like I'm on the outside looking in this time".

"Me too" Sam mumbled. This wasn't really a topic that they spoken about in the past.

"I don't hate him as much anymore" she added in a stable voice a second later.

That had been the last decent place they had ever called home. The last person that actually looked out for them in a good way. After that they were moving around a lot, and split up after a while, but somehow the universe had thrown them back together after nearly two years of being separated and completely apart.

"You two good yet?" Sarah questioned when she handed Sam a cup of coffee.

"I kinda think we're worse off now" Sam said before leaving the room.

Sam ditched his coffee on the table in the hallway and just went straight to bed. Sarah knowing well enough from that answer that he wasn't up for discussing the matter of Andy any further.

******welcome to the bottom!**

**Hope you enjoyed. **

**More up soon!**

**Have an awesome day. **

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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